I am full of it, and I use this blog as therapy sometimes. It stops me from screaming, which scares the children. Here, and a few other places online, I can think out loud, sort through things, get other's perspectives. At times, like now, it will get too deep and personal for some. Please forgive my self-focus, but sometimes you just have to get it out.
I just watched Doctor Phil (not something I usually do), and one line he has uttered really hits home. He was talking about good, true and loyal friends, and his definition of such. "They are the ones walking in the door as everyone else walks out uttering: what a bitch..."
Sums it up really, and it is something I have never had an issue doing for others, and yet I feel so alone when I need a shoulder. We are all entitled to drop the Mary Sunshine mask every now and again, but I must admit to feeling I cannot.
One of the few people I ever let witness my weak points was one of the two who turned on me last year. The one I still have no idea why. I have to admit it has been one of the biggest betrayals of my life. And one that obviously, when things are bad, will still hurt at times. Not all the time, most days are good. But right now as my husband battles some pretty big demons emotionally and health wise... well it would have been she I would have called. Big Boy is a very private man, and I know before all of this he would have been okay with me talking to her. That is how close we all were.
But no-one else. And after her actions, or supposed actions (as the small community chinese whispers kick in), he has lost his desire to confide in others or to allow me to.
Add into this the fact that a lot of our close friends are facing hard times in their lives too, and have no emotional reserves to support us with. I just would not ask.
I guess I am just wallowing in self-pity and feeling very alone. We are all allowed sometimes.
And the crappy weather and the damage it has caused does not help...
As I said, ignore my poor me rant, I'll get over it.