Well, I'm hitting it again.
Menopause. The great undiscussed... except by the women in "Menopause The Musical". And me. And my friends. And the random women in the supermarket queue as I manically fan myself mid hot flush. And the husbands of the wives who are discussing it at the... well, you get the picture.
In my case it is no longer peri-menopause, it is the real deal. And not fun.
I had managed to abate many of the symptoms by utilising a natural remedy recommended by the naturopath. 'Til now. My GP had warned me it may not be a long term solution, but after many horror stories of experiences on HRT (mainly from family members) I really hoped she was wrong. The hot flushes have returned with a vengeance ("Ha - you thought you were rid of me? Well take that... and that... and here's another just because I can!"), the insomnia, mood swings. Yes, all those culprits I joked about in my other post.
And since last year so much more information has been forthcoming.
I mean, we all know of those hot flushes, mood swings, and mad, unpredictable flood or famine female menstruation known by some as Auntie Flo... BUT someone forgot to list the incredible migraines, the panic attacks (and I mean full on, can't breath, scarily terrifying AM-I-HAVING-A-HEART-ATTACK? wee hour of the morning hysteria) and the insomnia. Oh and weight gain (WHY do you gain weight and suffer fluid retention when you are sweating out more water than a year in a sauna - someone explain THAT to me!).
Seriously? How the hell could you neglect to mention these? Not like they are little niggling annoyances - for Dog's sake, my last migraine lasted four days? And the headache I had for three weeks and ran from chiropractor to GP to masseuse trying to fix? Didn't anyone think to mention menopause migraines? It was my cousin who innocently asked "Have you got the headaches yet?" and triggered a jaw-dropping moment of realisation... "OOOH, so that's what these are!"
And then you have the constant lack of energy, aches and pains, tiredness similar to post-childbirth shell-shock. Oh, and ... what was I saying? Ah, yes, memory loss! Oh, and did you know there is a condition named Menopausal Anxiety Disorder? Hmmm? Nope? Well, NEITHER DID I!
And - facial bum fluff! Yes, whiskers! Well, I cannot claim ignorance of this one, after all I was the one who plucked the few stray whiskers from Wise Woman's chin when her sight diminished, BUT no-one told me that a fine soft downy hair would start to grow ALL over your face? What the hell are you supposed to do with that? Wax your face and pray to God you miss what little is left of your eyebrows? (Oh yes, the hair diminishes on the bits it should be and increases on spots it never was!)
Ah, this is fun. NOT!
Okay, I'm done with the bitching, moaning and whining. To lighten the mood I'll leave you with this joke:
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THEPILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!
I'm sorry.... What was the question?
