Thursday, March 18, 2010

I am Lost...



Not waving, drowning. I do not know what to do, this is uncharted territory and I do not have an emotional GPS to navigate these treacherous waters. All I know is right now we are sinking, and the last lifeboat may well have sailed.

He is twelve, and standing on the cusp of puberty. The signs are there, he is developing hair in places before bare, his voice is deepening, the moods are darkening. We knew it was going to be hard, but this is terrifying. A boy facing teenagehood is difficult enough, one without emotional restraint or control is beyond daunting. It is petrifying. We are frustrated, but so is he. His lack of control and multiple meltdowns have us questioning: Can we do this? What on earth made us think we were prepared enough, that we had faced  perils and challenges, the battles and the angst, and that this was just one more campaign to move him towards adulthood and independence? It is not that difficult to fight the will and nature of a child, it is a different story when it is a young man being inflexible, rigid, unrealistic...

We are lost. We do not know what to do, or how to help ease his way. And deep in our hearts we probably know that THAT is the real answer. We cannot. It is time for him to step up and face his own inner demons, to quell the turmoil within. It is now his fight, and all we can do is hold him when he cries, be tough with him when he is losing heart, and combat him when he is not being rational or calm. And love him whatever.

It is the hardest part of the journey, letting go... And I do not know if we are strong enough to get through this pain.


I can only pray we have given the boy enough strength to be able to become a man.


14 comments:

Epskee said...

Fark. I'd love to say something encouraging... but I can't. If I tried it would just sound trite.

The reasons are different, but I am dreading reaching the point you are at now. Scary that its only a couple of years away for us.....

E. said...

I understand where you are coming from. Boy Child is 11 and we have been navigating this puberty thing for over a year now. So far moods here have been fairly stable but I worry about it so much.

I wish I had a crystal ball to see that we all make it intact out the other side.

Madmother said...

And people wonder why their trivial petty shit means nothing to me, lol.

Our battles (and I mean all of us facing having different kids) are so much more heartwrenching and of the utmost importance, the crap they spout is like high school popularity shit. So nothing...

Kellyansapansa said...

Oh, how heartbreaking. There's nothing I can really say, except the very best of luck navigating this minefield. I'm sure you will all come out stronger. xx

Kakka said...

Having been through this (our son is now 27) and somehow come out the other side I can only tell you that we managed to do it. As a couple (you and hubby) you need to be strong for each other - you need to be able to talk openly with each other about the frustrations, worry and hurt you may feel. You need to be able to tag-team, to be working towards the same goals and to know that the next few years are going to be tough. My son ended up being 6ft 4in tall so in some way he was threatening to deal with, but the one thing I always knew was even when at his worst, he would never intentionally harm me, because he loved me and knew that I loved him. That doesn't mean there wasn't argy bargy getting him into the car on the way to school but he would only push me so far. If I had not had my hubby to be there to listen to me and to take over the challenge one the rare occasions that I needed him to, then all would have failed. However, we got our son through school, got him functioning as an adult it just took a lot of extra work but I would not change him for anything. I wish I could talk to you personally and tell you it will be okay, but writing it here in this limited space means I can not tell you all but I can offer you hope. Be strong. Hugs xxx

Madmother said...

Karen, thank you so much for sharing this. We are amongst the first to face this amongst those we know and so have no-one who can tell us if we will get through it.

I want him to be happy, loved, fulfilled, but wonder if I am dreaming of the unattainable.

His anxiety levels are off the scale at the moment and I am not sure which track to tread this time to avoid the quicksand.

Alex said...

I read somewhere that this is the age mothers have to back off (hard I know, when it's your child and you can see something is wrong).

They said that boys need a strong, positive male influence at this time in their lives, someone they can model themselves on. A dad, uncle, family friend, someone to take him out and do 'manly' things with.

Hugs to you and your boy.

Aussie-waffler said...

I wish I could offer advice, but alas, I can not. Good luck with the battle. You know there is now another fresh pair of ears if you ever need to get stuff off your chest. x

Mad Woman said...

I don't have any advice, just more virtual hugs and an email address to cry to if you need to.
xx

Kakka said...

Glad to help in any way I can. I can say it is a hard road, we chose not to put my son on meds for his anxiety, I sometimes wonder whether that was a right choice, but he got through. While he still has anxious moments even now, I delight in seeing him now as a mature man, doing things I never thought possible. It took longer than the average child to adult transition period, but it did happen. While I can't predict your son's path, I do know he has the most amazing mother right there behind him and so with your support, you are giving him every chance to succeed.

Madmother said...

We do not rule out medication, but seriously wish to give him other tools and other ways to deal with the anxiety if we can. He has a good psych whom we have been seeing for over 2 years in preparation for this. The bond is there, and we trust this man.
I just want him to be happy, and to fulfil his dreams. He is desperate to go to Uni like Mum and Dad, even has his degree picked out. I have told him I don't care what he chooses to do, as long as it brings him pleasure.

Kakka said...

My son faltered when first at uni and so he took a break and a change of direction. He is now nearly finished his forensic toxicology and biology degree while working at a bar. Two things I never, ever thought I would see. As I said it took a long while, but he is getting there. He, however, can not drive a car even though he managed lessons for a while, his anxiety took over at the final hurdle of the test and so he gave up. I hope he finds the courage to try again at some stage. He has a small group of female friends who have supported him through high school and still remain friends with him today - I give blessings for them all the time. High school was hell - I hope that it is not for your gorgeous young man. If you ever want to talk (is that the right word) I could give you my email address.

Madmother said...

Karen, again thank you. I am publishing your comments as I think it is so important for lots of parents to see there is light at the end of the tunnel. You are a very generous person to share this, and I am so in awe of your mothering skills. I am stumbling with words as I cannot seem to express how much this has meant to me, and I am sure to the many others who follow the same path.

xx
T

Jen said...

Oh MM I am sorry things are becoming so difficult for bc1 and you all. Massive ((((((hugs))))))) and also thanks for posting about it as it gives me an insight into our possible (most likely) future. Thankyou for also posting Kakka's comments, they have also given me great hope for the future for my boy. Glad to read further up that the storms are calm right now, I hope they remain that way for you all although know too well how choppy they can get!