Sunday, June 12, 2011

Another Piece of The End.

 I am sitting staring at the Google search box. The curser is flashing angrily, annoyed at my ineptitude.  Just do it, just do it... it seems to signal impatiently. I am frozen.

It will be another brick in the wall of goodbye. It will be another sign of the end. It is another finality. I am sitting about to google local stonemasons for my mother's grave. My mother's bed in death. My mother's monument.

I have to think of wording, but how do I put in to a few short words the woman who helped me live? The woman who helped me breath?  The woman who was my mother, my best friend, my teacher, my inspiration. My Wise Woman.

It is another goodbye, another confirmation that this is not a bad dream, she is truly gone.

I can never forget the cries of my second son as he came into the hospital to farewell the woman who had been there for him his whole life, "Why? why is she dying? What is killing her? Nanna can't die, Nanna ALWAYS bounces back."

I know son, I know. I cannot accept she is not coming back either, for whilst you had her for your eleven short years, I had her for nearly forty seven of mine.

Once more, the screen has blurred. And because you never believed in tissues, my mother, I now have retrieved one of your soft, delicate hankies. It smells of you. And my tears flow harder.

Goodbye is just too hard.

8 comments:

Alex said...

Oh, my heart breaks just reading this...big hugs.

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." ~Kahlil Gibran

cjtato said...

No words. Just sending love and hugs your way.

E. said...

Wanted to say that I am thinking of you.

ms. freelancer said...

big hug for you my friend. all these will all come to pass.

Leanne said...

I have no words ... just a hug.
L

Kakka said...

Just hugs from me, my heart is heavy for you my love xxx

Madmother said...

Kakka, i have the most beautiful cup and saucer set picked out for you. It has been sitting there for months. Like the return thanks cards I just have not been able to send it.

For if I do it is putting this nightmare into real life.

I will, I just have to find the strength.

Anonymous said...

The words will come at the most unexpected moment and then they'll be perfect. Cathy