Monday, April 18, 2011

It Hits at the Most Strangest of Times.

I am running, sprinting through my life doing much, achieving little. Ever have so very much on your plate that anything you attempt to complete seems to fall to dust? That's me at the moment.

Ineffective insanity.

Juggling a combination of marbles and beach balls - seriously nearly impossible to do, let me tell you.

Then in the midst of the manic madness some stupid little thing will trigger it.

The other day it was the re-run of the grand final in My Kitchen Rules. The bit where Bella sits on the floor and cries. Her family calling words of encouragement, begging her to get up, to complete what she started.

BOOM! Up it comes and hits me with a force that takes my breath away.

Grief. My dark demon I keep hidden in the depths of my psyche. Locked away. It sits festering, plotting revenge, planning to break free and catch me unaware. Succeeding multiple times in a brief black exodus, only to be ensnared and seized, thrown bound by self-control into the deep recesses of my emotions. To sit and wait, until another moment, another trigger causes my frenzied grip to slip.

And each time the demon gains strength, and is harder to subdue, with each breach its power grows and I know one day it will break free and swallow me whole. I will no longer exist as its power wipes all I am and all I was, away. Leaving a broken shell in my place. A motherless daughter.


MultipleMum said...

Those are some menacing pictures MM. I hope that you are one day able to take the reigns of your grief so you have more productivity in your journey through life. It must be very hard x

Kakka said...

Oh MM, hugs, really tight hugs, to you. This post has broken my heart for all that you are feeling. xxxx

Leanne said...

Oh MM. Big hugs ... Just let yourself feel what you've got to feel when you've got to feel it.

Madmother said...

Thanks. Am thinking about walking away from this blog. Am thinking about so much.

Thanks for making me feel a little less alone ladies.

PinkPatentMaryJanes said...

Oh MM, my heart's aching for you. Grief, such a strange, individual beast - but one that can help put your feelings into perspective. I can't imagine that the pain of missing your mother has eased, so, sadly that means a little more grief. Hold tight, and know that there are people who care x

Anonymous said...

MM, You made me cry reading that. Your dear mum would be so proud of you, some days are hard but you have such wonderful memories of her. I often wonder how you are going up there on the mountain in your little slice of paradise.Take care of yourself and those beautiful boys of yours.Love Belinda.

Glowless @ Where's My Glow said...

Really powerful words there, MM. Hold on tight.

Anonymous said...

Mockery is the weapon of those who have no other.