Monday, May 7, 2012

Madmother & Menopause - Otherwise known as revealing the raging beast.

Yes.... "THAT" again! You may remember this post just over a year ago. It garnered lots of views but few comments. Maybe just a little too icky for some delicate sensibilities?

Well, I'm hitting it again.

Menopause. The great undiscussed... except by the women in "Menopause The Musical". And me. And my friends. And the random women in the supermarket queue as I manically fan myself mid hot flush. And the husbands of the wives who are discussing it at the... well, you get the picture.

In my case it is no longer peri-menopause, it is the real deal. And not fun.

I had managed to abate many of the symptoms by utilising a natural remedy recommended by the naturopath. 'Til now. My GP had warned me it may not be a long term solution, but after many horror stories of experiences on HRT (mainly from family members) I really hoped she was wrong. The hot flushes have returned with a vengeance ("Ha - you thought you were rid of me? Well take that... and that... and here's another just because I can!"), the insomnia, mood swings. Yes, all those culprits I joked about in my other post.

And since last year so much more information has been forthcoming.

I mean, we all know of those hot flushes, mood swings, and mad, unpredictable flood or famine female menstruation known by some as Auntie Flo... BUT someone forgot to list the incredible migraines, the panic attacks (and I mean full on, can't breath, scarily terrifying AM-I-HAVING-A-HEART-ATTACK? wee hour of the morning hysteria) and the insomnia. Oh and weight gain (WHY do you gain weight and suffer fluid retention when you are sweating out more water than a year in a sauna - someone explain THAT to me!)

Seriously? How the hell could you neglect to mention these? Not like they are little niggling annoyances - for Dog's sake, my last migraine lasted four days? And the headache I had for three weeks and ran from chiropractor to GP to masseuse trying to fix? Didn't anyone think to mention menopause migraines? It was my cousin who innocently asked "Have you got the headaches yet?" and triggered a jaw-dropping moment of realisation... "OOOH, so that's what these are!"

And then you have the constant lack of energy, aches and pains, tiredness similar to post-childbirth shell-shock. Oh, and ... what was I saying? Ah, yes, memory loss! Oh, and did you know there is a condition named Menopausal Anxiety Disorder? Hmmm? Nope? Well, NEITHER DID I!

And - facial bum fluff! Yes, whiskers! Well, I cannot claim ignorance of this one, after all I was the one who plucked the few stray whiskers from Wise Woman's chin when her sight diminished, BUT no-one told me that a fine soft downy hair would start to grow ALL over your face? What the hell are you supposed to do with that? Wax your face and pray to God you miss what little is left of your eyebrows? (Oh yes, the hair diminishes on the bits it should be and increases on spots it never was!)

Ah, this is fun. NOT!

Okay, I'm done with the bitching, moaning and whining. To lighten the mood I'll leave you with this joke:

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THEPILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE!

I'm sorry.... What was the question?



I would laugh out loud, but I'm afraid I will pee myself, and then forget what I was laughing about. I have written about this stuff a lot lately, and have started a page on my blog called Dial M for Menopause. I shall link this post on there if that's ok with you. x

Tracy said...

Brilliant post - I am not looking forward to Menopause since I am a crotty crabby cow at the best of times. I pity my poor family :-).

Madmother said...

Link away Cate!

Tracy, I thought I was too... I mean, how much worse could it get?

WRONG! It can get a whole fucking lot worse - just ask my family!

Terri said...

Right there with you, sister! In the middle of it all and NOT a happy camper!

Kakka said...

I hear you MM, although I am lucky with no headaches and hot flushes that are no where near as bad as I thought, but the insomnia, the middle of the night panic attacks, the uncontrolable rage at the smallest of things, the peach fuzz cheeks, the itchy skin - yep all of those I have had for a few years now. My question is when does it all stop??? Years of being told I am peri-menopausal and now years of menopause and still no end in sight.

Hugs from Perth and a cooling breeze for when you need it xxx

kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Well I didn't want to hear that.

Cause I have ALL of those symptoms already for other things. OMG DOES THIS MEAN THAT IT WILL CANCEL EACH OTHER OUT!?!?!?

Bring THAT shit ON!

Anonymous said...

Ain't life grand - not (Cathy)

Leanne said...

LOL! Sorry MM. Menopause is not pretty but you sure make it funny.

Madame Menopause said...

I'm so glad I found this blog! Even though it makes me a bit jealous and axious because you're clearly an awesome writer and a funny bitch to boot, which makes my n00b efforts look as wooden as Karl Stefanovic doing Shakespeare...but I digress. Having walked a few steps into the woods of perimenopause myself recently, I'm thrilled to find a blog of someone who is further along than me, so I can have some idea of what's coming next.