It Hits at the Most Strangest of Times.

I am running, sprinting through my life doing much, achieving little. Ever have so very much on your plate that anything you attempt to complete seems to fall to dust? That's me at the moment.

Ineffective insanity.

Juggling a combination of marbles and beach balls - seriously nearly impossible to do, let me tell you.

Then in the midst of the manic madness some stupid little thing will trigger it.

The other day it was the re-run of the grand final in My Kitchen Rules. The bit where Bella sits on the floor and cries. Her family calling words of encouragement, begging her to get up, to complete what she started.

BOOM! Up it comes and hits me with a force that takes my breath away.

Grief. My dark demon I keep hidden in the depths of my psyche. Locked away. It sits festering, plotting revenge, planning to break free and catch me unaware. Succeeding multiple times in a brief black exodus, only to be ensnared and seized, thrown bound by self-control into the deep recesses of my emotions. To sit and wait, until another moment, another trigger causes my frenzied grip to slip.

And each time the demon gains strength, and is harder to subdue, with each breach its power grows and I know one day it will break free and swallow me whole. I will no longer exist as its power wipes all I am and all I was, away. Leaving a broken shell in my place. A motherless daughter.

In The Wee Hours of The Morning

• I have finally found and corrected the time setting in my blog!
• I realise my life is pretty good. Manic, but good.
• I fantasise about a career change to roller derby. Madmother is still an available name on the register. Hehehehehe...
• I am not happy that although he woke me with his coughing, Boy 1 never actually woke and is now sleeping soundly. Good for him, bad for me.
• I am wondering why people feel the need to play mind games. Be honest, if a friendship has past its use-by date just let it go. I have.
• I am thinking about how another friend is, and hoping tomorrow brings help and answers.
• I am acknowledging, yet again, that I truly chose the wrong career. I hate spreadsheets.
• I am hoping if I go back to bed and read for a bit, I can manage a little more sleep. 5am is fine, 3am will not allow brain to work clearly tomorrow.
• I am wondering how many of said spreadsheets I have stuffed at this hour.
• I am hoping to find time to work on my other blogs, but they require a lot more thought so must be clearheaded!