Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I am Not Asleep...

I wish I was. I have had a little wine (just a couple of glasses with Big Boy), and I have watched TV. But I am wide awake. I need to sleep, we have both Boy 1 and 2 friends coming over tomorrow, and then I am going to derby training in the evening. I NEED sleep.

I know why I am awake. The fear and heartache is beginning to break through the ice encasing my grief. And I am scared. Because if the ice cracks and the grief is freed, I am broken. For she is so much of who I am. Was. I want her to be proud, but I just wish someone would let me cry on their shoulder, let me release this insistant pressure of pain. I wish someone could see I am broken. I want someone to see the shattered soul inside my outer shell. I want to feel safe to fall apart, if only for a bit. And the only one who ever saw that, and felt it, and let me be weak, was her. I want my mum. Please. Just for a little while.

Laugh at me if you must -  I just hope you do not ever feel like this because it fucking hurts. Sorry Mum, I know you hate that sort of language. I just can't be strong tonight. I miss you so much.


4 comments:

Ratz said...

I am sorry MM. I don't have words... but you can use my shoulder. xoxo

Langdowns said...

I can hear you MM. I really can. I still have my Mum, but I absolutely fear the day that I don't. I have a loving husband, but he doesn't "get me" quite like my Mum does. If I let my guard down with husband he takes it personally. Every girl needs her mum no matter what age. So I get how you are feeling. I really do ...

Ro said...

(((hugs)))
Wise Woman is with you and looking over your shoulder the whole way xxxx

Heather said...

I know exactly your pain and still have some sleepless nights. I always thought it was caffeine, but you've opened my eyes to realize it's the little bits of grief leaking out of my frozen heart. I'm mostly happy, most of the time, but there is a part of me that died and I try so hard not let that be my ruling factor. Unfortunately, you will get through this. It sucks that the world continues while you are in so much pain. I cry into my pillow (a little) and in the shower. It's been 6-1/2 years. My life is as normal as it's going to get. It's good, but I miss her so much. I hope you sleep well soon.