Sunday, October 4, 2009

Irrational


I am sitting here, sobbing my eyes out after watching a comedy: The Boat That Rocked. The boat sank and they were alone. I am alone.


Irrational, I know, but right now in the dark, lonely place I lurk, it is entirely logical to me. I give friendship easily, I love to envelope, nurture, hold, feel. Trust is slower. Trust is deeper. So when not once, but twice it is hurled back into my face as ME betraying them, it hurts. I NEVER, even after someone cuts me to the heart, will betray their trust. It is not the way I work. But I hate it.


I hate the paranoia it creates, I hate the lying, the games, the way I question EVERYTHING in my life. And at this point, I am so scared if what is happening to me is serious, I hate the way the people who were meant to be there for my kids will let them down the way they have let me down, and will shape them.

Oh God, my oldest has come so far, I want him to have the emotional, nuturing, mummy parachute that maybe I will not provide. I am probably being stupid. But know that people who are supposedly friends in my life do not believe that the test results show nothing and yet I throw up blood. But both my children and my husband have witnessed it. Fuck. Maybe I am the internal Jesus. I so wanted it to be an ulcer. I want answers.


Dear God, why do they not see?
I am always the strong one for them - do they not see my Achilles heel? I hate people sometimes.

3 comments:

Sharalyn said...

You ok? Sorry I haven't really kept in touch alot lately, I tend to get too busy in our own little world here. But always remember, I'm here if you ever need anything - you still have my number? I hope everything works out ok.

Melissa said...

I'm here. I know I'm not close enough to be of much practical help. But I'm here to talk. Boys are back in school etc today.
You aren't alone.

Madmother said...

Sorry for the ASW moment, but I think going back to school and having to put on my *nice* face to these people is really getting to me. And going home for that few days really showed how nurtering and easy some friendships are. I would like to have people in my life that feel we, as a family, matter. And someone I can ring and go, "I'm in a bad place, let's go have a coffee so I can snap out of it." Instead I have people who I no longer trust pretending to be lovely and sweet. All for show.