Saturday, May 15, 2010

The Darkness.

I have been in the shadows before, but never like this. I have had those horrible black ideas fleetingly tempting me, but have not ever had to fight the craving for it all to stop so bad. I am not fighting for life, I am battling to defeat death. I am broken.

I don't get it. Why would someone hate so much that they would keep pushing, lying, pushing until you break? We were once friends, if I had been asked a year ago if I ever dreamt this would be possible I would have laughed and denied even the smallest possibility.

Right up until this week I have told mutual friends that I would willingly sit and talk this out, I have no idea why this all started, if you read back you will see that. Now I cannot. Not because I do not want to ask "Why?", but because I am barely holding the mask up. I cannot face the world, it is hard enough to face my family. I shake, oh God, I shake all the time. The tears have finally slowed enough for me to hide them some of the time.

I really don't understand. These last few months we have been fighting the hardest battles in our son's life, and we know this is the way it will be for years. Yes, years. At a time when my strength had ebbed to it's lowest point YOU choose to attack? Why? Why in hell would you do that to someone? Is it fear? Do I know too much about you? Are you scared people will know of the ugliness underneath? I have talked to some, that I do not deny, but it has been in bewilderment and I have not told any of your darkest confidences. Even this week, as I have hidden away from the world, I called no-one to show my desolation, did not let anyone in. Did NOT want anyone put in the middle. The only person told was not by me, it was by my very scared other, feeling so helpless as he watched me dissolve. Even then he did not tell all, only of the latest clash in front of my child. But I cannot fight shadows any further, and I no longer have the strength to face you. I am broken. You have won. Rejoice, feel proud you have taken me apart, laugh as you see the faces of my children who have watched what you reaped.


Kimmie said...

In the final analysis

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives: Be kind anyway. What you spend years creating others could destroy overnight: Create anyway. If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway. Give the best you have, and it may never be enough: Give your best anyway. In the final analysis, it is between you and God: it was never between you and them anyway."

~ Mother Teresa, a Saint.

Kakka said...

Hugs sweet lady. Hold on tight to those you love for they are what you live for. Find that inner strength I know you have, hey you used to roller derby you need inner strength for that. Fold the love around you like a cloak of armour, to deflect her hateful barbs and know that karma is a bitch - she will get hers soon enough. If that fails, give me her address I am sending the goons in. xxx

Madmother said...

At least I am posting. Earlier this week I could not. I wrote one but deleted it quickly. This blog IS my therapy so much of the time and the fact that I felt physically ill at the thought of writing... well, you get the idea. I still feel ill, but can contain it, the shaking, not so well.

But yesterday and today I have been able to mask the worst of me, Wed and Thurs I could not. I am hoping I do not go down again as talking to a friend last night I fell apart again. But at least I spoke to her, I could not have before. I could not even talk to those I love. I could not breath.

Melissa said...

I'm sorry. I'm glad you're able to get it out, even a little, on here. Here is a safe place for you. We're here, even if all we can do is listen.

Thea said...

I'm so sorry to hear you are in such a dark place. I wish I had just the right words to say. I wish I could give you a hug.
Blog it all out, this is safe place, we're all here for you. xxx

Lisa said...

Keep breathing, MM. It helps.

BTW, Kimmie, I like that Mother Teresa quote. I hate saccharine platitudes, and I'm definitely a confirmed atheist, but hey, Teresa was a gutsy old woman.

Wanderlust said...

MM, What can I say to ease your pain a bit, except that I'm sorry you are hurting and I wish I could wrap you in a blanket of comfort right now. How sad that there are people in this world that are so small and frightened that they feel the need to hurt other people like this. They gain nothing and lose the bearings of their souls.

Hang on. Lose the battle, win the war. Sending you hugs from across the miles.

Wendy aka Quillfeather said...

Sorry to hear. Hope things get better for you soon. Take care.

Epskee said...

I'm sorry I made you feel ill. Guess one shouldnt try to joke when feeling like... this.

As i "epic fail" at being a comfort, and at lightening the mood, I will say nothing.

Because the only thing to do here is let it - and this person - go. Which you know and arent ready for.


I will simply sit here and pass you a blue crayon.

Christie said...

Ouch. My heart goes out to you, I really like what Kristin said "lose the battle, win the war", this sounds like a battle that you can't win.
I love the Mother Theresa quote too, wise words. I hope they can get you through this time.
Thinking of you with positive and warm thoughts xx

Anonymous said...

hugs, sending you strength, good karma, a bit of luck and all my love and best wishes.

Natacha said...

Hang on to what you know is true... they do not define who you are... walk away from this one with your head held high ... the truth will come out in the wash eventually ... thinking of you...*hugs*

Jen said...

(((hugs))) MM. Bullies can smell weakness and strike nasty blows when their victim is at their lowest. But you are not their victim for that would give them ownership over you. You have relinquished the war, it doesn't mean that they will, but that gives you the upperhand. For if you acknowledge that there is nothing to fight for anymore then their attempts at hurting you will mean nothing. People will see MM that it is them, it is not you. Hold your head high, hug your boys (DH included) and let them be your anchors. I am so sorry that you are going through this. :(