The Art of Friendship... Or How To Make a Friend in an Autistic World.

Friendship. Something a lot of us take for granted. Something we all want, but for those on the autism spectrum, something that seems, at times, impossible.
It seems this topic is a hot one this week.
One of my favourite blogs, the crack and the light, addressed it a little ago.

Autism and Empathy, only a few days later.

And then Parenthood had a massive reaction to their episode: Tough Love (not available in Oz yet).
More discussion on this episode, and a great article, here.

One of the diagnostic requirements to be assessed on the autism spectrum is (as per Autism Spectrum Australia) :
Impairment in social interaction
May include:

• Limited use and understanding of non-verbal communication such as eye gaze, facial expression and gesture
• Difficulties forming and sustaining friendships
• Lack of seeking to share enjoyment, interest and activities with other people
• Difficulties with social and emotional responsiveness

Friendship does not come easily in an autistic world. Social skill impairment and obsessive interests make it hard for the child to connect and make friends. Add in language difficulties and self-focus and *boom*,  you have a nearly impossible friendship cultivating experience.

And it is, as parents, our deepest desire, OUR obsession, our dream for these kids, for whom life is already far more challenging than your average joe, to have a friend.

We do not, like some, want the most popular. We do not yearn for the cool group acceptance. We just yearn for them not to go through life alone, lonely, isolated from peers.

It is why that episode of Parenthood has hit home for so many people.

A friend.

A lot of my regular followers may be sitting here going: "WTF? HER son has a friend! Her son has more than one!"

And they are right. We were lucky in a way, we were well on the trail of diagnosis when Boy 1 was very young. We also were blessed to be able to think outside the square of those days. We were given little guidance, and no information. One of the few things recommended to us by our paed was to foster one-on-one friendships. So we did.

To get to the bone, the advice I would offer to others today is this.

1. Encourage friendships outside of group settings. Arrange playdates (for the young) or social excursions (for the older) ONE_ON_ONE.
2. Be open to parents of other children. You may be surprised at how supportive they may be of a friendship. Fear comes from ignorance, we chose to be loud and proud, open and informative, all questions welcome and answered.
3. When a connection/friendship is made, enforce "friend" free days at school. The very intenseness of these friendships (and let's face it, our wonderful spectrum kids are VERY intense) can be what burns it out. The pressure on the other child, hell, on both of them, can be massive! We instigated this at least once every few weeks. This was more in the younger years, as they get older they manage it themselves if given the skills to see and acknowledge the need for personal space. Make sure you also explain to teachers and parents why you instigate these. We always found they not only understood, they appreciated these actions. And to watch the two run to each other the day after, pure joy. (I always found it refreshed and strengthened the bond in our case).
4. Teach social skills. This is a big one. We actively, in every situation, explained to our son what the expected/accepted social norms were. Still do today at 14. Most of them he has retained (but they need to be reinforced - apparently, a lot of children with ASD regress in behaviour during teenage years. This is not only due to hormones, puberty and typical teenage angst... it is also because we, as parents, go "Phew, he's got those ones, now we can breathe!" Uh-uh. It is  proven that kids on the spectrum do not keep learned behaviours until their EARLY 20's! Yikes! But yeah - keep on drilling 'em in), some of them he is still working on getting. Small talk is a big one he struggles with ("What? You don't want to know all the details of string theory?").
5. Do not be disheartened if at first you don't succeed. It is hard to find another they click with. This goes for ALL kids, on the spectrum or off. It is just a little more limited a pool for those on the spectrum.
6. Realise that kids are accepting. If you work on them understanding when young, the odds are they will still understand when older. Boy 1 has many peers who, whilst not friends, are not enemies either.
7. Breathe. And do not cast your social expectations and beliefs onto your child. Hard, I know. But important. It is their journey, not ours, and all we can do is cheer from the sidelines no matter what or with whom they are playing.

As I write this Boy 1 is at a sleepover at one of his best mate's houses. HE is finding High School hard. He has had this friend by his side since Grade 3, to laugh with and relax during break times. To support and be supported. Now they are at different schools, and whilst Boy 1 likes his new school, it is the social side that is suffering. I see it in the tenseness of his body as he treads carefully through the school week.

But the nice thing is that his mate feels somewhat the same. The last two weekends these friends have been together. This friendship, like his other mate C, is strong enough to survive the different schools. But it is hard for both of them right now, finding their feet. And I think they appreciate each other that much more.

S, Boy 1, C, Boy 2 - January 2012

We know we cannot force him to make new friends. At this teenage stage, we can only guide carefully, and support him. It is harder to meet new people and make new friends when older. And we have to allow him to take his own path. In his own words (as we gently push him to unfold those beautiful dragonfly wings once more), "I am taking things from a more observational perspective for a while." Fair call. For now.

Happy New Year - Welcome 2012... Are you the last?

Yeah, Happy New Year, yadda, yadda... No really, I do mean it, and yes, I know I am a day late. But let's face it, my blogging has become terribly intermittent nowadays. I just don't feel the constant craving to write as I once did.

The funeral was beautiful, poignant, painful and terribly sad. Watching a four year old and an eight (she turned nine the day after the funeral) year old bury their Mum is just not right. Watching Lisa's mum bury her daughter is just not right.

Lisa 1991

Hearing the wonderful eulogies and seeing the hundreds (yes hundreds) of people that loved her was uplifting... and just not right.

I hear her voice in my head. It is as if I keep rethinking recent conversations then I will not forget what she sounded like.

I certainly was NOT in the mood for the celebrations of New Year's Eve... but as it was at our home I really had no choice in the matter. Fifteen adults and nineteen kids... plus us.

I arrived home late Friday, awoke at 3am Saturday, was exhausted by 6pm... when everybody was due to arrive!

Thought I'd be in bed well before midnight, leaving the revellers in the capable hands of Big Boy.

1/1/12 - 4.30am sunrise over the mountain.

I was the last man standing at 5am. Sober? Yes, but not for lack of trying (thank you Pip for that glorious concoction). And certainly by 3am the solo sober stayer. Everyone else was beyond merry, and we had a group decide at 4am to make use of our couches for the night. Wise decision. And lovely to wake up to the smiling (and groaning) faces of friends on the first day of the year.

Where are the photos? Well, it was such a fantastic night NO-ONE thought to take the time from the partying to take any! A rare occasion, believe me, for this group are the happiest snappers of all. It just goes to show how wonderful a night it was.

So, Happy 2012 one and all. Do you think the Mayan's are right - or even that it has been interpreted the right way? Is this the last NYE we will see?

Well, if it is the last it was a good one! How 'bout yours?

How Do You Say Goodbye?

 My mobile rang this morning. Not that early, but still earlyish for Boxing Day. Undecided whether to answer it I glanced at the name and pushed the answer button with a "Helloooo gorgeous!"

I expected it to be my friend of twenty-three years, instead it was her husband. "I'm sorry mate, I have some bad news. She's gone."

She's gone.

My friend, my mate, my loyal, wonderful, kind, generous, loving friend. Gone.

Now I need to sit and write once more for her. Not the speech for her wedding, not the one for her first divorce. The one for her funeral. The last of 1001 nights tales is going to be one of truth and love. I am going to bring her into our hearts, not that she ever left. And I will try not to cry. For her. I will laugh and rejoice in her life, and keep my sadness far away.

Lisa 1996

Because there will be two little girls sitting in that church, watching, trusting, hurting. Needing to see and feel their Mum through my words.

I love you Lise, I will miss you every day of my life.

Wordless Wednesday

Copyright 2011 Madmother

Weekend Grateful: Boys, LAN Parties and Friends

In case you are wondering I live in a house of geeks. Otherwise known as nerds, or maybe comparable to living in a younger household of Big Bang Theoreticists.

Last night, at our house, we had nine boys with laptops for the second monthly L.A.N. Minecraft party. It was meant to be twelve but a few had last minutes disasters which prevented them attending. So, not only did I have a T.A.R.D.I.S. and the fourth doctor in scarecrow form out front of our long driveway, but also a house full of boys madly sitting building a server world. Local Area Network party. Seriously hilarious.

Geeks I tell ya! GEEKS!

But gorgeous ones, every single one of them.

So very grateful for friends, for all of us.

Funny, I thought it would be a few more years before this...

Fish 'n Chip Fridays

Sometimes all you need is friends. Last night a casual catch up was planned with some friends. Big Boy was away in the land of dark skies, Boy 1 had invited one of his besties for a sleepover, Boy 2 is great mates with the younger son of three of my friend who were all dropping over for a while.

Me, being the great culinary expert of the area, had previously decided to go the easy route and order a mass of seafood from the local fish and chip shop.

School pick up... Boy 2 asks if another mate can come for a sleepover if his Dad says yes. Cool. The more the merrier.

Other friends land in around 5ish, the healer of the Mount (my wonderful friend) mentions another gorgeous girl had rung and wanted to catch up. We then spent an hilarious hour or so trying to track her down as she ferried kids to blue-light discos and the such (cannot wait until she hears those messages).

By the time the fish and chips and other bits and bobs were on the table, there were EIGHT boys ranging from little to oh my God how did you grow so towering tall all of a sudden high. And three laughing Mummas.

Having good friends around is the best medicine and heals so much of the angst. This has been a hard week. To have time with these two beautiful inside and out ladies was exactly the remedy needed.

Sometimes it is the unexpected get togethers that are the best!

Weekend Grateful: No Time To Blog.

Bit scary, and lucky I noticed, for the typo in my title said "No time to BOG"... Whoops! That could have been a whole different post, and *TMI* really, with the fast pace of life, quite apt.

My blogging has dropped off. Probably somewhat influenced by the Blogger issues, but these are not totally responsible. Nope, this thing called FUN is at fault.

Ah, it is hard to be the mountain socialite!

Great week - very grateful for this lack of time!

My gorgeous friend Lisa - great night last night!

Sharon and me - Melbourne trip.

I Just had THE Best Morning!

Don't you love it when you meet someone for the first time in a crossover from blog world to real life and you just click?

I do, we did, and I had

THE BEST MORNING EVER!

*Sigh* - just so sorry the time flew by so very, very fast. And I know Leanne was very grateful not to be sold to the white slave traders. Thanks for a wonderful catch up my friend, so very glad to be able to call you such.

Photo stolen from DFF. 'Cause it's me and her so I can. And yes, this is our view from our house.

Pssst - And remember us plebs when you are a rich and famous author, m'kay?

Blog Friends

Just had to jump on and say:

I just had the best day!

Finally managed to meet the lovely Jen from Jemikaan (and her gorgeous tribe - man, those two have three beautiful children). Sorry, no photos - I was too busy chatting and catching up. Pretty sad seeing as I even remembered to grab my Picsio prize camera (well, it is shock and waterproof after all).

But we were too busy talking, supervising kids, playing with kids, leading kids astray with bad adult behaviour... Okay, so that was mainly me.

But it was so good to meet her, and I must admit I felt like we'd known each other in person for years. Goes to show you yet again how well you get to know someone over the mighty web. As Big Boy said on the way home:

I seem to know the nicest cyber people!

Sitting here now, looking like a drowned rat but can't stop smiling...

Tonight I am Grateful for:

My son. My second son. The one who was meant to be my easy child (what a terrible burden to subconciously place on a child, I know). Tonight we had a reminder of how fragile he still is at times. I am grateful he was with me. Boy 1 and his father are at the school buddy sleepover. Boy 2 and I were having a well-deserved one on one evening. We should have stayed home. But we didn't. I am so truly grateful he talks to me, opens his heart, puts his life into words. More than that, I am grateful every day to have such a complicated, beautiful, living, breathing blessing in my life.

He was in such a dark place for months last year, I often wondered if we would lose him. Tonight I was taken back to that bleak time, as he was. Anther child at a social function repeatedly called him an idiot. Once upon a time that would not have worried him. After all kids will be kids. But what broke him down was the realisation that these were phrases he once used to a friend, his best friend. In his time of despair he lashed out, driving away those who cared. Logically he knew he had done this but tonight obviously hit home how it ACTUALLY feels to be on the receiving end. How much those words as weapons had injured his friend, and the relationship.

He broke. His words to me were: "He is right, that boy is right, I must be an idiot to have hurt my friend like that." Big revelation to an emotionally frail young man.

And so I AM grateful. Grateful he can see how words hurt, grateful he understands emotions at eleven years of age, grateful he is here.

We left the party, have come home and are about to watch a warped comedy. Together. I will leave you with his words:


"I love tears Mum, they let me know I am still a human." And for that I am very grateful.

Well, This Certainly Was an Unusual One!

What a mixed weekend! Bit like the girl with the curl... You know the one:

There was a little girl,

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,

She was very, very good

But when she was bad,

She was HORRID!

The good bits were incredible:

Friday night birthday dinner for a lovely new friend (and with some old ones). Great food, great company, lots of laughter (and yes Rose, I was a wild one in my youth now I think about it). It was especially good because up until about 2 hours prior to the reservation I did not think I could swing it. But thanks to my wonderful Big Boy, and two very well behaved little-ish boys (+ their two really cool mates), make it I did! Excellent night!

Saturday Nuffnang Bloggers meet. Well, what can one say about perfection? Seriously wonderful day, company unsurpassed, fantastic to meet bloggers I have only gotten to know on the web, and great to make some new discoveries to follow. Must admit the highlight (besides meeting the glorious Melissa in all her flamboyant glory) was enjoying the company of a young man named Tornado. He won my heart with very little effort.

The pictures tell the story (none of my little friend - I'll leave that to his Mum), and I've not added all as many who attended will add their's...

Kookaburra Cafe, Paddington 12.3.2011

Me 'n Melissa (Suger Coat It)

No wine involved, but the vaseline on the lens helped!

Here's trouble! Tracy (Our Life in Blog Form), cjtato (Not Tonight Dear) and Madmother.

And on Sunday we again headed off to the big smoke for a visit to the Qld Museum at Southbank. It was a good day until one experience soured it a little, but more on that in the BAD. Which has a good side too.

Which I may as well jump into now...

Friday started the negative. Harsh written words finally drove me away from a parenting website I have been a member of for five years. It is a place that has saved my sanity more than once, and where I have made some wonderful cyber and irl friends. I won't rehash too much, see my previous posts and you'll get the jist.

Saturday was good, with a little residual regret about the loss, and some major LOUDNESS at the lunch (yes, by me - I am loud but do tend to get more so when nervous).

Sunday. Well Sunday was the day of holy crap! Before we left I had an incident with a stray kitten. The little thing was out in the rain in our rainforest, I managed to coax the timid scrap to me, Big Boy went back inside to get food and a cat cage. Cat saw either Big Boy or cage as extremely distressing and so renovated my hands and wrists with a fair amount of savagery. More upsetting was the fact this little thing took off like a rocket and is still out there alone in the rain.

So we are late heading off. Go to Museum. When boys and father wander downstairs to interactive science section (where we have been many times before) I decide to hit the markets and join up with them later.

Spend my time giggling away at a badges stall, bought many for my boys (and one for me: Don't drink Drive, it is a laundry detergent), headed back to meet my men.

Walk up, Boy 1 looking distressed. Quickly becomes clear why.

They were going to call and meet me after indulging their geek side. Phone rings, am 5 metres from them go to meet up.  This is what I was then told.

Coming down lift after going across overpass to bypass traffic, 2 young asian girls were in lift with them. Doors open, they all get out. Guy (and 2 others) in beaten up old flatback ute screeches over up kerb, driver jumps out stoned out of his gourd, grabs one of the girls starts screaming "What the fuck were you looking at" with lots of racist terms. Big Boy immediately yells "Let her go. Leave her alone." Guy lets go of girl, grabs Big Boy by the shirt starts screaming "I'm going to fucking bash your head, you are dead c*nt". By this time Boy 2 has run off to hide behind building, Boy 1 is telling the guy to let go of his father, Big Boy is telling the guy to let him go or else he won't be responsible for his actions, security guard comes around corner as guy runs off, thumps another car bashing it in as he passes, jumps back in driver side, screeches off. The girl had run off as soon as he let her go. Police were rung but security guard only saw guy run off, we decided not to go any further.
But my darling oldest boy kept his head and got the number plate and make of car! God I love that boy, told him (as he sobbed in my arms - he held it together until he saw Mum), he is just like his Mum, keeps it together when the crisis is happening, falls apart afterwards.
You can imagine how both my children feel, though I told them their Dad is a hero so they should be proud. Boy 1 is now asleep in my bed after a nightmare at 4am (which is why I am awake).

What a day.

But the good did outweigh the bad.

Can't say my life is boring!

Sunday Sessions - Old Friends

This is a blog hop with Thea. Read her rules and link up on her blog.

I have had a wonderful weekend. Yesterday was spent with some old friends from my Uni days, and their children who I last saw as babies. The great thing was the instant rapport that leapt into being between my Boy 1 and their Boy 1, my Boy 2 and their Boy 2. Laughter rang from our table at both ends, young and old. A friendship hopefully to last as ours has, over miles, years and differing paths.

To celebrate I give you this one:



See the big bloke who features in this? Yep, that's one of my dear friends who was here. And yes, he is absolutely lovely. One of the most endearing people I have ever had the chance to meet. Then again, he is married to one of the most gorgeous women on this planet (who I happpened to go to Uni with many moons ago). Yes, I haz famous friends!

And then today some other friends from my childhood (who we only saw a week ago on our hols, but loved seeing them here again) unexpectedly came to visit. They rang last night whilst the others were here and we leapt at the chance to have them come up. Another day of laughter, fun, frivolity and friendship. Great weekend.

This one is for them - an old favourite.




You are a balm to my wounded soul - all of you. Loved it, really loved it!

Inner Peace.

A dear, dear friend of mine sent this to me today. I am posting it in the hope it may bring some inner calm to you.

Subject: Finishing Things

I sincerely hope this will be of some use to you. I am passing this on because it definitely worked for me today, and with what is happening, we all could probably use more calm in our lives. A doctor on tv this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. Such a true declaration and one we know deep down but usually ignore. It hit home for me today with the chaos in my life and the world around me in turmoil.



So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished. I am determined to follow through and am updating this as I go, ticking each thing off my list.

Here goes...

I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot,
a bottle of Chardonnay,
a bodle of Baileys,
a butle of wum,
a pockage of Prungles,
tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminun scriptins,
the res of the chesescke
an a box a chocletz.

Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Plaese sned dhis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov iennr pisss. An telum,u blody luvum.!! Xxx

A Reminder of What True Friendship Is All About...

Some time ago (in January), I posted about the very special friendship my oldest shares with his best mate of nearly a decade. It was in response to a writers' workshop challenge, and the brief was as follows:

1. Write something to say thank you to someone who has made a difference to your life...

(yes, this is a link to the post)

 

This weekend has once again reminded me of how truly blessed we are to be witnesses to this amazing relationship.

It was Boy 2's eleventh birthday last Friday. In keeping with our usual standards it was bigger than Ben Hur. Well, actually it was smaller than other years, and I had requested it to be lower key but somewhere my interpretation and Boy 2's became very different. Roll around last Friday afternoon, six extra boys invade arrive at our home for Nerf Wars. You may well ask, "What, pray tell, are Nerf Wars?" Nerf Wars are the result of my Machiavellian younger child devising a strategy game with two opposing teams, red and blue, four boys on each. A nerf gun is presented as their party gift on arrival (love toy sales - these cost less than the usual offering of lollies, stickers and novelties), as is a t-shirt in the team colour. Two massive timber bases have been constructed on our almost 3 acres of heaven, masses of foam bullets bought, turret and large guns in place at each base, Boy 2 designed logo with team name installed on each courtesy of laminated print outs (gotta love publisher); rules outlined, all systems go, go, go!

At least that was the theory until the rain Gods decided Friday was to be cold, damp and dangerously slippery...

This meant we had seven boys running screaming, yelling and shooting INSIDE, and one boy having trouble with sensory overload. Boy 1 pushed himself well outside his comfort zone, joining in the last minute training and target practice set up by Big Boy, but struggled to keep his demons under control in the bedlam. His best mate stayed by his side, running interference when necessary, helping Boy 1 to enjoy the games instead of merely coping with the games. It was a sleep over, and with the promise of a clear Saturday all were happy in the knowledge that morning would bring the true game. However, chaos ruled the night.

Boy 1's mate C is a popular kid. All others wanted to be near him, clamoured for him to join them in their late night mayhem. But C is a child of loyalty and strength. He does not bow to peer pressure or demands. He knows his friend well, and realised Boy 1 needed quiet time. So whilst six boys sat in one room loudly interacting whilst watching Clash of the Titans, C and his friend sat in the other, watching The Spiderwick Chronicles. When six manic boys bunked down in the spare room, C and his best mate withdrew to Boy 1's bedroom to read, talk and get some sleep. C politely declined the loud catcalls for him, he rebuffed the physical attempts to drag him into the other area, and told them in no uncertain terms he was staying put. With his mate.

Thanks to his actions, it was a very relaxed Boy 1 joining in the revelry the next morning. Eight boys running, shooting foam bullets, yelling, weaving, ducking, screaming. You would have been hard pressed to pick the one with autism. But you wouldn't have had trouble picking the two best mates. They stood, back to back defeating all unrelenting attacks. Just as they always have.

Nerf Wars rule!

Do I Dare? Huh, Do I, Do I?

Yeah, I do.


Complete with wig:

By night's end, post-wig hair...

Ah, Bollywood on the Gold Coast... And yes, I am still recovering! But worth it - fantastic night out with wonderful friends. Goat curry, anyone?

Sometimes it is Hard to go Back...

We have had a lovely break, and are now on our return journey back to the mountain. We are sitting back at Tinonee, home of my heart, staying an extra night as Boy 1 is not well with a virus.

And now I come to the crux of this post. I do not want to go home. I do not want to return to the petty bitching nastiness I have faced since July last year. I do not want to have to deny lies, justify innocent comments, or explain myself and my family anymore. In all honesty, if I had a choice ( and I do not), I would move everyone back here. To this little town where my childhood friends are. To the place where people have known me for decades and KNOW ME. Where they are not swayed by utter crap, or conned by professional victims. Where liars are exposed, ridiculed and made to back off.

My children are excited to be on their way home. I am not.

*Sigh*. Back to the bullshit.

Ah, Home.

You can never go back, they say. But I would disagree with them. I have now lived in three other places and travelled the world twice, but I still call the small country town of my childhood home.

I am here for only a few nights, yet already the worries of the world and the weight of tension have left me. Aaah, home.

I love this place.

We ate takeaway, drank wine and played Trivial Pursuit with old friends last night.

Manning Point, NSW

We went fishing and watched the sunset in the briskness of a winter afternoon (we caught ten very small fish: eight brim, two puffer fish, much to the excitement of all) today.

*Sigh*. Life is full of simple pleasures in the land of my childhood. I lived here for the first eighteen years of my life, and have always come home frequently. It is my life source, and all ills heal if I return. My power charger, the battery that keeps my spirit intact.

If you want to see more of the little cottage where we are staying, go here.

And tomorrow we leave. We head to Sydney via a Newcastle luncheon, and more reunions with good friends. I will probably enjoy Sydney, it was home for the second part of my life: University, career, partying. The second eighteen years. But that is another story, and in all liklihood, another post this week.