Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Fighting My Inner Self

 At what point do you let go of all morals and integrity, the essence of who you were, and scream ENOUGH! At what stage do you spill all the truths no matter who it hurts?

Some moments I am raging inside with the injustice of it all, others I just want to curl up and die. I know I have a few solid, good people on my side, but the fact that others still believe the drivel, well it floors me and I must admit quite a few people I thought I knew well have dropped in my esteem.

Nine months of constant manipulation and bullshit. Nine months of shadows and whispers. Nine months of dripping poison and vitrol. Too long, too hard, too much. A lot of the time I was okay, fine in fact. Even though aware of the crap it did not get to me. But like all toxic bullies they have a honed sense of when to strike, when you are weak due to outside pressures and forces, when it will be most effective.

Someone suggested in a comment that I spill all here, and at times I am truly tempted to do so. But somewhere deep inside me I know if I do I become like them. And they are both so ugly inside and out I would hate to be like them.

So I hover undecided, fight or flee. The ammunition I have is lethal, if I choose fight then a lot of innocent people will be hurt as the horrific things they accused others of are revealed. Because, like I once did, these people perceive these two as friends and would be destroyed if they knew the truth.

And then there is also the biggest bombshell of all. The one that would annihilate people's perceptions forever. The one secret that only few know about the one master puppeteer.



Lisa said...

Bugger it. Don't waste your time. Let Karma the Vengeful Elephant deal with it.

If you don't remember, find Karma here:

Epskee said...

Surely the threat of this massive secret being broadcast is enough to shut these bitches up?



You're not the same as them. You kept the confidence. This is affecting you SO much, and its affecting your kids. Tell these imbiciles if they dont shut up you will let it all out. It cant be worse than it is, and you have done the right thing by them in being quiet.

Warn them. If they don't stop, do the right thing by you and your boys and let fly.

This needs to stop. Give them a final chance, and don't feel guilty for THEIR choice.

Madmother said...

Only one bitch knows - it is her secret, she confided in me. She would not be imbecilic enough to tell the sock puppet, she knows SP is mentally ill and would blab.

Cate P said...

I'm 50/50 here....to walk away with your head held high and your mouth tightly closed or to stand your ground and let it all out.
Either way people are hurting/will be hurt, yes? Neither choice is right or wrong, just a matter of what you can live with, what helps you sleep at night and get through your days.
If it was me I'm afraid at the end of the tick, tick, tick there would be a BOOM.

Madmother said...

Epskee, I have spoken to Big Boy about your idea and we think you may have a point. Unfortunately it will be difficult to manoeuvre, but have a germ of an idea. At least I am not doing nothing whilst she carries on with her campaign.

And she can pull sock puppet into line too or else the deal is off.

Starting to feel less like drowning, more like kicking up to surface.

Madmother said...

It is also better than Wise Woman's idea to involve lawyers as it would be a very slow (and unsuccessful from a legal point of view) and expensive process. WW wanted to supoena all the witnesses just to make them tell the truth in a public court of law. It takes a lot to rile my 90 year old WW, but when it is her baby, watch out.

Fe said...

You will never receive what you need from this person.


They've crossed a line / closed a gate / moved on... to a place that only involves hating.

I think you know what you need to do... for YOU.

But do not expect ANYTHING from them.

Because they do not have it in them to give.

Madmother said...

I no longer want explanations, I want them to leave me alone. If I have to blast them out of my life then so be it.

Melissa said...

I hope they stop. I hope you don't have to resort to telling. Not because they don't deserve it. But because you don't. You don't deserve the way you will feel if you give in.

Thinking of you every day, Tanya.

Natacha said...

If this decision was up to me, I would say "don't do it". It is not worth lowering yourself to their level, the fact that you know is enough. This kind of thing will blow over, after a long time, I know, but it will. I am a strong believer in "what goes around comes around", I've seen it happen. Remain true to who you are, and you are not "them". If you want to read a really good book about remaining true to yourself (quick read) get "The Four Agreements" Don Miguel Ruiz. Excellent for the kind of thing you are going through... trust me...I'm a bloggy friend...;)

Kakka said...

I can only say listen to your heart. I fear that by dropping to their level, even to threaten to tell, may backfire, unless you absolutely know what the secret is, is true - some people lie about even the bad things just to get you sucked in. I would hate it to be a trap. Sorry maybe I should just bow out now. But know that whatever path you take you are my friend and I will support you. I just want you to feel better and maybe this is the only way. Hugs from Perth xxx

Walter Knight said...

The key to life is: only commit misdemeanors. Felonies are too much hassle.

Or, write a book, changing the names to protect the guilty and absolve all from civil liability.

Barefoot on the beach helps, too. Watch out for jellyfish. Peace.


Kim Thompson said...

Good God.

I have no idea what happened, but it sounds just awfully, awfully bad.

There seems to be a current trend--I the bloggers I love reading are getting hurt right and left and writing to tell about it. Unfortunately, I found myself in that camp recently to.

Why do people hurt each other so?

Mrs Midnite said...

I had a stalker spreading lies and making my life misrable. She is my boyfriends ex and the mother of his child so for the sake of him and his son I kept quiet. It was hard because I wanted to say so much, I also considered the legal route but again I worried about the effects on their son.

It was a really hard time but I just kept quiet and eventually she stopped. Recently she had a fight with her best friend and started attacking her. Suddenly people can see what she is like and some have even come close to apologising for beliving her. She is loosing her friends and looking stupid. Karma! Annoyingly I feel a bit sorry for her and don't understand why.

If it hadn't been for the child I would have acted differently but I would have felt guilty if something had caused him problems.

Try to do what is right for you! I hope that you can sort this out quickly it sounds like it is causing a loy of stress and pain.