Big boy had friends over last night. We had cancelled it early in the week, before this nightmare from which I want to wake hit, but then two of the boys had complained of their disappointment, and he relented. In truth, he really needed this night. Watching your wife unravel is not an easy thing.
And so there were four. One was his builder mate from a bit away, and so they decided he was to crash here for the night. The other two I was to ferry home if required. It all sounded okay. I was still balancing precariously on the edge but had managed not to let the two little men staying over on the previous night get any inkling of the upheaval contained within. I just didn't interact with them as much as usual and let Big Boy check on them all. All looks good at a distance.
I had a bad moment as we headed to drop off Boy 2's friend. His mother had spoken to me the night before and could hear the panic and fear I was trying to hold in. She told me she could hear me shaking over the phone, dear Lord, was I that bad? She is the only one who has taken a stand after Big Boy let her know what the week had played out as. I did not want anyone to know, my paranoia is such that I am convinced people will point and say: "See, just like they said, she is delusional, she is the one who has started all this..." and no matter how much I proclaim my innocence I will still be seen as the antagoniser and they as the victims.
As we rounded the corner to head down her road my palms were sweating and I could not breath. I asked BB to drop me off at the corner shop, but changed my mind when I saw how very crowded it was. Crowds would undo me. And so, with my fingernails digging into the soft tissue of my hands we pulled into their driveway. I should have trusted her. After a quick hug the conversation remained light, friendly, non-threatening emotionally. We left with a smile, me feeling a huge amount of relief at not falling apart, and BB happy to have heard me laugh.
And so we headed into the evening, me thinking, "Hey, this I can do!" BB has a quick rest as I go to clean up for our guests. I am such a fool, the tiny thread begins to unravel when sorting laundry. I panic. I put a shirt in the wrong pile, and my boys walk in to see me shaking, crying, muttering "wrong pile, wrong pile" over and over. Boy 2 goes to get Dad, and oh God, my big son, my glorious boy who himself is facing so many demons, my Boy 1 puts his arms around me and comforts me, patting my back as I have done for him so many times. He soothes me,"It's alright Mum, we will help you, I will take away the stress, I love you, you are the best Mum, let us help..." Oh Christ, he steps up when unexpected and shows me what a truly precious soul is contained within all that turmoil. He consoles me until the shaking stops, and we both sort the rest of the laundry with him touching me, stroking my hair, reassuring me with little strokes of love. A friend rang, concerned over reading this blog. I could not speak to her, I knew it would take away any chance of me pulling off this act for the night. I know you are reading my friend, and I am sorry, but the hold is too tenuous and my brief conversation on Friday night with another who cares like you, showed me that. It hurts and is too raw when the dam gates open.
Nobody knew last night, not one crack in the facade appeared as I briefly flitted in and out. I was the waitress, keeping out of the poker play, dropping food in, leaving quickly. I figured if my taxi service was needed I would be so exhausted by the early hours of the morning my quietness would be missed by my tipsy passengers. I prayed it would be so. At 1am big Boy comes upstairs to let me know I was not required, someone was sensible enough to drink lightly and thus drive himself and his friend home safely.
I slept fitfully from that point, but awoke this morning in sheer panic. I knew I could not face our other friend, no matter that he was not a local nor involved in any way shape or form with the dramas in my life. My act last night had cost me dearly, and I stood in the shower sobbing, shaking, struggling not to throw up.
Is this to be my punishment? Am I, the most social creature, to lose my ability to be around any other person? I am sure our friend accepted Big Boy's explanation of a migraine. I hope he did, for I would hate to hurt him. I just could not face him and make conversation, the thought makes me feel physically sick even now. God, I hate them so much for what they have done.
And as I know they read this from the horrible comments made to others, I hope you are happy. But as I have nothing to lose do not expect me to be civilised, that veneer has been cruelly stripped by your actions over the last nine months of hell. Not to mention the six months before that as the stalker ramped up her possessive efforts. I no longer care if anyone believes me, I have nothing to lose. You are such a pair of fools, I would not have betrayed your confidences even though you thought otherwise. But now, now I could not give a damn who knows. And I no longer have the emotional reserves to care if others are hurt.
I am a Madmother of two wonderful boys, wife to an amazing and tolerant man, daughter to an incredible woman whom we lost Oct 2010.
I have 4 blogs. Meandering is rambling, general, whatever takes my fancy stuff. Woven Words is for my short stories and creative writing, Nimbobulan Dreamings is my kids story. And my latest is Hellion on Wheels: my Roller Derby journey. Feel free to look at or follow all 4 if you wish.
Do note, however, all blogs are copyright of the author. They are not to be copied or printed and distributed without written permission from Madmother.