I Am...

tired. So very tired. We have fought the battle, and lost. Not the war, by hell not the war, but yes. The battle. Today I took my mother to hospital. The pain was just too much and I could not find a solution. She reacts to nearly everything, becomes physically ill from most pain medications. And being ill is the worst thing you can do with a fracture. Hospitals scare me for her. They look at her on paper and tend to go *meh*... she's old. They do not see the vital person she is/was until 3 weeks ago. I tell them, make sure they know this 90 year old Wise Woman was doing her Excel spreadsheets, getting her complicated tax return ready for the financial year. I let them know she is the only surviving grandparent my kids have, inform them of the bond she and Boy 1 have. Give them the person not the number.
But still I worry. We have gone to the good hospital, the one an hour's drive, further away than the others. I just hope they get it. I love her so much.

Have I failed her?

Is it something in the air?

Is it the cycle of the planets, or moon? Something is going on, and it seems to have affected the people I know en masse. We are all in an emotionally turbulent or vulnerable phase of our lives, many appear to have hit the emotional wall, or fallen into despair. Some, like myself, have suffered many invisible hits to our psyche and are staggering, punch drunk, waiting for the next blow.

So, what are the Gods trying to tell us all? Life is shit? Life is too hard, and we need to give up? Or is it a "what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger" sort of test? I have no idea. But I tell you right now, I am screaming silently inside my smiling facade:

"ENOUGH!"