I Am Here, Sort Of.

The past fortnight has taken a huge toll. There are parts of myself I worry I have lost forever. Some days I am angry, others I am, well, forlorn. I have taken some steps forward, I finally signed on for derby last night and oh, it was a joy to be far from here, away from the insidious whispers, feeling free. The skating flowed, the derby skills were rusty, but surpringly still there from eons ago. WHEN I am better I will blog and post photos in my Hellion blog, I promise.

I am dealing with the loss of my uncle, and am going home. I am so sad it is to say goodbye to someone who played a major role in shaping me, but also glad to be seeing family, some of whom I have not seen for so very long. Too long. I think the death and grief have pulled the rug out a little more, and halted the shaky steps forward I was making. I still cannot bear to be at the school. On the days I must pickup the boys, I shake, sweat and feel ill. I sit in the car, sunglasses cover my puffy eyes, visor pulled down, pretending to be engrossed in a novel or faking phone conversation on the hands free if someone approaches.

I wish it would stop. Sometimes I feel so normal I think: "Okay, now I'll jump back in, go see how the boys are doing, talk to the teachers." BUT every time I drive past or near the school the tremors resurface, and those feelings of being out of control, out of my depth leap to the forefront. Maybe I'll be better when I come back, maybe going home will give me back my emotional solidity, stop the emotional quicksand from sucking me down.

I hope so. This is quickly degenerating into one of those whiny, poor me blogs. And that has never been my style... until now.