When Friendship Dies

I had a friend. A really close friend. Someone I trusted, spoke to daily, supported as she supported me. Then the THING happened. You know, the THING that seems to be oh so common? The chill. You know something has changed but have no idea why? You start to second guess every recent discussion, every chat, every joke, every little thing, searching, trying to work out what YOU did wrong.

And eventually you realise. It is not YOU, it is her, and no matter how much that friendship mattered at the time, you have to walk away and let it go.

As I always tell my children, you cannot control the actions of another, merely your own actions and reactions.

I was over at Maxabella's yesterday, and read her post on the death of a friendship. Then I read the comments and realised just how common this sort of thing is between women. It helps to know others go through the same thing, it helps not to be alone.

I wonder if they ended up in such a toxic situation as mine became, the constant lies, trouble-making, victim mentality attacks. The stalking (for it can be called no other), the isolation as I refused to enter into a he said/she said battle with mutual friends. The trouble it caused for my children, especially my youngest, when her poison spread to our school. The relief when the focus turned to others and finally so many saw her for what she really is. And finally, the letting go of all her crap, and the acceptance that it was never about me, it was always about her (and THAT took a long time, believe me).

It is sad that women seem to think it is acceptable to attack one another, or to act foolishly and vindictively. High School Mentality (HSM) is a curse that some seem to never outgrow.

And for all that I have been accused of being confrontational over the years, I'd rather be seen as straight-talking, no bullshit woman than as a back stabber and immature bitch.

Ladies - be kind to one another, you never know what is happening behind closed doors. Friendships change and evolve, have the guts to say you have changed or grown apart and keep a semblance of civility, eh?

Surely we are all mature enough for that at least...

So Apt.

A lovely friend of mine e-mailed this to me today. Very, very appropriate considering the last week and last post. I am still at the point where praying for them might be stretching it a bit, but letting such people stew in their own shit is closer. And I certainly won't be digging them out of their own garbage when the rot sets in.

No, I haven't missed the point, 90% of the time I would feel like below, it is just that last 10% I need to work on...

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.


My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.


So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call,
 

'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.


The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.


Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets.

So ... Love the people who treat you right.
Pray for the ones who don't.
Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a garbage-free day!

The Last Post

On this topic anyway.

I keep thinking it is over. Done.

I keep thinking she has finally moved on.

And then, the ugly head is raised again.

Yesterday I had to have a talk with someone. Yesterday I had to once more explain I had not said something she had blamed me for. Yesterday I had to attempt to right a wrong and warn an innocent party to shield themselves from the poison.

Once upon a time I would have shuffled past, head bowed, unable to look the other in the eye. At the worst of the bullshit, when it was still only me, I would have kept my mouth shut, locked in my own bizarre world where my word was my code and I vowed not to stoop to her level.

But this time, instead of being angry and feeling persecuted, I am merely disgusted.Now I see silence is not being honourable, it is not letting others to make an informed decision. So I am silent no more. When (as I was three days ago), I am told of her attacks and lies I now seek out the person the poison has been poured out to, and tell my side. I have given up any hope of her admitting her words and actions, and in a twisted way, count my blessings her mouth blabbed so much, and that she spoke those horrific words to so many. For now it is not my word against hers, it is mine and J's and M's and Big Boy's (which surprisingly, I only discovered yesterday that she had said this particular nasty jibe in person to...) and many others.

It is sad that this continues, it is really nasty that others are still being fed this absolute garbage. And it has reached the point where action has to be taken. Some suggest mediation, but my issue with this is she would refuse to attend. My husband wants us to take the legal path, as people are willing to make statements, support us, tell the truth of what has been said to them. It is slander, plain and simple. And we can prove the fiduciary cost.

I honestly have not decided where to from here. Is it merely making a very sick woman's life intolerable? Will it make her stop, for she is not sensible or logical or even, in my opinion, very smart. To continue this behaviour for 2 & 1/2 years... that is not the act of an intelligent woman. Especially when her actions have now cost her so very many friends. All due to her own actions. And will continue to do so, for it is a very obvious pattern.

BFF's
New person introduced.
New person moved to BFF status.
Turn on old BFF.
Attack.

This lady I had to speak to was the first one I witnessed this cycle with, I was the new BFF. This genteel, softly spoken woman was wooed back AFTER everything fell apart for the nasty one. When so many had walked away as the scales fell from their eyes. When the liar looked around and saw so few. She is far more forgiving than I, or maybe just unaware of how toxic the words  bandied about were. Words aimed at her family, not just herself.

After I walked away from our discussion, I knew there was so much more I could have told her, and probably much I was not clear on. I worried that I didn't explain myself enough, that I hadn't clarified things I should have.

And then I realised, I had told her my truth, I had given her my version of the words I was accused of, and could do no more. And if she chose to risk herself and her family by maintaining the relationship, then that was not my business. Her battle, is not my battle. And I had done all I could by being honest and speaking to her as soon as I was aware of the lies.

Now is the time to let it be, for I have said my piece. Until the next shard of poison pierces another...

Mean Girl Monday

"Why would she do this to me?" asked in bewilderment by a lovely lady through her tears. Betrayal, the hardest of all pills to swallow, the actions of a so-called friend throwing trust into disarray. Making you question your judgement of others.

I had no answer. I do not know why this person hurts with intent, I do not know if it is her insecurity or a purile power play. I do know she is not someone anyone needs in their lives. She is toxic. A mean girl. The mean girl who turned on me almost two years ago, the toxic former friend who made my life hell, and still tries to even now.

But for this other friend the betrayal was fresh and raw and bleeding. Even though the actions of this person were a long time ago she had only just found out about it. And she came to me because she now understood words I had spoken to her months before. "Be cautious, this is a small town, watch your back." That was all, no accusations, no ranting, no names, no pack drill. With her newfound knowledge these words resonated and the reason became clear.

"Was it her? Is that what you were talking about?" Yes. I knew of her disgusting claims and behaviour, there are so many she has maligned, lied and bitched about. So many power plays hidden below a smile as she plunged the knife deeply again and again. I could not tell people, I would not stoop to a he said/she said battle. To be honest I think back then when the campaign of shadows and whispers began, most would have believed her. She plays the sad, little victim so well - it is an art she perfected. Maybe my reasons were not quite so noble, maybe I was afraid to ask people to choose. Hell, I believed her for years and it is only with the clarity of hindsight I see how truly absurd some of her accusations were.

Whatever, it was all over now as she seriously underestimated her power and control over others, alienating more and more people. It was another of her disgusted former friends who outed her. One who grew sick of the nastiness and vile attacks, one who had the courage to call enough and walk away. One who knows all I know and more. One who will not stand by and tolerate any more bullshit.

And as each person finds out the truth, the word spreads. Last Friday as I talked with this woman, her pain turned to anger. And revenge. My advice was to walk away, cut the festering wound out, let her cut her own throat. For she will, and has already begun to. I do not know if my words reached past the need to hurt back, an emotion I understood all too well. I hope, for this lovely woman's sake, they did. If not, then others will be hurt as they are told of her lies and deception. But maybe they need to know. It will not be me unmasking her, but I am no longer keeping silent. If asked I am open and honest... or as others accuse me of, blunt and brutal. Sometimes if the scab has been pulled a little it is just better to rip it off fast.

"Why would she do this to me?"  Because she does it to everybody. She is a mean girl. Soon she will be a mean, lonely girl who nobody wants to play with.

"Why are you doing this?"

"Oh for god's sake. Give it up. This is just crap. Do you really think it is what people want to read? Why are you doing this?"

This was the anonymous lament that was posted on my piece:

Welcome to the Inner Sanctum

And this is my answer.

Because not every damn thing is ABOUT YOU! That post is a piece of creative writing prompted by a picture sent to me by an old dear friend as a joke. You remember jokes don't you? And fiction? Yes, there are probably points that resonated, but hey - why the hell were you even on my blog? Trying to find more things to lie and try to cause trouble about? What I find so very ironic is that this is terminology that I have used for decades, and yet YOU chose to use those exact phrases to try and hurt me when your gloves came off. Remember we joked about t-shirts for my 45th? And how you laughed because you had never HEARD of those expressions? The same expressions you STOLE to try and get at me? Yes, I did realise exactly what that printout on the fridge that day was meant to do, sadly for you it failed. All it ended up doing was to open my eyes as to what a dull, unoriginal, immature person you are.

I was going to leave this. I was not going here again as I was free and clear and happy. I had not published that comment because you are one of the most pitiful, attention seeking people I have ever had the misfortune to know. But then you had to do it, didn't you? You know what I refer to. 
You see, it is not as it was when you were lying, manipulating, and attacking me. You really stuffed up this time. There are now many of us who see you for what you are. We compare notes and it is easy to follow the trail of falsehood when you don't even keep the story straight. The crocodile tears and the poor defenceless me act doesn't work when the audience knows all it is is just a bad performance.

I pity you, I really do. I once wondered if you really were delusional enough to believe the bull you spread, thought maybe you were so caught up in playing the victim you had convinced yourself your falsehoods were truth. I actually would have been willing to talk it all out in those days. Not any more. Not since your attacks involved my husband and my children, not since it became an attempt to destroy me and who I am. Especially as the pattern of deceit is now obvious.

Guess what? I know you lied to your own husband because he was still polite and friendly with me. Saying I was telling people he tried to crack on to me? Pfft - what a load of bull... but you needed to make him so uncomfortable he could not face me, didn't you?  Poor man. Not to mention all the other accusations you made up about me. The so-called attacks, the things I allegedly said. You must know it was only you and your lies, always you. Or are you so delusional that your twisted crap has become your reality?

But people like you get found out. The bullshit flows and flows until it is a flood of fabrication totally beyond your control.  You get so caught up in your tangled web of manipulation, accusations and possessiveness you forget you could lose.You try childish ultimatums, thinking only of winning, and then fall in shock when it all blows apart in your face. And all untruths lose power once they are revealed. Unmasked.

I have to wonder what the people you spill your bile to think? Do they worry: "If she is saying this to me about them, what is she saying to them about me?" They should. Yet I know it took a long time before I did. Friends should never destroy others like this.

Didn't anyone ever tell you that you don't say such horrible things about people you supposedly care about? 

I wonder if Eeyore (whom you  so named) knows you tell people you don't really like her but inherited her? Does she know you mock and ignore her when she calls? As for telling my lovely, trustworthy, truthful friend that I had called one of your best friends a stalker... Hah - Eeyore, one of your best friends? You don't even like her! Someone you have no time for? Um yes, I did call her a stalker but she is not dangerous, merely sad. Oh, and don't you remember YOU were the one telling me of her obsession with me? The fact all she could talk about to her psych was me? Forget that bit, did you? Or were you so busy using her as a puppet to do your bidding of late that it slipped your mind? Hell, with you as a so-called friend, who needs enemies? Poor sad Eeyore.

Now though, now you gambled and tried to hurt so many others. But the thing about gambling is the risk of losing, and you now have. All gone - your house of cards built on untruths has finally toppled.  

But don't worry about us. You are not what is focused on. It is only when you attempt your nasty, childish games that you are mentioned. And even then my advice is to ignore the behaviour, just as you would a petulant child. Most days you are not even a fleeting thought.


As you said to a friend: "So that's it then?" Yes. It is. Bazinga. Done.

For those reading this, if you haven't read of the horror of this experience and the one about whom I am talking then go to:

• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here
• here

Apologies for the rant, but it needed to be told. Honestly, how disgusting to do this again and again and again.

Sometimes it is Hard to go Back...

We have had a lovely break, and are now on our return journey back to the mountain. We are sitting back at Tinonee, home of my heart, staying an extra night as Boy 1 is not well with a virus.

And now I come to the crux of this post. I do not want to go home. I do not want to return to the petty bitching nastiness I have faced since July last year. I do not want to have to deny lies, justify innocent comments, or explain myself and my family anymore. In all honesty, if I had a choice ( and I do not), I would move everyone back here. To this little town where my childhood friends are. To the place where people have known me for decades and KNOW ME. Where they are not swayed by utter crap, or conned by professional victims. Where liars are exposed, ridiculed and made to back off.

My children are excited to be on their way home. I am not.

*Sigh*. Back to the bullshit.

Letting Out The Inner Bitch

Hell, I know she comes out for exercise on a fairly regular basis but she screams so friggin loud if I don't. And to be honest she isn't too bad at the moment (not up to the regular cycle week of scariness here yet), and has retained the ability to laugh at the absurdity of it all.

Dribs and drabs of the small town madness are getting let loose, it seems. Full moon? No idea but I think not, more like victim mentality at its finest. An innocent comment, taken, twisted and transformed into a personal attack. Some people have way too little self-esteem and far too much of a persecution complex.

Arrgghhh - why is it some people take such pleasure in building their lives on this petty crap? What amuses me even further is the accusation I have been making digs at her online. I can only assume she means here, and sadly the only comments prior to this latest self-perpetuated drama of her imagination were the aforementioned soppy, where is my friend and what have I done pathetic posts. Friggit - go back and read you silly little girl, where in hell did I attack you? In fact in this whole dramatic process YOU have led the assault EVERY time. Oh, and I love the blaming my deleting you from facebook reason for the end of the friendship. I deleted you in January, the ice princess act started in September, I tried for  FIVE months to keep the friendship, and only deleted you when some of your alleged comments came back to me. As I could not ask you I had to believe, with the below zero freeze out, they were true. Oh, and you blocked me you stupid, stupid woman. I just culled you along with many for multitudes of reasons.

You know what? Most of us have far more pressing issues to address in our lives than to deal with your paranoia. Keep out of my life, stop making up these ridiculous stories (they really are doing you no good, in fact more people seem to be getting your number with each episode), and grow the fuck up.

Must admit, the more shit, the less I miss the so-called friendship and the greater the gratitude of being free of it all. What is even sadder is that a second close friend has now told me what a nasty, spiteful person I had morphed into with this friendship. What can you say when someone says : "Welcome back" and you weren't even aware your true self had vanished?

Ah, that's better. Rant over. Bitch back in her box.

Oh, and if anyone here wants to have some decency and come and ask about these chinese whispers please do. It is what real friends and grownups do. It's called communicating.

The Weak That Was...

Hell of a weak week, let me tell you.

Sunday I succumbed to a migraine. Not the doozy tommy-whacker ones of my past, but rather a distant cousin. Still extremely debilitating complete with fuzzy vision, nausea, boombox throbbing temple, but not quite the major league three to five day darkened room heavy drugs type I suffered in my twenties. I was up and functioning the next day, something I could not do even with the masses of painkillers I consumed back in them days. Dosed up but do-able I guess would be how I describe this one.

Now, the amount of wine consumed on a social Saturday night could well have contributed to this onslaught, but truthfully, it was not anymore than I do normally drink on a night out. Usually I am up and bouncing the next day with no repercussions. So why? Why now? Why this time?

Well, last week was an *ahem* unusual week to say the least. Some things re-surfaced which were unexpected, and the repercussions really caught me off guard.

Situation one came up when a friend asked me if it could possibly be me the drop-me-like-a-hot-potato former friend was referring to when telling people she was being targeted by a nasty mother at the school. I laughed. Seriously I did. "Come on, no way" was my immediate response. I haven't spoken to her in three months, couldn't be me she was referring to, just not possible. I mean, who dropped who? The only references to her even here have been silly, soppy, miss the friendship sort of stuff, surely that couldn't be perceived as an attack?

Well, you guessed it, another friend who she went crying to confirmed it.

Yeah, me apparently. Normally I would have been really upset by this unjustified accusation, but the fact that both of these people saw right through her little tactic straight away took away the sting.

Then a different person brought to my attention that the stalker had been back up to her old tricks. Luckily, even though it was only discovered by the friend now, it was way back in December when the computer illiterate obsessed one set up a Twitter account and then instead of searching for me in find people typed in my name as a comment. You have to laugh really, I mean how embarrassing, trying to stalk someone and there for all to see is your name and the victim's name in full proof of your obsession. Funny, but still creepy.

Situation three was an old stuff up rearing its ugly head. One I was guilty of. Mea culpa. I opened my big mouth in such an innappropriate situation many moons back. Nearly three years ago now. I still stand by my words, but my timing sucked, and to be honest it really was none of my business. As they say, the path to hell is paved with good intentions. I hurt and lost a good friend over my actions, no less than I deserved. Yes, I did apologise, but it seems anger and guilt have festered over the interim period and I have become the focus of this couple's hatred. So much so that a comment was written in a document pertaining to children's sport. It has done them no favours, sadly. I had no idea until asked (again, this week) what on earth it was all about. More to the point, people (and a lot of parents in this community have seen this written in the openly public book) are assuming the worst of the couple, and making incorrect judgements on the situation. I certainly have made sure the ones who have asked me know how wrong they are. But this is a small town and rumours and chinese whispers run rampant. To be honest, I am not only floored by the strength of their emotion but also by their stupidity in putting it out there. Surely if they are happy with their life they would not be overeacting to such a degree? I am relieved it has not really impacted us, but sad that it has certainly coloured others' perception of their situation. However I cannot change it, and just had to let it go. Again.

All in one week! Is it any wonder, no matter how much easier I found it to let the universe take care of it all this time, that I ended up with a brain short-fuse on Sunday?

Oh well, upwards and onwards my friends. Headache is still a dull throb at the base of my skull, but I'm sure it will feel better once they stop sticking the pins in!

Not Happy Jan!

I don't get it. I just don't get it! I know for some unknown mysterious reason I have hit the dumped list, I know YOU have issues with me, but for God's sake you must have the basic common sense to realise if you bitch about me to someone known to open their mouth, especially when alcohol is involved IT WILL GET BACK TO ME! We live in a small community, you must have known it would be repeated! I don't care when you said it, I have only just heard it and it hurts!

At least have the guts to come and talk to me face to face instead of slinking around whispering your poison. Do you know what friendship is, do you have any common decency or loyalty? I used to think so but now I truly doubt it.

Just keep out of my life if you hate me so much! Or maybe I will ditch my code of honour and tell a few of your so-called friends exactly what you said about them! Feel like I'm back in friggin' high school sometimes.

Rant over. Calm blue seas, calm blue seas...



A very, very  

Life, amusement and the general rolling on of just being...

Life rolls on. All has settled down in our world other than swine flu in the school, manicness in the co-ordinating of the school trivia night (whose smart idea was it to volunteer for that role?), and the general fast pace of life.

Someone said to me when all the drama hit (and the betrayal of someone you had considered a friend for 5 years does hit hard no matter how old you are), "You cannot control the actions of others." She did not mention anything about not being amused by those actions, however.

I am observing a situation which greatly tickles my funny bone. The former friend turned stalker is now cosying up to people she formerly loathed in the hope of winning some insane, all in her head, popularity competition. These are women she has ranted about, especially one who she has called a skank, a whore, and a slut based on witnessing a harmless flirting session many years back at her son's soccer training. She has also hates both their children, and calls them names I will not repeat.

I should be ashamed that I am finding this so hilarious. I should, at my age, be more mature about it. It is all so high school. But it has been made all the more interesting by her progressing to badmouthing others she still supposedly calls friends. I am not the only one she is targeting, now others are watching, shaking their heads as they realise what a little dog she really is. You have to laugh, it is so obvious, and her actions are truly funny. Wonder what these acquaintances would think if the MULTITUDE of people she has slandered these women to (and it is a lot of people) were to let out her true opinions?

I don't intend to, and I hope no-one else does. It would spoil the fun, and a good giggle is so healthy! I know I should feel pity for someone with such a screwed up mind, but surely laughter is better than anger. And I feel so free without this emotional cesspool in my life! Woohoo, bring on the show! Sorry, bit carried away for a minute there...