When Friendship Dies

I had a friend. A really close friend. Someone I trusted, spoke to daily, supported as she supported me. Then the THING happened. You know, the THING that seems to be oh so common? The chill. You know something has changed but have no idea why? You start to second guess every recent discussion, every chat, every joke, every little thing, searching, trying to work out what YOU did wrong.

And eventually you realise. It is not YOU, it is her, and no matter how much that friendship mattered at the time, you have to walk away and let it go.

As I always tell my children, you cannot control the actions of another, merely your own actions and reactions.

I was over at Maxabella's yesterday, and read her post on the death of a friendship. Then I read the comments and realised just how common this sort of thing is between women. It helps to know others go through the same thing, it helps not to be alone.

I wonder if they ended up in such a toxic situation as mine became, the constant lies, trouble-making, victim mentality attacks. The stalking (for it can be called no other), the isolation as I refused to enter into a he said/she said battle with mutual friends. The trouble it caused for my children, especially my youngest, when her poison spread to our school. The relief when the focus turned to others and finally so many saw her for what she really is. And finally, the letting go of all her crap, and the acceptance that it was never about me, it was always about her (and THAT took a long time, believe me).

It is sad that women seem to think it is acceptable to attack one another, or to act foolishly and vindictively. High School Mentality (HSM) is a curse that some seem to never outgrow.

And for all that I have been accused of being confrontational over the years, I'd rather be seen as straight-talking, no bullshit woman than as a back stabber and immature bitch.

Ladies - be kind to one another, you never know what is happening behind closed doors. Friendships change and evolve, have the guts to say you have changed or grown apart and keep a semblance of civility, eh?

Surely we are all mature enough for that at least...

Mean Girl Monday

"Why would she do this to me?" asked in bewilderment by a lovely lady through her tears. Betrayal, the hardest of all pills to swallow, the actions of a so-called friend throwing trust into disarray. Making you question your judgement of others.

I had no answer. I do not know why this person hurts with intent, I do not know if it is her insecurity or a purile power play. I do know she is not someone anyone needs in their lives. She is toxic. A mean girl. The mean girl who turned on me almost two years ago, the toxic former friend who made my life hell, and still tries to even now.

But for this other friend the betrayal was fresh and raw and bleeding. Even though the actions of this person were a long time ago she had only just found out about it. And she came to me because she now understood words I had spoken to her months before. "Be cautious, this is a small town, watch your back." That was all, no accusations, no ranting, no names, no pack drill. With her newfound knowledge these words resonated and the reason became clear.

"Was it her? Is that what you were talking about?" Yes. I knew of her disgusting claims and behaviour, there are so many she has maligned, lied and bitched about. So many power plays hidden below a smile as she plunged the knife deeply again and again. I could not tell people, I would not stoop to a he said/she said battle. To be honest I think back then when the campaign of shadows and whispers began, most would have believed her. She plays the sad, little victim so well - it is an art she perfected. Maybe my reasons were not quite so noble, maybe I was afraid to ask people to choose. Hell, I believed her for years and it is only with the clarity of hindsight I see how truly absurd some of her accusations were.

Whatever, it was all over now as she seriously underestimated her power and control over others, alienating more and more people. It was another of her disgusted former friends who outed her. One who grew sick of the nastiness and vile attacks, one who had the courage to call enough and walk away. One who knows all I know and more. One who will not stand by and tolerate any more bullshit.

And as each person finds out the truth, the word spreads. Last Friday as I talked with this woman, her pain turned to anger. And revenge. My advice was to walk away, cut the festering wound out, let her cut her own throat. For she will, and has already begun to. I do not know if my words reached past the need to hurt back, an emotion I understood all too well. I hope, for this lovely woman's sake, they did. If not, then others will be hurt as they are told of her lies and deception. But maybe they need to know. It will not be me unmasking her, but I am no longer keeping silent. If asked I am open and honest... or as others accuse me of, blunt and brutal. Sometimes if the scab has been pulled a little it is just better to rip it off fast.

"Why would she do this to me?"  Because she does it to everybody. She is a mean girl. Soon she will be a mean, lonely girl who nobody wants to play with.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Oh for god's sake. Give it up. This is just crap. Do you really think it is what people want to read? Why are you doing this?"

This was the anonymous lament that was posted on my piece:

Welcome to the Inner Sanctum

And this is my answer.

Because not every damn thing is ABOUT YOU! That post is a piece of creative writing prompted by a picture sent to me by an old dear friend as a joke. You remember jokes don't you? And fiction? Yes, there are probably points that resonated, but hey - why the hell were you even on my blog? Trying to find more things to lie and try to cause trouble about? What I find so very ironic is that this is terminology that I have used for decades, and yet YOU chose to use those exact phrases to try and hurt me when your gloves came off. Remember we joked about t-shirts for my 45th? And how you laughed because you had never HEARD of those expressions? The same expressions you STOLE to try and get at me? Yes, I did realise exactly what that printout on the fridge that day was meant to do, sadly for you it failed. All it ended up doing was to open my eyes as to what a dull, unoriginal, immature person you are.

I was going to leave this. I was not going here again as I was free and clear and happy. I had not published that comment because you are one of the most pitiful, attention seeking people I have ever had the misfortune to know. But then you had to do it, didn't you? You know what I refer to. 
You see, it is not as it was when you were lying, manipulating, and attacking me. You really stuffed up this time. There are now many of us who see you for what you are. We compare notes and it is easy to follow the trail of falsehood when you don't even keep the story straight. The crocodile tears and the poor defenceless me act doesn't work when the audience knows all it is is just a bad performance.

I pity you, I really do. I once wondered if you really were delusional enough to believe the bull you spread, thought maybe you were so caught up in playing the victim you had convinced yourself your falsehoods were truth. I actually would have been willing to talk it all out in those days. Not any more. Not since your attacks involved my husband and my children, not since it became an attempt to destroy me and who I am. Especially as the pattern of deceit is now obvious.

Guess what? I know you lied to your own husband because he was still polite and friendly with me. Saying I was telling people he tried to crack on to me? Pfft - what a load of bull... but you needed to make him so uncomfortable he could not face me, didn't you?  Poor man. Not to mention all the other accusations you made up about me. The so-called attacks, the things I allegedly said. You must know it was only you and your lies, always you. Or are you so delusional that your twisted crap has become your reality?

But people like you get found out. The bullshit flows and flows until it is a flood of fabrication totally beyond your control.  You get so caught up in your tangled web of manipulation, accusations and possessiveness you forget you could lose.You try childish ultimatums, thinking only of winning, and then fall in shock when it all blows apart in your face. And all untruths lose power once they are revealed. Unmasked.

I have to wonder what the people you spill your bile to think? Do they worry: "If she is saying this to me about them, what is she saying to them about me?" They should. Yet I know it took a long time before I did. Friends should never destroy others like this.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that you don't say such horrible things about people you supposedly care about? 

I wonder if Eeyore (whom you  so named) knows you tell people you don't really like her but inherited her? Does she know you mock and ignore her when she calls? As for telling my lovely, trustworthy, truthful friend that I had called one of your best friends a stalker... Hah - Eeyore, one of your best friends? You don't even like her! Someone you have no time for? Um yes, I did call her a stalker but she is not dangerous, merely sad. Oh, and don't you remember YOU were the one telling me of her obsession with me? The fact all she could talk about to her psych was me? Forget that bit, did you? Or were you so busy using her as a puppet to do your bidding of late that it slipped your mind? Hell, with you as a so-called friend, who needs enemies? Poor sad Eeyore.

Now though, now you gambled and tried to hurt so many others. But the thing about gambling is the risk of losing, and you now have. All gone - your house of cards built on untruths has finally toppled.  

But don't worry about us. You are not what is focused on. It is only when you attempt your nasty, childish games that you are mentioned. And even then my advice is to ignore the behaviour, just as you would a petulant child. Most days you are not even a fleeting thought.


As you said to a friend: "So that's it then?" Yes. It is. Bazinga. Done.

For those reading this, if you haven't read of the horror of this experience and the one about whom I am talking then go to:

• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here

Apologies for the rant, but it needed to be told. Honestly, how disgusting to do this again and again and again.

Karma is my friend

Sitting back, watching the universe unleash its power. Funny how people do not realise that old adage is true:

You'd think some would know life has a way of creating its own justice. All you need do is be patient, keep quiet, don't stoop to the low level no matter how tempting it may be when the lies and dramas continually bombard you. Be true to yourself.

Kaboom! Come on. I'm allowed to gloat just a little after 18 months of hell, aren't I? Okay, I know not too much as then karma will come after me, but just for a minute or two, m'kay? So "hi ladies (and I do use that term loosely), my life is pretty damn swell, how's yours?" Okay, done. Dusted. Gone. *Poof*

If it Walks Like a Duck

Quacks like a duck and tastes like a duck, NICELY roasted and adorned with a tangy plum sauce, then the odds are it is a duck! What on earth is she on about now, I can hear you asking yourself.

It appears that many cyber friends have been the victim of an elaborate fraudster. A blogger/twitterer lying swindler attempting to set up the big con. But she came unstuck, how I do not know, but word spread quickly and she vanished into the ether. You can read here and here and follow the links/comments onto the many trails of betrayal. I am cautious with people until I get to know them irl. I am happy to offer support, advice and tentative friendship, but never money or financial help, especially if asked. To me it is the ultimate red flag, and I will run a mile if scenting any type of fiduciary motives. It stems from a childhood of watching the flame haired one get scammed for money by unscrupulous men who proclaimed to love her. It arises from so-called lovers stealing from her residence after her death, even blatantly denying it when cught red-handed by our horrified parents. It comes from personal experience in my ignorant youth when people felt they were entitled to keep money borrowed from myself, whilst knowing I was a struggling student.

Trust your gut, and CONSTANTLY be aware that people are not always what they seem. Sadly, life is now about protecting ourselves whilst relationships are developing. Being open but not TOO candid, keeping your eyes peeled and senses alert even whilst embracing new friendship. Walking that fine line of not shutting yourself off from life, and not leaving yourself open to deception.

Oh, and whilst I am on here I'll tag onto the end (a day late) of Flog Ya Blog Friday.

Go, check out the boss babe's rules. If you don't follow them she can be roolly scary...

Fighting My Inner Self

 At what point do you let go of all morals and integrity, the essence of who you were, and scream ENOUGH! At what stage do you spill all the truths no matter who it hurts?

Some moments I am raging inside with the injustice of it all, others I just want to curl up and die. I know I have a few solid, good people on my side, but the fact that others still believe the drivel, well it floors me and I must admit quite a few people I thought I knew well have dropped in my esteem.

Nine months of constant manipulation and bullshit. Nine months of shadows and whispers. Nine months of dripping poison and vitrol. Too long, too hard, too much. A lot of the time I was okay, fine in fact. Even though aware of the crap it did not get to me. But like all toxic bullies they have a honed sense of when to strike, when you are weak due to outside pressures and forces, when it will be most effective.

Someone suggested in a comment that I spill all here, and at times I am truly tempted to do so. But somewhere deep inside me I know if I do I become like them. And they are both so ugly inside and out I would hate to be like them.

So I hover undecided, fight or flee. The ammunition I have is lethal, if I choose fight then a lot of innocent people will be hurt as the horrific things they accused others of are revealed. Because, like I once did, these people perceive these two as friends and would be destroyed if they knew the truth.

And then there is also the biggest bombshell of all. The one that would annihilate people's perceptions forever. The one secret that only few know about the one master puppeteer.

*Tick*Tick**Tick*Tick**Tick*Tick**Tick*Tick**Tick*Tick*

Enough!

I am here. Just. Hanging by a thread.

Letting Out The Inner Bitch

Hell, I know she comes out for exercise on a fairly regular basis but she screams so friggin loud if I don't. And to be honest she isn't too bad at the moment (not up to the regular cycle week of scariness here yet), and has retained the ability to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Dribs and drabs of the small town madness are getting let loose, it seems. Full moon? No idea but I think not, more like victim mentality at its finest. An innocent comment, taken, twisted and transformed into a personal attack. Some people have way too little self-esteem and far too much of a persecution complex.

Arrgghhh - why is it some people take such pleasure in building their lives on this petty crap? What amuses me even further is the accusation I have been making digs at her online. I can only assume she means here, and sadly the only comments prior to this latest self-perpetuated drama of her imagination were the aforementioned soppy, where is my friend and what have I done pathetic posts. Friggit - go back and read you silly little girl, where in hell did I attack you? In fact in this whole dramatic process YOU have led the assault EVERY time. Oh, and I love the blaming my deleting you from facebook reason for the end of the friendship. I deleted you in January, the ice princess act started in September, I tried for  FIVE months to keep the friendship, and only deleted you when some of your alleged comments came back to me. As I could not ask you I had to believe, with the below zero freeze out, they were true. Oh, and you blocked me you stupid, stupid woman. I just culled you along with many for multitudes of reasons.

You know what? Most of us have far more pressing issues to address in our lives than to deal with your paranoia. Keep out of my life, stop making up these ridiculous stories (they really are doing you no good, in fact more people seem to be getting your number with each episode), and grow the fuck up.

Must admit, the more shit, the less I miss the so-called friendship and the greater the gratitude of being free of it all. What is even sadder is that a second close friend has now told me what a nasty, spiteful person I had morphed into with this friendship. What can you say when someone says : "Welcome back" and you weren't even aware your true self had vanished?

Ah, that's better. Rant over. Bitch back in her box.

Oh, and if anyone here wants to have some decency and come and ask about these chinese whispers please do. It is what real friends and grownups do. It's called communicating.

December 9: Challenge #best09

Something that really made you grow this year. That made you go to your edge and then some. What made it the best challenge of the year for you?

One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.

~Steven Dietz~

By far the hardest thing I have faced this year has been the betrayal of someone I considered a good friend. To this day I have no idea what it was that made her turn against me. I will not deny it hurt. To some degree it still does. But what I do thank her for is that it made me take a good, long, hard look at elements of who I had become. And I did not like it. We all bitch, vent, moan at some point in our lives. We are all guilty of doing it about people we care about, be it family or friends. It is when it becomes a daily centre of your life that it is time to step back, take some control, stop.

I had travelled this path many moons before, and it had taken a year of backpacking for me to work out who I really was, why I had become that way and how I wished to be. There is no excuse. I could say I became caught up in the drama of it all, I could claim I was adrift after my closest friends here went travelling or moved, I could point the finger and childishly moan: "But she made me..." However, I am an adult and as such am responsible for the company I keep and the decisions I make.

So, you know who you are, if you are reading this:

Thank You!

I am working on being true to myself. I know I am loyal, supportive and a good person, even if I lost some of the fun and laughter for a while. I have now removed the toxicity which shrouded some of these things. And don't worry, no matter what you say to whomever, I will not betray you. It would be against my personal code of honour. The people who truly know me, love me, have accepted my apologies for my aberration, and most of all are happy to see the real me back. I wish for you the same.

Now, if I can just lesson the other stresses in my life I'll be flawless!

Not!

Irrational

I am sitting here, sobbing my eyes out after watching a comedy: The Boat That Rocked. The boat sank and they were alone. I am alone.

Irrational, I know, but right now in the dark, lonely place I lurk, it is entirely logical to me. I give friendship easily, I love to envelope, nurture, hold, feel. Trust is slower. Trust is deeper. So when not once, but twice it is hurled back into my face as ME betraying them, it hurts. I NEVER, even after someone cuts me to the heart, will betray their trust. It is not the way I work. But I hate it.

I hate the paranoia it creates, I hate the lying, the games, the way I question EVERYTHING in my life. And at this point, I am so scared if what is happening to me is serious, I hate the way the people who were meant to be there for my kids will let them down the way they have let me down, and will shape them.

Oh God, my oldest has come so far, I want him to have the emotional, nuturing, mummy parachute that maybe I will not provide. I am probably being stupid. But know that people who are supposedly friends in my life do not believe that the test results show nothing and yet I throw up blood. But both my children and my husband have witnessed it. Fuck. Maybe I am the internal Jesus. I so wanted it to be an ulcer. I want answers.

Dear God, why do they not see?

I am always the strong one for them - do they not see my Achilles heel? I hate people sometimes.

Jumping at shadows.

Paranoia is an unfounded or exaggerated distrust of others, sometimes reaching delusional proportions. Paranoid individuals constantly suspect the motives of those around them, and believe that certain individuals, or people in general, are "out to get them."

My trust in others has diminished. I now question judgement, loyalty and motives of those surrounding me. I feel betrayed. My husband, whose opinion I can rely on, tells me I need to distance myself from all involved in this fiasco. He talks to me about people making mischief and not standing by their words. Of lying by omission. "True friends would not do this," is how he phrases it.

So the free-fall continues. I am now trusting only those I have known for many, many years, the friends who have stepped up, watched my back and never, ever walked away, or twisted things to make me feel worse. As my child's psychologist once said: "There is no such thing as bad friends. People that act this way cannot be called friends."