When Friendship Dies

I had a friend. A really close friend. Someone I trusted, spoke to daily, supported as she supported me. Then the THING happened. You know, the THING that seems to be oh so common? The chill. You know something has changed but have no idea why? You start to second guess every recent discussion, every chat, every joke, every little thing, searching, trying to work out what YOU did wrong.

And eventually you realise. It is not YOU, it is her, and no matter how much that friendship mattered at the time, you have to walk away and let it go.

As I always tell my children, you cannot control the actions of another, merely your own actions and reactions.

I was over at Maxabella's yesterday, and read her post on the death of a friendship. Then I read the comments and realised just how common this sort of thing is between women. It helps to know others go through the same thing, it helps not to be alone.

I wonder if they ended up in such a toxic situation as mine became, the constant lies, trouble-making, victim mentality attacks. The stalking (for it can be called no other), the isolation as I refused to enter into a he said/she said battle with mutual friends. The trouble it caused for my children, especially my youngest, when her poison spread to our school. The relief when the focus turned to others and finally so many saw her for what she really is. And finally, the letting go of all her crap, and the acceptance that it was never about me, it was always about her (and THAT took a long time, believe me).

It is sad that women seem to think it is acceptable to attack one another, or to act foolishly and vindictively. High School Mentality (HSM) is a curse that some seem to never outgrow.

And for all that I have been accused of being confrontational over the years, I'd rather be seen as straight-talking, no bullshit woman than as a back stabber and immature bitch.

Ladies - be kind to one another, you never know what is happening behind closed doors. Friendships change and evolve, have the guts to say you have changed or grown apart and keep a semblance of civility, eh?

Surely we are all mature enough for that at least...

So Apt.

A lovely friend of mine e-mailed this to me today. Very, very appropriate considering the last week and last post. I am still at the point where praying for them might be stretching it a bit, but letting such people stew in their own shit is closer. And I certainly won't be digging them out of their own garbage when the rot sets in.

No, I haven't missed the point, 90% of the time I would feel like below, it is just that last 10% I need to work on...

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.


My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.


So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,
 

'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.


The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.


Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So ... Love the people who treat you right.
Pray for the ones who don't.
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

The Last Post

On this topic anyway.

I keep thinking it is over. Done.

I keep thinking she has finally moved on.

And then, the ugly head is raised again.

Yesterday I had to have a talk with someone. Yesterday I had to once more explain I had not said something she had blamed me for. Yesterday I had to attempt to right a wrong and warn an innocent party to shield themselves from the poison.

Once upon a time I would have shuffled past, head bowed, unable to look the other in the eye. At the worst of the bullshit, when it was still only me, I would have kept my mouth shut, locked in my own bizarre world where my word was my code and I vowed not to stoop to her level.

But this time, instead of being angry and feeling persecuted, I am merely disgusted.Now I see silence is not being honourable, it is not letting others to make an informed decision. So I am silent no more. When (as I was three days ago), I am told of her attacks and lies I now seek out the person the poison has been poured out to, and tell my side. I have given up any hope of her admitting her words and actions, and in a twisted way, count my blessings her mouth blabbed so much, and that she spoke those horrific words to so many. For now it is not my word against hers, it is mine and J's and M's and Big Boy's (which surprisingly, I only discovered yesterday that she had said this particular nasty jibe in person to...) and many others.

It is sad that this continues, it is really nasty that others are still being fed this absolute garbage. And it has reached the point where action has to be taken. Some suggest mediation, but my issue with this is she would refuse to attend. My husband wants us to take the legal path, as people are willing to make statements, support us, tell the truth of what has been said to them. It is slander, plain and simple. And we can prove the fiduciary cost.

I honestly have not decided where to from here. Is it merely making a very sick woman's life intolerable? Will it make her stop, for she is not sensible or logical or even, in my opinion, very smart. To continue this behaviour for 2 & 1/2 years... that is not the act of an intelligent woman. Especially when her actions have now cost her so very many friends. All due to her own actions. And will continue to do so, for it is a very obvious pattern.

BFF's
New person introduced.
New person moved to BFF status.
Turn on old BFF.
Attack.

This lady I had to speak to was the first one I witnessed this cycle with, I was the new BFF. This genteel, softly spoken woman was wooed back AFTER everything fell apart for the nasty one. When so many had walked away as the scales fell from their eyes. When the liar looked around and saw so few. She is far more forgiving than I, or maybe just unaware of how toxic the words  bandied about were. Words aimed at her family, not just herself.

After I walked away from our discussion, I knew there was so much more I could have told her, and probably much I was not clear on. I worried that I didn't explain myself enough, that I hadn't clarified things I should have.

And then I realised, I had told her my truth, I had given her my version of the words I was accused of, and could do no more. And if she chose to risk herself and her family by maintaining the relationship, then that was not my business. Her battle, is not my battle. And I had done all I could by being honest and speaking to her as soon as I was aware of the lies.

Now is the time to let it be, for I have said my piece. Until the next shard of poison pierces another...

"Why are you doing this?"

"Oh for god's sake. Give it up. This is just crap. Do you really think it is what people want to read? Why are you doing this?"

This was the anonymous lament that was posted on my piece:

Welcome to the Inner Sanctum

And this is my answer.

Because not every damn thing is ABOUT YOU! That post is a piece of creative writing prompted by a picture sent to me by an old dear friend as a joke. You remember jokes don't you? And fiction? Yes, there are probably points that resonated, but hey - why the hell were you even on my blog? Trying to find more things to lie and try to cause trouble about? What I find so very ironic is that this is terminology that I have used for decades, and yet YOU chose to use those exact phrases to try and hurt me when your gloves came off. Remember we joked about t-shirts for my 45th? And how you laughed because you had never HEARD of those expressions? The same expressions you STOLE to try and get at me? Yes, I did realise exactly what that printout on the fridge that day was meant to do, sadly for you it failed. All it ended up doing was to open my eyes as to what a dull, unoriginal, immature person you are.

I was going to leave this. I was not going here again as I was free and clear and happy. I had not published that comment because you are one of the most pitiful, attention seeking people I have ever had the misfortune to know. But then you had to do it, didn't you? You know what I refer to. 
You see, it is not as it was when you were lying, manipulating, and attacking me. You really stuffed up this time. There are now many of us who see you for what you are. We compare notes and it is easy to follow the trail of falsehood when you don't even keep the story straight. The crocodile tears and the poor defenceless me act doesn't work when the audience knows all it is is just a bad performance.

I pity you, I really do. I once wondered if you really were delusional enough to believe the bull you spread, thought maybe you were so caught up in playing the victim you had convinced yourself your falsehoods were truth. I actually would have been willing to talk it all out in those days. Not any more. Not since your attacks involved my husband and my children, not since it became an attempt to destroy me and who I am. Especially as the pattern of deceit is now obvious.

Guess what? I know you lied to your own husband because he was still polite and friendly with me. Saying I was telling people he tried to crack on to me? Pfft - what a load of bull... but you needed to make him so uncomfortable he could not face me, didn't you?  Poor man. Not to mention all the other accusations you made up about me. The so-called attacks, the things I allegedly said. You must know it was only you and your lies, always you. Or are you so delusional that your twisted crap has become your reality?

But people like you get found out. The bullshit flows and flows until it is a flood of fabrication totally beyond your control.  You get so caught up in your tangled web of manipulation, accusations and possessiveness you forget you could lose.You try childish ultimatums, thinking only of winning, and then fall in shock when it all blows apart in your face. And all untruths lose power once they are revealed. Unmasked.

I have to wonder what the people you spill your bile to think? Do they worry: "If she is saying this to me about them, what is she saying to them about me?" They should. Yet I know it took a long time before I did. Friends should never destroy others like this.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that you don't say such horrible things about people you supposedly care about? 

I wonder if Eeyore (whom you  so named) knows you tell people you don't really like her but inherited her? Does she know you mock and ignore her when she calls? As for telling my lovely, trustworthy, truthful friend that I had called one of your best friends a stalker... Hah - Eeyore, one of your best friends? You don't even like her! Someone you have no time for? Um yes, I did call her a stalker but she is not dangerous, merely sad. Oh, and don't you remember YOU were the one telling me of her obsession with me? The fact all she could talk about to her psych was me? Forget that bit, did you? Or were you so busy using her as a puppet to do your bidding of late that it slipped your mind? Hell, with you as a so-called friend, who needs enemies? Poor sad Eeyore.

Now though, now you gambled and tried to hurt so many others. But the thing about gambling is the risk of losing, and you now have. All gone - your house of cards built on untruths has finally toppled.  

But don't worry about us. You are not what is focused on. It is only when you attempt your nasty, childish games that you are mentioned. And even then my advice is to ignore the behaviour, just as you would a petulant child. Most days you are not even a fleeting thought.


As you said to a friend: "So that's it then?" Yes. It is. Bazinga. Done.

For those reading this, if you haven't read of the horror of this experience and the one about whom I am talking then go to:

• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here

Apologies for the rant, but it needed to be told. Honestly, how disgusting to do this again and again and again.

Well, This Certainly Was an Unusual One!

What a mixed weekend! Bit like the girl with the curl... You know the one:

There was a little girl,

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,

She was very, very good

But when she was bad,

She was HORRID!

The good bits were incredible:

Friday night birthday dinner for a lovely new friend (and with some old ones). Great food, great company, lots of laughter (and yes Rose, I was a wild one in my youth now I think about it). It was especially good because up until about 2 hours prior to the reservation I did not think I could swing it. But thanks to my wonderful Big Boy, and two very well behaved little-ish boys (+ their two really cool mates), make it I did! Excellent night!

Saturday Nuffnang Bloggers meet. Well, what can one say about perfection? Seriously wonderful day, company unsurpassed, fantastic to meet bloggers I have only gotten to know on the web, and great to make some new discoveries to follow. Must admit the highlight (besides meeting the glorious Melissa in all her flamboyant glory) was enjoying the company of a young man named Tornado. He won my heart with very little effort.

The pictures tell the story (none of my little friend - I'll leave that to his Mum), and I've not added all as many who attended will add their's...

Kookaburra Cafe, Paddington 12.3.2011

Me 'n Melissa (Suger Coat It)

No wine involved, but the vaseline on the lens helped!

Here's trouble! Tracy (Our Life in Blog Form), cjtato (Not Tonight Dear) and Madmother.

And on Sunday we again headed off to the big smoke for a visit to the Qld Museum at Southbank. It was a good day until one experience soured it a little, but more on that in the BAD. Which has a good side too.

Which I may as well jump into now...

Friday started the negative. Harsh written words finally drove me away from a parenting website I have been a member of for five years. It is a place that has saved my sanity more than once, and where I have made some wonderful cyber and irl friends. I won't rehash too much, see my previous posts and you'll get the jist.

Saturday was good, with a little residual regret about the loss, and some major LOUDNESS at the lunch (yes, by me - I am loud but do tend to get more so when nervous).

Sunday. Well Sunday was the day of holy crap! Before we left I had an incident with a stray kitten. The little thing was out in the rain in our rainforest, I managed to coax the timid scrap to me, Big Boy went back inside to get food and a cat cage. Cat saw either Big Boy or cage as extremely distressing and so renovated my hands and wrists with a fair amount of savagery. More upsetting was the fact this little thing took off like a rocket and is still out there alone in the rain.

So we are late heading off. Go to Museum. When boys and father wander downstairs to interactive science section (where we have been many times before) I decide to hit the markets and join up with them later.

Spend my time giggling away at a badges stall, bought many for my boys (and one for me: Don't drink Drive, it is a laundry detergent), headed back to meet my men.

Walk up, Boy 1 looking distressed. Quickly becomes clear why.

They were going to call and meet me after indulging their geek side. Phone rings, am 5 metres from them go to meet up.  This is what I was then told.

Coming down lift after going across overpass to bypass traffic, 2 young asian girls were in lift with them. Doors open, they all get out. Guy (and 2 others) in beaten up old flatback ute screeches over up kerb, driver jumps out stoned out of his gourd, grabs one of the girls starts screaming "What the fuck were you looking at" with lots of racist terms. Big Boy immediately yells "Let her go. Leave her alone." Guy lets go of girl, grabs Big Boy by the shirt starts screaming "I'm going to fucking bash your head, you are dead c*nt". By this time Boy 2 has run off to hide behind building, Boy 1 is telling the guy to let go of his father, Big Boy is telling the guy to let him go or else he won't be responsible for his actions, security guard comes around corner as guy runs off, thumps another car bashing it in as he passes, jumps back in driver side, screeches off. The girl had run off as soon as he let her go. Police were rung but security guard only saw guy run off, we decided not to go any further.
But my darling oldest boy kept his head and got the number plate and make of car! God I love that boy, told him (as he sobbed in my arms - he held it together until he saw Mum), he is just like his Mum, keeps it together when the crisis is happening, falls apart afterwards.
You can imagine how both my children feel, though I told them their Dad is a hero so they should be proud. Boy 1 is now asleep in my bed after a nightmare at 4am (which is why I am awake).

What a day.

But the good did outweigh the bad.

Can't say my life is boring!

Karma is my friend

Sitting back, watching the universe unleash its power. Funny how people do not realise that old adage is true:

You'd think some would know life has a way of creating its own justice. All you need do is be patient, keep quiet, don't stoop to the low level no matter how tempting it may be when the lies and dramas continually bombard you. Be true to yourself.

Kaboom! Come on. I'm allowed to gloat just a little after 18 months of hell, aren't I? Okay, I know not too much as then karma will come after me, but just for a minute or two, m'kay? So "hi ladies (and I do use that term loosely), my life is pretty damn swell, how's yours?" Okay, done. Dusted. Gone. *Poof*

Sometimes it is Hard to go Back...

We have had a lovely break, and are now on our return journey back to the mountain. We are sitting back at Tinonee, home of my heart, staying an extra night as Boy 1 is not well with a virus.

And now I come to the crux of this post. I do not want to go home. I do not want to return to the petty bitching nastiness I have faced since July last year. I do not want to have to deny lies, justify innocent comments, or explain myself and my family anymore. In all honesty, if I had a choice ( and I do not), I would move everyone back here. To this little town where my childhood friends are. To the place where people have known me for decades and KNOW ME. Where they are not swayed by utter crap, or conned by professional victims. Where liars are exposed, ridiculed and made to back off.

My children are excited to be on their way home. I am not.

*Sigh*. Back to the bullshit.

Letting Out The Inner Bitch

Hell, I know she comes out for exercise on a fairly regular basis but she screams so friggin loud if I don't. And to be honest she isn't too bad at the moment (not up to the regular cycle week of scariness here yet), and has retained the ability to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Dribs and drabs of the small town madness are getting let loose, it seems. Full moon? No idea but I think not, more like victim mentality at its finest. An innocent comment, taken, twisted and transformed into a personal attack. Some people have way too little self-esteem and far too much of a persecution complex.

Arrgghhh - why is it some people take such pleasure in building their lives on this petty crap? What amuses me even further is the accusation I have been making digs at her online. I can only assume she means here, and sadly the only comments prior to this latest self-perpetuated drama of her imagination were the aforementioned soppy, where is my friend and what have I done pathetic posts. Friggit - go back and read you silly little girl, where in hell did I attack you? In fact in this whole dramatic process YOU have led the assault EVERY time. Oh, and I love the blaming my deleting you from facebook reason for the end of the friendship. I deleted you in January, the ice princess act started in September, I tried for  FIVE months to keep the friendship, and only deleted you when some of your alleged comments came back to me. As I could not ask you I had to believe, with the below zero freeze out, they were true. Oh, and you blocked me you stupid, stupid woman. I just culled you along with many for multitudes of reasons.

You know what? Most of us have far more pressing issues to address in our lives than to deal with your paranoia. Keep out of my life, stop making up these ridiculous stories (they really are doing you no good, in fact more people seem to be getting your number with each episode), and grow the fuck up.

Must admit, the more shit, the less I miss the so-called friendship and the greater the gratitude of being free of it all. What is even sadder is that a second close friend has now told me what a nasty, spiteful person I had morphed into with this friendship. What can you say when someone says : "Welcome back" and you weren't even aware your true self had vanished?

Ah, that's better. Rant over. Bitch back in her box.

Oh, and if anyone here wants to have some decency and come and ask about these chinese whispers please do. It is what real friends and grownups do. It's called communicating.

Not Happy Jan!

I don't get it. I just don't get it! I know for some unknown mysterious reason I have hit the dumped list, I know YOU have issues with me, but for God's sake you must have the basic common sense to realise if you bitch about me to someone known to open their mouth, especially when alcohol is involved IT WILL GET BACK TO ME! We live in a small community, you must have known it would be repeated! I don't care when you said it, I have only just heard it and it hurts!

At least have the guts to come and talk to me face to face instead of slinking around whispering your poison. Do you know what friendship is, do you have any common decency or loyalty? I used to think so but now I truly doubt it.

Just keep out of my life if you hate me so much! Or maybe I will ditch my code of honour and tell a few of your so-called friends exactly what you said about them! Feel like I'm back in friggin' high school sometimes.

Rant over. Calm blue seas, calm blue seas...



A very, very  

The Monster Retires to Its Cave

I am feeling far more rational today, the rage has dissipated as quickly as it arose. Hormones, stress and unresolved resentment over the actions of people in my day to day life had blended to create a bubbling cauldron full of anger and angst. Exercise certainly helped, and I think my initial mistake was not attending the boxercise class that morning. All may well have been resolved with a few well-aimed, politically correct punches but instead it became a day of flaming fury.

On days like Saturday I know exactly where my oldest son's sense of justice and black & white opinions come from. In a perfect world those that do wrong would suffer the hellfires of painful punishment, in the real world they almost always get away with it, that is if they are not rewarded for their actions! Where are all the superheroes when you need them?

But, as it is not something I can change, I have to let it go. Any attempts to unveil the evil would merely result in fingers being pointed and more nastiness. The tragedy is the next generation witnessing and learning this behaviour will merely perpetuate the cycle. I wonder if these people think about what lessons they are teaching their children?

So, life moves forward. The manicness of work, holidays, kids, Nanna, work, house continues. But this time with an underlying sense of sanity. Calmness prevails (as much as it ever does in this family's life).