Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Why?

Sitting here at 4am in the morning. It is hot - 24 degrees at this early hour, in the midst of a torrential storm downpour, atop our mountain... rare. I have my youngest in my bed, my restless sleeper. With the blackouts (power on, power off, power on, power off), a rogue spa which makes a high pitched squeal as every power outage bizarrely switches it on, and the heat, I have slept little.

My post of yesterday brought a leap in my stats, and yet no-one commented. It was linked by a few wonderful friends on facebook and other sites, and yet... no-one commented. I put myself out there, open the rawness afresh, try to help in some small way... and no-one responds.

I am in the midst of a self-pity week. My health is sucky (yes, am onto it), my life is still stressful (as it will be for a while yet), and my husband is heading away for a few well-desrved nights fishing with the boys and I will be alone. Normally not an issue, but when my usual zing has pinged, I am dreading it.

I have been reading posts. And looking at blog lists. Lists I was once on, and yet seem to have dropped from?

I am not commenting much at all. I read blogs and go to comment, then stop, disregard, figure "why bother, my opinion is not needed, I am not relevant in the scheme of things anymore."

Gradually I am looking at less, following fewer, pulling more and more into my blog self.

Everyone, no matter how big or small, how cool or not, needs to feel valued.

And right now I don't.

So, smaller and smaller I curl. Until one day I will be invisible. Or am I already? And I ponder, do I bother to post or just delete? And does it matter either way?

7 comments:

OurGangof7 said...

Chin up. I know what you mean. Sometimes when blogging I sit and think, why do I bother. At the end of the day though I figure that blogging is as much for yourself as it is for others. First and foremost I think a blog is something you can look back on in years to come. The comments you make about your kids, the pics you post, they are all there to remind you of the good times and the bad.
I don't blame you for dreading when hubby goes away, I feel like that every time my hubby has to go away for work. I hate it so much and get a sense of dread come over me as soon as the words are out of his mouth.

I am waffling now, but really just wanted to say that although I don't comment much, I love reading your blog. My stepson is autistic and I love gaining insight into other families with autistic kids and how they deal with different aspects of autism.

Kylie said...

I do not comment much at all. I figure I do not have a blog, and no one knows who I am so why would my comment matter?

But your blog is one I read religiously, and it would matter very much to me if you became invisible.

Your insights in to the ASD world, you compassion for others and your sense of humour are all wonderful things I have enjoyed sharing.

And without your blog, the ASD assessments we are currently going through would have been a lot scarier for me. So from the bottom of my heart I say thank you, and please don't leave xxx

Lisa H said...

I'm not really sure what this is all about, and I didn't see your post yesterday as I didn't have time to 'browse'... but while you're husband is away, grab yourself a pile of chick flicks and all your favourite foods... and enjoy! :-)

Leanne said...

Hi MM. I am here. Always here. Just not reading right now as I am working on major projects. Once a fortnight I force myself to sit down and cruise the blogosphere to try and keep in touch. But my visits are sporadic. So sorry about that. But I'm still here ... coz you matter to me.

kelley @ magnetoboldtoo said...

Hey beautiful... I am pretty sure everyone goes through this. Well at least everyone I know that blogs anyway.

You know what I did? I turned off my stats. And sometimes I just close comments. That way I am not comparing my stats to others, posts to other posts and my self worth on how many links in I have.

And that is so freaking freeing you have NO IDEA! Just blog because it makes you happy, or is a release and if it makes you unhappy, stop.

xx

Suz @ Segovia and The I Love You Song said...

Step away from the delete button xo ps: did you get my email?

Madmother said...

Thank you all.

I am a woman of words and must admit find it hard when the stats show loads of visits and the comments are few. Makes me think my words are not conveying what I want them to.

But yes, I blog for me, and there have been times when this has been the best therapy.

But to hear that others go through the same, and that readers do get me... well, it helps, believe me.

So again, much thanks.

Suz, have replied. :-)