Why?

Sitting here at 4am in the morning. It is hot - 24 degrees at this early hour, in the midst of a torrential storm downpour, atop our mountain... rare. I have my youngest in my bed, my restless sleeper. With the blackouts (power on, power off, power on, power off), a rogue spa which makes a high pitched squeal as every power outage bizarrely switches it on, and the heat, I have slept little.

My post of yesterday brought a leap in my stats, and yet no-one commented. It was linked by a few wonderful friends on facebook and other sites, and yet... no-one commented. I put myself out there, open the rawness afresh, try to help in some small way... and no-one responds.

I am in the midst of a self-pity week. My health is sucky (yes, am onto it), my life is still stressful (as it will be for a while yet), and my husband is heading away for a few well-desrved nights fishing with the boys and I will be alone. Normally not an issue, but when my usual zing has pinged, I am dreading it.

I have been reading posts. And looking at blog lists. Lists I was once on, and yet seem to have dropped from?

I am not commenting much at all. I read blogs and go to comment, then stop, disregard, figure "why bother, my opinion is not needed, I am not relevant in the scheme of things anymore."

Gradually I am looking at less, following fewer, pulling more and more into my blog self.

Everyone, no matter how big or small, how cool or not, needs to feel valued.

And right now I don't.

So, smaller and smaller I curl. Until one day I will be invisible. Or am I already? And I ponder, do I bother to post or just delete? And does it matter either way?

Sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

And now I'm standing on the corner,

All the world's gone home

Nobody's changed, no-body's been saved

And I'm feeling cold and a-lone

I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot

But sometimes I wish for more__ than I've got...

What about me?

It isn't fair

I've had enough, now I want my share

Can't you see, I wanna live

But you just take more

What about me?

It isn't fair, I've had enough, now I want my share

Can't you see, I wanna live

But you just take more

You just take more

You just take more

Than you give

What about....me?

It is sad when you realise someone you thought was a close friend does not hold you in the same regard. Even more heartbreaking when their disregard hurts your children. And then it hits you - they do not consider you important in the scheme of things, it is all about them. Now, don't get me wrong. I know we all put our children and our family first, but most are considerate of people outside of that kinship circle. Friends are the icing on the cake; the sweet, fun bit that makes you feel happy. Truest friends are marzipan, they stick like glue, and seem to last forever. Even when the cake is a little off. I think I have to acknowledge that this flavour is leaving a sour taste, time to stop indulging so much.