I have been in the shadows before, but never like this. I have had those horrible black ideas fleetingly tempting me, but have not ever had to fight the craving for it all to stop so bad. I am not fighting for life, I am battling to defeat death. I am broken.
I don't get it. Why would someone hate so much that they would keep pushing, lying, pushing until you break? We were once friends, if I had been asked a year ago if I ever dreamt this would be possible I would have laughed and denied even the smallest possibility.
Right up until this week I have told mutual friends that I would willingly sit and talk this out, I have no idea why this all started, if you read back you will see that. Now I cannot. Not because I do not want to ask "Why?", but because I am barely holding the mask up. I cannot face the world, it is hard enough to face my family. I shake, oh God, I shake all the time. The tears have finally slowed enough for me to hide them some of the time.
I really don't understand. These last few months we have been fighting the hardest battles in our son's life, and we know this is the way it will be for years. Yes, years. At a time when my strength had ebbed to it's lowest point YOU choose to attack? Why? Why in hell would you do that to someone? Is it fear? Do I know too much about you? Are you scared people will know of the ugliness underneath? I have talked to some, that I do not deny, but it has been in bewilderment and I have not told any of your darkest confidences. Even this week, as I have hidden away from the world, I called no-one to show my desolation, did not let anyone in. Did NOT want anyone put in the middle. The only person told was not by me, it was by my very scared other, feeling so helpless as he watched me dissolve. Even then he did not tell all, only of the latest clash in front of my child. But I cannot fight shadows any further, and I no longer have the strength to face you. I am broken. You have won. Rejoice, feel proud you have taken me apart, laugh as you see the faces of my children who have watched what you reaped.
Day 2780 - Friday Motivation - *Keep going - you can do it! *
1 day ago