Hot Flashes, Hot Flushes and The Gallons...

Continuing on with the current theme (think this may be running for a while), I present you with the bane of the menopausal woman:

Hot Flushes!

(or Hot Flashes as the northern world dwellers seem to call it)

Yes, the joy of being able to cook your breakfast WITHOUT having to leave your bed... or saving money on heating - who needs heating when your core temperature shoots sky high at irregular intervals?

And, you may be aging and your body could be driving you slowly insane, but hey! You get to wear skimpy clothes or lounge around naked in your home, it's just a different kind of HOT to what your husband remembers from years gone by. And HOT is HOT... right?

RIGHT?

RIGHT?????

Nod vigorously people - you don't want to piss offf a menopausal woman!

And we come to the next little hiccup. When you wake multiple times (oh dear Lord, I remember when the multiples related to far more pleasant images), your body on fire seeming to burn from within, what is the first thing you reach for?

Yes, fluids. Be it water, juice, soft drink, whatever, you will swallow ANYTHING to quench the fire in your parched throat and replenish those body fluids that seem to leach from you in gallons. And THAT then creates the cycle:

Hot Flush

Drink

Awake

Bladder

Toilet

Really AWAKE

Insomnia

And repeat...

Ten times per night.

Welcome to my nightmare.

You?

Oh, and I know it should be litres here in Oz, but you know what? If you are old enough to relate to this, then you are old enough to clearly remember when it was gallons... m'kay?

Madmother & Menopause - Otherwise known as revealing the raging beast.

Yes.... "THAT" again! You may remember this post just over a year ago. It garnered lots of views but few comments. Maybe just a little too icky for some delicate sensibilities?

Well, I'm hitting it again.


Menopause. The great undiscussed... except by the women in "Menopause The Musical". And me. And my friends. And the random women in the supermarket queue as I manically fan myself mid hot flush. And the husbands of the wives who are discussing it at the... well, you get the picture.

In my case it is no longer peri-menopause, it is the real deal. And not fun.

I had managed to abate many of the symptoms by utilising a natural remedy recommended by the naturopath. 'Til now. My GP had warned me it may not be a long term solution, but after many horror stories of experiences on HRT (mainly from family members) I really hoped she was wrong. The hot flushes have returned with a vengeance ("Ha - you thought you were rid of me? Well take that... and that... and here's another just because I can!"), the insomnia, mood swings. Yes, all those culprits I joked about in my other post.

And since last year so much more information has been forthcoming.

I mean, we all know of those hot flushes, mood swings, and mad, unpredictable flood or famine female menstruation known by some as Auntie Flo... BUT someone forgot to list the incredible migraines, the panic attacks (and I mean full on, can't breath, scarily terrifying AM-I-HAVING-A-HEART-ATTACK? wee hour of the morning hysteria) and the insomnia. Oh and weight gain (WHY do you gain weight and suffer fluid retention when you are sweating out more water than a year in a sauna - someone explain THAT to me!). 

Seriously? How the hell could you neglect to mention these? Not like they are little niggling annoyances - for Dog's sake, my last migraine lasted four days? And the headache I had for three weeks and ran from chiropractor to GP to masseuse trying to fix? Didn't anyone think to mention menopause migraines? It was my cousin who innocently asked "Have you got the headaches yet?" and triggered a jaw-dropping moment of realisation... "OOOH, so that's what these are!"

And then you have the constant lack of energy, aches and pains, tiredness similar to post-childbirth shell-shock. Oh, and ... what was I saying? Ah, yes, memory loss! Oh, and did you know there is a condition named Menopausal Anxiety Disorder? Hmmm? Nope? Well, NEITHER DID I!

And - facial bum fluff! Yes, whiskers! Well, I cannot claim ignorance of this one, after all I was the one who plucked the few stray whiskers from Wise Woman's chin when her sight diminished, BUT no-one told me that a fine soft downy hair would start to grow ALL over your face? What the hell are you supposed to do with that? Wax your face and pray to God you miss what little is left of your eyebrows? (Oh yes, the hair diminishes on the bits it should be and increases on spots it never was!)

Ah, this is fun. NOT!

Okay, I'm done with the bitching, moaning and whining. To lighten the mood I'll leave you with this joke:

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?



A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THEPILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

 I'm sorry.... What was the question?

Flogging a Dead Horse - *TMI* Madmother Style.

Okay: WARNING. I am going to be talking about not so secret women's business here. It will be explicit and yucky so if you are a delicate little petal or just don't want to know please stop reading NOW.

I am old. Not really truly old but old enough. Old enough to be in peri-menopause. Which I am. The doctor told me so.

Now along with the mood swings from hell, and the burning in brimstone, hellfire hot flushes, the other lovely part of this sliding into the change era is a variance in your periods. Some women have lighter periods, some women have more infrequent cycles. Not me. My change of cycle has also been express posted direct from hell.

I do not have less frequent periods, I have totally unpredictable, sometimes fortnightly sometimes not, never know when they are gonna hit periods. They have also developed into the Niagara Falls category of blood loss and clotting, sometimes so heavy and the clots so large I feel like I am back in childbirth. Not pleasant. And at times absolutely humiliating.

I did warn you I was going to share WAY too much today, didn't I? Because I tell ya, you need to know. Apparently I am not alone and around 62% of women going through the change experience similar.

Back to the mortification meanderings. There was the time we were in the waiting room of a psychology clinic. It was the third day of my period, and usually things ease a little. Sitting with Big Boy in the packed room, quietly browsing the trashy mags (as you do), I felt that horrible gush. And knew. I had to try and make it to the ladies room with a huge wet patch of menstrual blood on the rear of my royal blue dress. and then return with a huge water stain on said spot.

Or the time my cleaner was here and I was working on the computer. Didn't feel anything that time but looked down to see blood pooling in my sandals.

Or when... well, I guess you get the picture.

I have now learnt to manage a little. I do not go far from home on those days. I now wear dresses with vibrant splashes of lots of colour including BLOOD RED. I keep multiple spare sanitary items in my bag at all times.

And no matter what I do NOT DO ANY VIGOROUS EXERCISE (ie derby training). After all, it is only a few days every month or so. Or fortnightly. Or every 6 weeks.

Sometimes it just ain't no fun being a woman.

Not a Good Day.

At the moment my health sucks. Seriously. Am having tests for all sorts of stuff, but I do suspect the dreaded big M is lurking behind all of the things going on. Yes, that we shall not speak of, *menopause*.

Even more concerning is Wise Woman's health. She is having major back pain, and is unstable on her feet. She has been bending too much and has pushed her physical boundaries. The worry is that last time this happened she suffered another spontaneous fracture of her vertebrae. I do not think at nearly 91 she could tolerate the intense pain this brings. The last one nearly took her life and it was two years ago. Makes my issues seem trivial.

And our employee has rung in sick... So the meeting at the school we had organised for Boy 1, and the fact that I was meant to work today are all out the window.

Not a good start so far...