Friday, May 21, 2010

I Am Here, Sort Of.



The past fortnight has taken a huge toll. There are parts of myself I worry I have lost forever. Some days I am angry, others I am, well, forlorn. I have taken some steps forward, I finally signed on for derby last night and oh, it was a joy to be far from here, away from the insidious whispers, feeling free. The skating flowed, the derby skills were rusty, but surpringly still there from eons ago. WHEN I am better I will blog and post photos in my Hellion blog, I promise.

I am dealing with the loss of my uncle, and am going home. I am so sad it is to say goodbye to someone who played a major role in shaping me, but also glad to be seeing family, some of whom I have not seen for so very long. Too long. I think the death and grief have pulled the rug out a little more, and halted the shaky steps forward I was making. I still cannot bear to be at the school. On the days I must pickup the boys, I shake, sweat and feel ill. I sit in the car, sunglasses cover my puffy eyes, visor pulled down, pretending to be engrossed in a novel or faking phone conversation on the hands free if someone approaches.

I wish it would stop. Sometimes I feel so normal I think: "Okay, now I'll jump back in, go see how the boys are doing, talk to the teachers." BUT every time I drive past or near the school the tremors resurface, and those feelings of being out of control, out of my depth leap to the forefront. Maybe I'll be better when I come back, maybe going home will give me back my emotional solidity, stop the emotional quicksand from sucking me down.



I hope so. This is quickly degenerating into one of those whiny, poor me blogs. And that has never been my style... until now.

6 comments:

Melissa said...

Have a safe trip. I'm sorry the circumstances taking you home are so sad.

But all the same, draw in the comfort of home and of family. Come back to us when you're ready.

I'll be thinking about you.

Kakka said...

Hey sweet lady - enjoy your time reconnecting with family, celebrate the life of you uncle and give your Aunt a hug. Like you I hope the time away will give you some peace and renewed strength to deal with the crap. Or even better still it will be over by the time you get back. Love ya xxx

Madmother said...

It won't be over. People are staring to notice, and Big Boy spoke to a couple of friends when questioned. So now it is not just I they are calling a liar, but him too. Maybe this will be the flash of truth people need, for he is a man of the utmost integrity and all would testify to that.

This fallout is not what I wanted, I just wish all had settled months ago, then no-one would be caught in the crossfire. Am so sick of the highschool mentality of them both. So tired. And over the drama, the paranoia, the lies...

PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

I'm so sad for you Madmother. I hope your uncle has a fitting send off and that you enjoy your time with your family. Take a break, get things sorted and know that eventually the truth will come out. Hugs xxx

Wanderlust said...

Have a safe trip, MM, and drink in the love of your family, for it is they who matter. Try to let the events of the last few weeks wash off of you as much as possible. You will be in my thoughts. Godspeed. xo

Langdowns said...

Hang in there MM. Hugs. L