I am Not Asleep...

I wish I was. I have had a little wine (just a couple of glasses with Big Boy), and I have watched TV. But I am wide awake. I need to sleep, we have both Boy 1 and 2 friends coming over tomorrow, and then I am going to derby training in the evening. I NEED sleep.

I know why I am awake. The fear and heartache is beginning to break through the ice encasing my grief. And I am scared. Because if the ice cracks and the grief is freed, I am broken. For she is so much of who I am. Was. I want her to be proud, but I just wish someone would let me cry on their shoulder, let me release this insistant pressure of pain. I wish someone could see I am broken. I want someone to see the shattered soul inside my outer shell. I want to feel safe to fall apart, if only for a bit. And the only one who ever saw that, and felt it, and let me be weak, was her. I want my mum. Please. Just for a little while.

Laugh at me if you must -  I just hope you do not ever feel like this because it fucking hurts. Sorry Mum, I know you hate that sort of language. I just can't be strong tonight. I miss you so much.

A Very Tired Mother of Mad, Thinking About Her Old Grumblebum Dad.

Cannot think. Can barely speak. Am tired beyond comprehension. Was tired yesterday after the mad social lives of Boy 1 and Boy 2 these holidays but then last night, well last night was a disaster. Boy 1 suffered nightmares, sleepwalking and anxiety, Boy 2 came down in the late hours, unable to sleep without Boy 1. I ended up on lounge, then gave up and did computer stuff instead.

So please forgive if todays warm and fuzzy five family entry is purely fuzzy. I am in a fog.

And when I am tired and feeling wussy I think about my Dad. Grumblebum, the eternal pessimist (yes Big Boy, I do KNOW where it comes from).

 I wrote about us here. True story, and one of my first and fondest memories of GB. Other, more vague recollections, are of being carried along the beach on GB's broad shoulders feeling as tall as a giant; and of climbing up his trouser leg when he would not pick me up as demanded. He smelled of cigarette smoke and Brylcream and had a loud, booming voice.

Grumblebum was a big man in every way. Stood six foot two, wore XXXL at one stage later in life. Until the cancer shrank him back down to an XL. Even at his funeral we needed six pallbearers to carry his diminished frame.

Straight shooter, typical no bull cow cocky (though Wise Woman made him move to town for her). Worked hard all his life. Played hard too. Was of the era that the blokes went to the club whilst the little woman stayed home. Of course once I hit eighteen that all changed. When I was little they called me "Dad's Boy", being the mad tomboy I loved it. When I grew up it became "The Offsider". Just as appreciated.

One of his proudest moments was me up on stage at my wedding calling the barn dances. Well someone had to take control, the bloody DJ had no idea and the whole thing was rapidly turning into a shemozzle. So I did. And he loved it. Dad's Boy in her full wedding regalia, microphone in hand..."with a one-two-three kick, back two-three kick..."

A chip off the old block.

I love you Dad, I even miss the arguments, you cranky old bugger.

Now This is Getting Ridiculous!

1.30 am? ONE THIRTY IN THE BLINKING MORNING? You have to be kidding me! Someone in the realms of the Gods is having a very fine time amusing themselves at my expense.

Oi. You up there. I do not cope with sleep deprivation and my family would appreciate it if you would bleedin' well CUT IT OUT!

Awwww, crap. How in the hell am I meant to function with only a few hours sleep for the SECOND night in a row? Come... on!

Well, it's like this...

I have been tagged, for a meme. Now my first reaction is what the flick is a meme? Is it a moi, moi, look at moi sort of thing? What the hell do I have to do? Thanks to Dr Google, I now know a little more:

In the context of web logs / ‘blogs / blogging and other kinds of personal web sites it’s some kind of list of questions that you saw somewhere else and you decided to answer the questions. Then someone else sees them and does them and so on and so on. I generally consider these to be actual questions and not some multiple choice quizzes that determine some result at the end (what color you are most like, what cartoon character are you, what 80s movie are you).

I must admit also, as it is a happy meme, that I am finding it difficult due to the sad announcement that Alex over at Whoa-Mumma has decided to give up her blog. She has her reasons, but like all self-focused people all I want to do is grab her and shake her hard whilst crying snotty tears of WHAT ABOUT ME?

But I am a big girl now, and am pulling on my XL panties, giving her a cyber pat on the back (mixed with a little self indulgent shoulder squeeze) and sadly saying "I understand."

I also know I need to follow through on two awards: the one from Mel, plus a new one from kakka.

But since this little black duck had a very early start, this will all have to wait until morning. Sorry peeps, too damn tired to even add photos. See you tomorrow, but please... not TOO early!

The Joys of Holidays

...When you return to a house full of fleas and mould after a ten hour drive! Just fantastic.

And I somehow managed to lose my Nimbobula story on my other blog.

Can I cry now? Oh, that's right... Have to drive an hour with Boy 1 and Boy 2, pick up two dogs, two cats and crazy cockatiel from kennel, and drive back whilst maintaining some sanity in the pet wagon.

Then I can cry. Can't I?

Screaming on the inside...

STOP! ENOUGH! I WANT TO GET OFF!

This time of year is no fun as an adult and a parent, it is insanely busy and manic. Kids are coming up to the holidays, they are tired, it is hot, and there are a million things to be done with no-one other than yourself to do them.

And everyone seems to have gone on a commenting holiday and I am wondering if I am sitting here slowly going insane blogging to myself. Hello? Isn't there someone out there wanting to join in on my insanity?

I Just Knew It,

It is going to be one of THOSE days. Today began at 4am. Boy 2 had stumbled down to me late last night complaining of being ill. He had an incredibly emotionally turmoiled day at school, so I popped him into our bed to cuddle, console and hopefully sleep. He awoke at 4am, and commenced tossing and turning until I could stand it no more. I NEED MY SLEEP.
He is 10 years of age, and prefers his mother not sleep deprived, so before I could utter the "back to your own bed" statement, he ups and mutters it for me. "I better go to my bed, Mum, I know you need your sleep."  Of course, I then lay awake trying to doze but not managing it.

Poor little mite. He is sometimes deeply troubled with social issues. I must admit, I do find it strange that two of Boy 1's friends, who are so patient, supportive and understanding of my oldest Aspie boy and his quirks, can be so vindictive and downright nasty to Boy 2. Now, I know Boy 2 is out there, he is an incredibly quick, smart boy who can be plain hard work, but he is also one of the most compassionate, kind children I have ever seen. When you grow up with a brother on the autism spectrum these traits are sort of pounded into you by life. Thus, when these two rip into him (and I have seen it myself), I am torn. Boy 1 has a very limited social circle and these two are important in his life, but how can I have children in my home who try to intentionally hurt my youngest's feelings? It was one of these children who upset him yesterday. So sad.

Sorry, have drifted off track again, thinking out loud I guess.

Pan back to this morning. Both boys tired, stressed, worn down. Complaining of headaches and other pains. Which now resulted in both boys home for the day. Madmother tired, trying to work from home as I was meant to be at work. On computer. Check e-mails. One of my friends has sent one of those stupid chain letters which make threats of dire consequences if you do not forward it on! FARK! I hate these things and find it insulting that someone thinks I would be dumb enough to buy into it! And I am amazed that someone I know well, and know to have a brain, would be stupid enough to be sucked in! Not my day. And it is only 10am. Arrrrgh!

Sleep deprivation is an evil thing.

It is not the best time...

as I am totally exhausted after my 3am start, but I am bemused by a conversation I have just had. Why do people take what I write and make it all about them? In honesty, it has nothing to do with the 2 people who have messaged me, or the person the phone call referred to. Talk about paranoia! Wow, must be some chip you guys are carrying, getting tired yet, cause I sure am!

Have to laugh, after being confuddled for a while, lol.

Not again!

My two had nightmares last night. Which of course meant they both ended up in my bed and I slept on the lounge - if you can call it sleep. Now I have awoken from my dozing with a sore, raw throat, swollen glands, a headache and feeling nauseous. Oh, I pray this is merely the result of a restless night, little sleep and a lumpy couch! I do not have time this week for being ill. I am, with a bunch of friends, co-ordinating our trivia night fundraiser for our school and it is on THIS SATURDAY EVENING! I cannot be sick, I will not allow myself to be sick, oh please, please, do not let me be ill this week, not THIS week!

Sleep deprivation and the torture inflicted by children.

I understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I go to sleep exhausted, wake up exhausted. Thought patterns are jumbled, my mind is shrouded in an eternal fog, I cannot make decisions. I am regressing back to the days of babies when lack of sleep was an accepted part of life, but I am a decade older and unable to cope the way I once did. It is not a situation which can be easily remedied. The issue is once I am awakened I cannot resume sleeping. And the reason I am being awoken is not anyone's fault. Son number one has started along the nightmare track again.

Sleep issues go hand in hand with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Earlier this year his anxiety had increased to a level where he was anticipating nightmares and was terrified to fall asleep. After a 4am night, or is that morning, we finally succumbed to medication. A natural over the counter remedy, but medication just the same. It worked, brilliantly. For quite a while. But I am wondering if the effectiveness is wearing off, as for the last few weeks these nightmares have taken hold again. We have ceased any games which although they appear harmless, may have instigated this series of night terrors. Television programmes, movies and reading material are all closely monitored. There does not appear to be a trigger, he is not stressed as far as we know (and it's anyones guess what is going on in the hidden depths of his complex brain). But as he comes and sleeps in my bed after one of these hit... well, you can see where my sleeping problems are arising.

Thank goodness we are off to his psych appointment this week, might just be my sanity he saves yet again.