Farewell to a Very Special Lady.

My Aunt passed away last night. Again my cousin had the job of ringing me distraught, her words "Well it's official, I am an orphan" were not necessary as the sound of her sobbing made the reason for the call very clear.

May 2010 - Uncle Darleigh's Funeral

My Aunt and Uncle had played a very strong role in my life. In the past I wrote of my Uncle's fight with cancer, and then our loss of this wonderful man. But I do not think I have written of them. i can only do so briefly now, for the pain is fresh and raw.

I was Dad's Boy. The tomboy substitute for a son. As such I accompanied Dad on lots of blokey adventures, a lot of them at my Aunt and Uncle's farm. I grew up spending many days rambling and running around like a wild child over fields and in forests at their place. Wise Woman had dragged my Grumblebum Dad off the land into town when they married, and my Aunty Nancy and Uncle Darleigh took over the huge acreage atop the brother in the middle mountain. A dairy farmer's life was not easy, and whilst my Uncle worked the incredibly long hours, my Aunt taught at the local primary school. It was my Aunt's job which paid for so much over the years; the new irrigation system, the automation of the dairy, the enclosed tractor to help my cousin with his allergies.

She was the strength behind the man. She was an intelligent, articulate, straight-talking woman. When my sister died she refused to let us have Christmas alone and every year for quite a few she organised a wonderful extended family day.
She danced at my wedding, cried at my father's funeral, rejoiced in the birth of my boys.When my oldest was diagnosed on the spectrum she was there supporting us with every ounce of her teacher and loving aunt self.
 So big-hearted was this wonderful lady, not only did she raise my two adopted cousins, but she also took on my other Aunt's two boys when their mother passed away from cancer. Family. It was always all about family. Be it by blood or marriage or love, we were all so very important to her and she to us.


Now I wait for my cousin to ring me with details so I can once again organise to go home for a farewell. Aunty Nancy, I will miss you more than words can say.

Another Wise Woman has left this realm, she will be sorely missed by all who knew her.

Today's Post

Today's entry for Throbbing Thursday is postponed due to events over the last few days. It is not appropriate when the world has lost one little angel's light. Apologies for those who are waiting to read the conclusion, I will publish it for next week's entry. But for today...

Today, hug your children and tell them how they fill your heart to the brim.

Today, stop rushing and take time to play. 

Today, let the sun shine on your face even in the rain.

Today, even as your heart cries for the loss of such a beautiful little girl, smile in her memory. T'keyah would insist.

Sometimes...

words are not enough to express the magnitude of what we are feeling.

Sometimes, although we fight hard, it is not enough.

Sometimes we cannot explain why life is so unfair.

Sometimes life is a tragedy unfolding before our eyes.

Sometimes a soul is so beautiful and pure, the love surrounding it is not enough to keep it on this earth.

Sometimes sorry is so truly inadequate.

Sometimes we are frail and will fall. Sometimes all you can do is sit and cry. Sometimes it is so damn hard to be human.

Sometimes, one little angel you meet on the internet highway can impact you for life in ways you never knew possible.

Farewell T'keyah. For one so small you fought so hard in your time on earth. And have left such huge impressions on those your wonderful family shared you with.

RIP

26/11/03 - 06/07/10

A truly sad

Cracking The Sads.

I am going to follow Alex and take a little blogging hiatus. After a wonderful school holidays surrounded by those I really enjoy being with, the reality of having to return to a school where I have to see unpleasant people on a daily basis has hit me hard.

A new school year is difficult enough, especially the first few weeks with Boy 1, but having to deal with this nastiness... Well, it has me worried. A few weeks ago I don't think it would have phased me, but learning someone was questioning my integrity and mental health, spreading innuendo and lies... I am really upset about it. Normally if told of something like this (especially about 5th hand) I would go to the person and try to find out the truth. After all, we all know how chinese whispers can distort. But having been close to her and in her confidence I am very aware of how she dealt with the last person (deny, deny, deny), and it would serve no purpose. 

The end result will make her happy anyway, I now wonder what she has said to whom, and who believes her. I consider myself a pretty good judge of character and she had me fooled for a hell of a long time, so I do not doubt she will spin a believable speil to many.

And so, I need to take some time out to concentrate on me and mine. It may be a day, a week or a month, I have no set time frame in mind. I am not deleting this blog, merely stalling for a little.

Until I feel in a better place I cannot spend time here. It shows you how much the betrayal of a friend can screw with your life.

Big Boy thinks I need to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, I think he may be right and I need not to care about others as much. It is too damn painful, and it can be used to hurt.



 

To Lose A Child

A parent's worst nightmare. Sadly, this morning I learnt of the death of beautiful Olivia, a little girl full of smiles, sunshine and hope, lost in a tragic car accident. News report is here.  I first learnt of it from Sally, which in turn led me to Kate's blog as I just could not believe it was true. I watched her slideshow of all the kids, and my heart broke. Having lived through the loss of a sibling, my only sister, I cannot even come close to comprehending the pain of such a terrible tragedy. I once asked my Mother (Wise Woman 1) how she survived such a devastating loss and as I did not think I could survive or keep my sanity if I lost one of my children. Her answer was "I had to. For you."

In a perfect world this would never have happened, a family should not have to deal with this ever. But it is the real world, and as much as life and love is a part of our existence so is death and grief.



RIP Olivia. You have touched many hearts in your decade of life.

A very sad 

Loss

I miss you.

I sat across from you this morning and watched as your eyes turned to ice every time you had to respond to or address me. You spoke to me only when I talked to you. Not once did you enquire how my life was or what I as up to. I had hoped it was a phase. That I was imagining the freeze, that others were wrong. I had thought we were good friends, close friends. I was wrong. And I am sad. I do not know what I have done, what unforgivable sin I have committed. I guess I assumed that friendship meant honesty, and a chance to rectify mistakes if you were made aware of making them. Sadly, I now have to admit that maybe I misread things. Could it be that trust, loyalty, caring was not what we were about? Or is it your fear of people getting too close? Do you have a need to drive away and hurt that stems from your deep insecurity and the pain of a child betrayed?

I know I am not the first who has been discarded. I thought your reasons were sound, but now have to wonder if she was as bewildered as I am? A close friend over several years cast aside, adrift with no knowledge of why? And I ponder, who is next?

I also have to wonder if you think I do not see, or maybe you take some sadistic joy in causing me pain. For whatever you call me, I only called you friend.

Is it something in the air?

Is it the cycle of the planets, or moon? Something is going on, and it seems to have affected the people I know en masse. We are all in an emotionally turbulent or vulnerable phase of our lives, many appear to have hit the emotional wall, or fallen into despair. Some, like myself, have suffered many invisible hits to our psyche and are staggering, punch drunk, waiting for the next blow.

So, what are the Gods trying to tell us all? Life is shit? Life is too hard, and we need to give up? Or is it a "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" sort of test? I have no idea. But I tell you right now, I am screaming silently inside my smiling facade:

"ENOUGH!"

Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

And now I'm standing on the corner,

All the world's gone home

Nobody's changed, no-body's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and a-lone

I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more__ than I've got...

What about me?

It isn't fair

I've had enough, now I want my share

Can't you see, I wanna live

But you just take more

What about me?

It isn't fair, I've had enough, now I want my share

Can't you see, I wanna live

But you just take more

You just take more

You just take more

Than you give

What about....me?

It is sad when you realise someone you thought was a close friend does not hold you in the same regard. Even more heartbreaking when their disregard hurts your children. And then it hits you - they do not consider you important in the scheme of things, it is all about them. Now, don't get me wrong. I know we all put our children and our family first, but most are considerate of people outside of that kinship circle. Friends are the icing on the cake; the sweet, fun bit that makes you feel happy. Truest friends are marzipan, they stick like glue, and seem to last forever. Even when the cake is a little off. I think I have to acknowledge that this flavour is leaving a sour taste, time to stop indulging so much.

*Sigh*

That is the problem with being happy, it is so big a thud when you are brought back down. I thought it had all settled, that I was free of her and her twisted manipulations. She had attempted to weasel her way back into my life, but I politely sidestepped. So of course this simple act has started the venom flowing through her veins, engaging that sick psychosis once more. But this time I am taking the official path. Her original actions are already on file with the police. This may well be the one thing which tips the scale and forces me to ask them to intervene, which I had requested them not to previously.

Why on earth do the people in her life allow this sickness to continue?

And so it begins

After having utilised a MySpace page for many moons for my intermittent blogging escapades, I have finally taken the bull by the horns and started a real blog. Inspired by the honesty and beauty of others I have read, I must admit I am a little lost and worried about not making the grade.
But the tragedies and sadness from the last few days have once again shown me how frail life is, and how we must grab our dreams and run with them, for who knows what tomorrow brings.

My Mother once told me "you are too involved in others' lives. You need to take a step back and not care so deeply, for it only leads to pain." For a wonderful, nurtering woman she certainly came out with some doozies. But I am who I am. I do not know if my losses along the way shaped my nature, though by the age the first tragedy hit I would have thought my core traits were already in place.
I remember from a young age feeling wounded by friends, and sometimes even a sense of betrayal when the bitchiness of little girl packs hit. I recall taking it to heart, and running home crying to Mum. Maybe this is why she feels the way she does? I know it breaks my heart when my children falter and fall. But I cannot change this need to enmesh myself in friend's lives, to bond or link myself to them. How can I not when it is what I ask of others?

The loss of my only sibling in my mid-teenage years means I rely on my friends, and in return, would do almost anything to help if they call. I cannot remain a fringe-dweller, inanely making the right noises whilst not truly interacting or listening to their tales. I do freely give my emotions, allow myself to become involved, to try and help if I can, or just listen with an open mind, if that is what they need.

It is also why my heart breaks when bad things happen to good people. There are people you come across on this internet pathway who reach in and grab hold of you. Even if you have not met in the flesh, you can feel how wonderful, and refreshingly nice they are, even over the web. It is why their pain creates a deep sadness inside, though you could walk past them in the street and never recognise one another.

And now, after I have been reminded that life is too short by a tragic loss to one of these wonderful web friends, my blog takes its first, tentative steps into being.

RIP Xavier, for one so little you have left a very big footprint.