I'm sorry.
The wonderful E. over at Whining at The World has tagged me. It goes like this:
What I want you to do is repost your very first blog post. I want to see how things are different now, if you write differently, if you write about the same topic, if you did a “hi this is why I’m blogging” sort of post or if you just got straight into it.
Then I want you to tag five people to do the same.
As you may or may not know, I now have four blogs, and I also contribute to a fifth. But this one was the first, and has remained, my main blog. Eclectic at its best, total chaos at its worst.
My first blog post was due to a tragic loss by a web friend. It was nearly a year and a massive 270 posts (this blog only) ago. It is quite long so please bear with me.
Saturday July 4, 2009
And so it begins
After having utilised a MySpace page for many moons for my intermittent blogging escapades, I have finally taken the bull by the horns and started a real blog. Inspired by the honesty and beauty of others I have read, I must admit I am a little lost and worried about not making the grade.But the tragedies and sadness from the last few days have once again shown me how frail life is, and how we must grab our dreams and run with them, for who knows what tomorrow brings.
My Mother once told me "you are too involved in others' lives. You need to take a step back and not care so deeply, for it only leads to pain." For a wonderful, nurtering woman she certainly came out with some doozies. But I am who I am. I do not know if my losses along the way shaped my nature, though by the age the first tragedy hit I would have thought my core traits were already in place.
I remember from a young age feeling wounded by friends, and sometimes even a sense of betrayal when the bitchiness of little girl packs hit. I recall taking it to heart, and running home crying to Mum. Maybe this is why she feels the way she does? I know it breaks my heart when my children falter and fall. But I cannot change this need to enmesh myself in friend's lives, to bond or link myself to them. How can I not when it is what I ask of others?
The loss of my only sibling in my mid-teenage years means I rely on my friends, and in return, would do almost anything to help if they call. I cannot remain a fringe-dweller, inanely making the right noises whilst not truly interacting or listening to their tales. I do freely give my emotions, allow myself to become involved, to try and help if I can, or just listen with an open mind, if that is what they need.
It is also why my heart breaks when bad things happen to good people. There are people you come across on this internet pathway who reach in and grab hold of you. Even if you have not met in the flesh, you can feel how wonderful, and refreshingly nice they are, even over the web. It is why their pain creates a deep sadness inside, though you could walk past them in the street and never recognise one another.
And now, after I have been reminded that life is too short by a tragic loss to one of these wonderful web friends, my blog takes its first, tentative steps into being.
RIP Xavier, for one so little you have left a very big footprint.
Now I know I am meant to tag five others, but I have made a decision with future meme's and awards. It may be seen as a cop out, but I think most of those I would tag already have been, and to be honest I do not have the energy to trawl through to find those I follow and read who have not. I guess what I am trying to say is I am passing this meme on to all who read this and wish to join in. Take it and run with it with my blessing!
