Okay: WARNING. I am going to be talking about not so secret women's business here. It will be explicit and yucky so if you are a delicate little petal or just don't want to know please stop reading NOW.
I am old. Not really truly old but old enough. Old enough to be in peri-menopause. Which I am. The doctor told me so.
Now along with the mood swings from hell, and the burning in brimstone, hellfire hot flushes, the other lovely part of this sliding into the change era is a variance in your periods. Some women have lighter periods, some women have more infrequent cycles. Not me. My change of cycle has also been express posted direct from hell.
I do not have less frequent periods, I have totally unpredictable, sometimes fortnightly sometimes not, never know when they are gonna hit periods. They have also developed into the Niagara Falls category of blood loss and clotting, sometimes so heavy and the clots so large I feel like I am back in childbirth. Not pleasant. And at times absolutely humiliating.
I did warn you I was going to share WAY too much today, didn't I? Because I tell ya, you need to know. Apparently I am not alone and around 62% of women going through the change experience similar.
Back to the mortification meanderings. There was the time we were in the waiting room of a psychology clinic. It was the third day of my period, and usually things ease a little. Sitting with Big Boy in the packed room, quietly browsing the trashy mags (as you do), I felt that horrible gush. And knew. I had to try and make it to the ladies room with a huge wet patch of menstrual blood on the rear of my royal blue dress. and then return with a huge water stain on said spot.
Or the time my cleaner was here and I was working on the computer. Didn't feel anything that time but looked down to see blood pooling in my sandals.
Or when... well, I guess you get the picture.
I have now learnt to manage a little. I do not go far from home on those days. I now wear dresses with vibrant splashes of lots of colour including BLOOD RED. I keep multiple spare sanitary items in my bag at all times.
And no matter what I do NOT DO ANY VIGOROUS EXERCISE (ie derby training). After all, it is only a few days every month or so. Or fortnightly. Or every 6 weeks.
Sometimes it just ain't no fun being a woman.