I think I may be heading on back in...

Hello! How are you? Remember me? I used to be that woman who blogged and blabbed and babbled frequently. And I think... maybe I'm coming back.

Just recently I have begun to miss having my safe place, my haven of words. When I lost my mother three years ago (hell - is it really THREE years?) I also lost a lot of my voice. Words that flowed easily seemed clogged behind the huge lump of unspoken grief. My blog became somewhere the memories of Wise Woman jumped out at me, confronting and brash, a place where pain awaited whenever I ventured in. And so I rarely did. I have posted blog entries THREE times prior to this one in 2013. THREE. And this from a woman who wrote almost daily for years.

A lot has happened. I turned 50 last week. My sons are young adults, my husband is slowing down, the wheels of the world continue to grind on, turning, churning constantly.

Facebook has been an outlet to some degree. Sometimes I write pieces more suited to here and yet post them there. It is not faceless, and I must admit the need to be politically correct and play nice has me grinding my teeth at times. And the unspoken words I bite back almost choke me. The double standards and the two-faced nature of some make me want to scream "Charlatan! Do you not think I remember the heinous words you spewed forth about him/her/them and now you are kissing his/her/their feet with your false traitorous lips?"

Yeah, I really need to come back. Before my black and white stark sense of honour gets me in real trouble.

So, how are you all?

Hello?

Anybody out there?

Tonight I am Grateful for:

My son. My second son. The one who was meant to be my easy child (what a terrible burden to subconciously place on a child, I know). Tonight we had a reminder of how fragile he still is at times. I am grateful he was with me. Boy 1 and his father are at the school buddy sleepover. Boy 2 and I were having a well-deserved one on one evening. We should have stayed home. But we didn't. I am so truly grateful he talks to me, opens his heart, puts his life into words. More than that, I am grateful every day to have such a complicated, beautiful, living, breathing blessing in my life.

He was in such a dark place for months last year, I often wondered if we would lose him. Tonight I was taken back to that bleak time, as he was. Anther child at a social function repeatedly called him an idiot. Once upon a time that would not have worried him. After all kids will be kids. But what broke him down was the realisation that these were phrases he once used to a friend, his best friend. In his time of despair he lashed out, driving away those who cared. Logically he knew he had done this but tonight obviously hit home how it ACTUALLY feels to be on the receiving end. How much those words as weapons had injured his friend, and the relationship.

He broke. His words to me were: "He is right, that boy is right, I must be an idiot to have hurt my friend like that." Big revelation to an emotionally frail young man.

And so I AM grateful. Grateful he can see how words hurt, grateful he understands emotions at eleven years of age, grateful he is here.

We left the party, have come home and are about to watch a warped comedy. Together. I will leave you with his words:


"I love tears Mum, they let me know I am still a human." And for that I am very grateful.

Okay, okay - I Did It!

Thanks for all the useful advice in regards to my dilemma. Well, I did it. She parked in front of me at school this afternoon so I hitched up my big girl britches, took a deep breath, walked up and tapped on her car window. She probably thought I was coming to rant over something, it would be a bit odd to find a Mum you don't really know tapping on the glass.

But I did it. I 'fessed up, told her I'd spotted her blog, thought she was pretty damn spiffy, and wasn't some sort of stalker nutter. And told her of the blogs we have in common, and my blog identity.

Hope I haven't spun her out too much...


And no, I won't add a link. It is up to her if she wishes to reveal who she is.