Closed Mind, Closed Heart - Open Mind, Open Heart... My Weekend Grateful.

A minute ago I read a status from a friend on facebook. Now this lady is a very devout Christian, and was making a comment about how upon meeting the local transference healer and saying "Hello", the other person's eyes rolled back in their heads. Following on was lots of happy clapper comments on demons and the spirit of Jesus and the power of God. Judgement.

I did not expect to feel as angry and disappointed in the whole thing as I did.

Closed mind, closed heart.

I was brought up by Wise Woman who was, as she termed herself, a happy clapper. A born-again Christian strong in her beliefs, devout in her devotions, true in her worship. I attended many conferences and meetings (through choice, Mum would say "I am going to this, you want to come?" and sometimes I would, sometimes I wouldn't), many lectures and church services.

Some of them were fantastic, inspiring, wonderfully full of passion... some we sat at the back and watched the obvious charlaton lay hands on people. And as they fell backwards, she and I would giggle and whisper "Damn, he's pushed ANOTHER one over!"

But never, and I mean NEVER did I feel judged for my lack of faith or choices in these places.

And this is what I find hard. My mother was a true Christian. A woman, kind of heart, open of mind. She never lectured, preached or even discussed much of her beliefs with others; and yet she was much loved by so many. I can remember her floating in to my house after one such conference, this one about the healing ministry. A group of my Uni friends were gathered in my lounge room. Mum came in, sat, chatted for a few moments then walked out. My friends all were in awe of how she glowed with some indefinable spirit, shone with joy. They asked me, where had she been to come back so very obviously uplifted? I told them. The jaws dropped - floored by the fact she never preached, lectured nor judged any of them. The term "a true Christian" was muttered under many breaths that day. I sat and smiled. That was exactly what my mother was. The local Jehovah Witnesses loved to drop by her home even though their beliefs differed. They enjoyed nothing more than listening and debating details, revelling in her articulated knowledge.  Oh, the arguments they all delighted in, sitting on a sunny day on Wise Woman's verandah. Their hearts broke a little on the day we lost her.

I guess it is no surprise that for me Christianity is about understanding there is so much more in the universe than what we know, being open to ideas, to debate, to learning. THIS is how I was brought up. Not this close-minded "Get thee behind me Satan" bullshit.

As my mother approached the end of her life, she watched on in joy the growth of her oldest grandson. Boy 1 is a very devout Christian, unlike his parents. He also believes in the power of nature. He is an open vessel, he reads runes, practises crystal healing, has an ongoing interest in transference healing, chakras and reiki. His love of God and Jesus is unshakeable, deep, strong.

One religion teacher at the primary school made the mistake of asking who knew about a particular quote from the bible... An hour later he walked out shaking his head muttering to Boy 1's aide... "That child is incredible! He knows and understands more about the Bible and God's work than I do." Grade 4.

Open mind, open heart.

This, for me, is the true definition of Christianity. A love so pure and generous that it does not close the door on the other powers in life. Being a Christian is not about judgement or preaching, it is about belief, strength and love.

I know I will offend some with this post, but to be honest I feel so strongly about this that it was not a choice, it was a compulsion.

It is how my mother brought me up, and how my son expects me to be.

Open mind, open heart.

And I thank God that he gave me two such wonderful human beings to be in my life. And for that, and so much more, I am truly grateful.

Uberkate - How You Warm My Heart.

I wear a gorgeous pendant around my neck, the silver pendant swinging to and fro across my chest.

People comment all the time, reach forth, grab, feel, gasp at the weight and the beauty of it.

They read the inscription - one word - Madmother. And every time they ask me about it I tell them, this is my link to one of my cyber friends. This beautiful piece was a gift from the universe made possible by my wonderful friend Kristin, otherwise known as Wanderlust.

And each time I place this around my neck, I think of her and send her a telepathic message across the miles... "How are ya doin' today, my friend?"

I don't know if she hears it, but I hope in her heart she feels another someone added to the list of people who send good thoughts.

Thanks again K, I love it and wear it often... and always think of you when I do.

This is my weekend grateful - the last at Maxabella, another who warms this icy, stone heart of

My Weekend Ungrateful...

Do you remember the days when you were young and you were the last one sitting, waiting to be picked? Be it sport, or debating, fun or competition, how many of you can still recall that horrific hard, solid lump of sadness in the pit of your stomach as the last to pick goes "I guess you are on our team then..."

Frday my heart broke a little. Friday I had to let go of a another slice of my preconceptions. Friday I watched my son in that very position at a school excursion.

I am struggling to think of the greatness of this week as those horrible memories flood back over and over again. I need to remember they are MY scars, not his, and hope that times like this are not forming their own deep within my wonderful son.

For whilst his buddies ran around the theme park, having fun, laughing, for the most of it my son remained with me. Forgotten by his peers.

If his best mate C had been there, this would never have happened. But he does not go to this school.

My child's achievements are incredible. His last report card of Grade 7 was flooded with A's in achievement and behaviour, the comments were wonderful, positive, even a little awe flowed through the words.

His book is looking more and more like it WILL be published - he is 13... who manages to get a book published at 13???

He is happy, settled in his own skin, content to be him... because to be him is pretty awesome!

I need to realise that this pain and anger and frustration is my own, born of my emotions and feelings. Hell, I do realise it BUT it is so damn hard not to let it flow onto his situation.

I need to remember my ending... the fact that those kids in primary school who always picked me last were the very ones who clamoured for me to be their first choice in high school as both my athletic and academic abilities soared.

I need to listen to my son, who when asked if he felt left out or lonely replied "Why would I Mum? I love being with you, we laugh so much and have such fun."

My scars, not his. I love you Boy 1, and really am trying to let your generousity of spirit flow into my essence... but whilst it is still slowly permeating I will  hide my tears.

This is my weekend really wish I was grateful.

Sorry.

Weekend Grateful: Are we, yes?

To be honest I was tempted to link up my FYBF post from Friday, as in reality it sums up one of my big reasons to be grateful one, two, three.

But then in fear of the wrath of Maxabella, and knowing there is more to it, I decided to post a separate Weekend Grateful.

I have much to be grateful for in my life, and the more I look around at what others face, the more I realise just how much. Think I'll take a leaf out of Ms Maxi's book and make a list for you all to sit and go "Awwwwww" at, m'kay?



Melbourne Cup 2011

1. I have a wonderful husband, Big Boy. Many around us are going through hard times in their relationships for many reasons, many a night we sit on our lounge and ponder. I guess one of the main things we talk about is how very lucky we are to have each other and to agree on so much. Don't get me wrong, we are not perfect and we argue, and there are times I want to bury him in the lime pit under the avocado tree... oh, did I say that out loud? Whoops. Okay, we are human but when it comes to the big stuff we are two peas in a pod.  You can vomit now. 



Madmother house 2011

2. We live in a beautiful part of the world, in a lovely home, hidden away from the world at large. And we are lucky enough to own our property in these times of financial hardship. Alright, the bank shares in owning it but you get what I mean.

Boys Sept 2011

3. Kids. Our kids. What can I say? They are intelligent, handsome, quirky, unique, frustrating, boundary-pushing, wonderful boys. We have the most amazing conversations, and when I say they make my brain hurt I am not kidding! Surely I didn't do this to my parents? I didn't query the world and question the big things? Did I? Oh. That's right. I did. Payback is a bitch.

Me and one of my besties 2011

4. Our friends. So very, very many incredible, loyal, fun, special people in our life. In fact, so many that we never seem to have enough time to be with them! And the circle is growing and growing as we get to know their friends and the friends of friends!

Party time

Home - right here, right now!

5. Life opportunities. One door closes, another opens. Life is change and change is good. Most of the time. Says a woman who hates change. Meh.

I could keep going but I'm not going to. Instead I am going to go cook bacon and eggs for my three fantastic boys, after which we are tackling the Dr Who Board game before going outside to garden and have some fun.

Toodles!

What are you Grateful for? Go, join in the fun... it is good to sit and look at the good in your life sometimes.

Weekend Grateful: Special Occasions and Bling!

Yadda, yadda, it is time for Weekend Grateful!

Melbourne Cup lunch 2011 - Madmother & Big Boy

WHAT a WEEK! Tuesday Melbourne Cup. Thursday my birthday. Manic weekend coming up and my head is exploding from looking at children's illustrator sites!

Whose bloody thirteen year old writes a kid's book and needs an illustrator anyway? Hmm? Okay, so mine does. Crap.

Bloody kids.

Bloody amazing kids.

But back to the topic at hand... This week, as mentioned, was my birthday. And Melbourne Cup. Not on the same day, but as we are on the home run to the shop closing we could only have one day together and I chose to celebrate on the Tuesday as it was close enough.

Beauty & The Beasts

Thirteen of us trooped off to a local restaurant. Three course meal, fashion show, prizes of which our group won many, lots of laughter and fun and just an all round wonderful time!

Two gorgeous girls - and they are as LOUD as me!

It was the BEST Melbourne Cup day I have ever had the privilege to enjoy!

Recognise the hot one in the middle?

And then on my BIRTHDAY I was very spoilt (even though we had to work). We had a family dinner at a wonderful local restaurant - though the one we intended to go to was closed, and of course Big Boy, keeping to his record, had NOT rung to check. We were just lucky the other choice was not closed too!

This weekend we are off to another friend's 40th (actually have two on the same night), and as our babysitter fell through last minute, I am also very grateful to good friends who are having my boys for sleepovers!

Oh, and the bling bit?

You like?

So, I am very grateful for the fun and celebrations, friends and family. And I must also thank those who made this possible - the two who sought to make my life bad and yet have made it so much better than ever! Karma is a bitch, eh? Very grateful for Karma...

Weekend Grateful? Hell yeah!

Our name is legion for we are many...

I should be working on my Weekend Grateful or Weekend Rewind link ups. No, actually I should be asleep considering it is just after 3am in the morning, but that is a whole 'nother post.

Instead I am sitting here pondering the sheer magnitude of autism spectrum disorder. Otherwise known as ASD. It is a spectrum for a reason. The incredibly large range of diagnosis and the massive scope of this disorder is, to most, unfathomable. The term Autism Spectrum Disorder is the broad umbrella (at this point in time, until the DSM V comes into play in 2013) which covers such labels as:

• Autism Disorder - this covers what used to be termed classic autism or Kanners autism as well as a variety of behaviours and characteristics. Oh, that's another thing. The terms are constantly changing, as if this world on the spectrum was not confusing enough.
• Asperger's Disorder - otherwise known as Asperger Syndrome. Apparently this is going to vanish *poof* when the DSM-V is introduced. Great. Just great. The condition my son associates with himself, the one we have worked years on becoming an accepted part of his being, the identifying factor that forms a part of his self-belief, identification and confidence is no longer to be recognised. He will just be autistic, fancy that. Or don't. More to the point, DON'T.
• PDD - NOS - Pervasive Development Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified. I call this the limbo one. It is given in many cases in the early days when there is obviously something going on, but it is just not clear what. When help is needed, but the direction of the child's ASD has not become obvious. This is the one we were given in the beginning.

In the old days, when we first began this rollercoaster (around 2002/3) there were two other conditions under this broad cover:

• Rett's Syndrome
• Angelman Syndrome

Both lesser known genetic disorders with very serious and life-long implications. Apparently they no longer come under this ever changing cover.

This line of thought has been triggered by a heart-wrenching article written by a mum I am on several support sites with. The incredibly articulate Kirsty wrote this post which was published on the MammaMia blog.

After reading this, crying for a bit, then thinking on it, I started down memory lane. Our journey is unique to us. Whilst we have travelled a very different path to Kirsty, it has been no less painful, raw. (Refer Road Less Travelled) I think this is where a lot of people make assumptions, that Asperger Syndrome is a lighter sentence. It is not, nor is it a life sentence. It is a part of who he is, and always will be. His struggles are no less heartbreaking than those of others on the spectrum. Our hopes are no less valid. Our pain no less excrutiating at times.

People in my life (real and online) have commented, comparing us to others... you know the "Oh, but look at so and so's situation. You are so much better off than they are, you should be grateful." My answer is and always will be, "Yes, I feel for them. I can offer sympathy, compassion and to some degree, empathy. But it is not my life. It is not my child. It does not make our journey any less difficult, it is does not make the fear, pain and fight we experience any less valid."  Let's face it, EVERY EXPERIENCE of every parent in this complicated world is VALID. It is just that those of parents facing the challenges on the Autism Spectrum resonate far more deeply with me, for they are the battles I have fought, be it to differing degrees.

Our name IS legion, for we are many. It never fails to surprise me, just how many. I talk. A lot. I talk to people I encounter in every part of my life. I talk as much as I blog. And the huge number of people who confide in me that they too have a child, sibling, relative, friend or student on the spectrum... it takes my breath away.

Perhaps this is why when a mother such as Kirsty writes such an honest, powerful, evocative piece, it has a big impact. Read the comments that follow, the multitude of "I hear ya sista"s.

It is not 3am anymore. It is after 9. I can hear my two boys playing together, laughing, arguing, being typical brothers.

Boys 2 & 1 - 2004

I guess this has turned into my Weekend Grateful. Kirsty is right, he is so very easy to love. It is the easy bit. And as I listen to my boys laughter, I am so very grateful for both of them, as unique and quirky and boundary pushing and mind blowing as they are. As Maxabella says... it's all about perspective.

The Rose and the End of The Year of Firsts.

This time a year ago I was sitting in a hospital next to the body of my mother. This time a year ago I was trying to say my final farewell to the woman who made me all I am.

I was wrong. She is not gone, she surrounds me every day.

Today is the end of the year of firsts.

Today I walked outside to see this:

Three months ago I bought this rose, two months ago we planted it. Today it bloomed in perfection.

She is around me and mine... this is merely one of her more blatant reminders to never forget.

I love you Mum.

Weekend Grateful: Boys, LAN Parties and Friends

In case you are wondering I live in a house of geeks. Otherwise known as nerds, or maybe comparable to living in a younger household of Big Bang Theoreticists.

Last night, at our house, we had nine boys with laptops for the second monthly L.A.N. Minecraft party. It was meant to be twelve but a few had last minutes disasters which prevented them attending. So, not only did I have a T.A.R.D.I.S. and the fourth doctor in scarecrow form out front of our long driveway, but also a house full of boys madly sitting building a server world. Local Area Network party. Seriously hilarious.

Geeks I tell ya! GEEKS!

But gorgeous ones, every single one of them.

So very grateful for friends, for all of us.

Funny, I thought it would be a few more years before this...

Weekend Grateful: Dreams.

We all have dreams, but sometimes those dreams seem to be so far beyond our mortal reach that we stop before we even begin to try and attain them.

http://www.genyrants.com/

And at other times they feel so tangible you feel able to reach out and grasp them with both hands.

Right now I am sitting smack, bang in the midst of the latter camp.

Dreams coming to fruition.

An unbearable lightness of being.

http://www.youwall.com/

A release from all the baggage that was grounding me, wingless. For now my wings are unfurled and ready for flight. My inner self is happy dancing - I confronted one of my misery demons and told her a few home truths. Amazing what speaking out against the vile shadow boxers will do, I think more than anything it was being unable to defend myself that ate at my soul. The final shackles have fallen away, and now I am helping others break those chains of hate to free themselves too! Such a feeling, mere words cannot do it justice.

Image: http://www.bibliotecapleyades.net/sociopolitica/breakingthechain/tobefree.jpg

My boys are doing especially well, academically and socially. When all is good in their world, all is good in mine. Boy 1 has incredible things going on, he is even performing a little feature in the Grade 7 graduation dance - pretty damn schmicko for a boy on the spectrum. There is more, but I cannot spill until we are further down the track, but it could be HUGE for my young man. I will let you in on the details once all is signed, sealed and delivered.


Boy 2 has become a LAN party guru. Each month we have up to 12 boys in our games room, all signed in to one network, creating cities in a game called MINECRAFT. Yes you mine. And build, and forage and till. A world unto itself. The phone rings hot for Boy 2 nowadays. He is thriving in friendship.

We have big changes on the horizon, amazing things are happening. You already know of our change of direction with closing our retail store. December 17th is our last day of storefront trade, though the website will continue until all stock is gone. Our lives are evolving, and I know in my heart Wise Woman is watching, smiling, pushing as forward onto new horizons.

Life is dazzling.

So people, dream big. For nothing is impossible. We are only just finding it all out. This is my weekend grateful.