Tuesday, November 30, 2010

People Disappoint.

You know what? I am having quite possibly, the most stressful, horrendous time of my life. Let's just summarise events of the last few months:
  • After months of travelling up and down to hospital, my beautiful mother, Wise Woman, chose to leave this life on her terms. Best way to go ever, but I still lost the only person who completely understood, supported and could kick my arse into line with a look.
  • Boy 2 is dissolving emotionally. He is grieving and being socially ostracised by so-called peers, we have now pulled him out of school as it failed miserably in its duty of care and put him at risk.
  • I had to evict a psychotic tenant from my holiday houses, all whilst enduring threats, abuse, and slander. Yes, she had done a runner when I arrived, but she had trashed my cottage and stolen property. It also meant I had to fly down there and leave my baby at the worst possible time.
  • I have been ill. So ill I could not leave my bed for three days - something my children have not seen in their lifetime - and even now, over a week later, I am still ill.

You'd think people would realise no matter how strong you are there is only so much a person can take before breaking, wouldn't ya? Nope.

It is at times like this you soon find out who your real friends are. And it seems to be true, old friends are the best friends. Even though they are miles away some of the most caring support I have had is from the friends of MY childhood.  E-mails, phone calls, love.

And then there are my internet friends, some of whom have crossed over into reality. Again, support, contact, and caring. Just a few words or lines sent at unexpected times can mean so much. It is when we feel truly alone that the demons surface, and the pain can overcome the joy of being. You let the dark thoughts dominate, but then a message or e-mail saying "hey, thinking of you" sheds light into those black crevices and gives you a way to start to climb back up.

Then there are those conspicuous by their silence. Always the ones you do not expect. Sadly, after listening to years of judgement on how other people have let her down I now am going to direct her to a mirror. For someone who has such high friendship standards she has no idea how to be a friend. And I no longer have the energy to waste on someone who does not realise friendship is about cycles - sometimes it will not be all about you.

I have come back in to elaborate as I have had two friends contact me thinking it was them. I am not talking about a short silence, I am referring to a silence from the point of my mother's death. I am talking about a quick, "oh, I'm sorry. But she was old," upon my announcement. Then it was back to her. Then... nothing. No quick "you okay" calls, or how ya doing. Some would say, well how would she know? She knows, believe me. Through facebook and mutual city friends. She does not read this, she does not know of this blog (thank God), and I guess normally I would just write her off without a backward glance. But I am not the everyday me, I am hurting and this adds to my hurt. We do not see each other often even though we only live an hour apart, but when we did it was nice. Fun. I guess I feel betrayed - a decade of friendship down the tubes. Sadly I think I should have seen it coming a while ago and it would not have hit when everything else is.

Thank God for the people I do have around me, for they are gold.


FRANNIE said...

I so hope that there is a ray of sunshine in your near future. Sending positive thoughts your way.

Terri said...

Each one of those events could knock you out. Sending prayers of comfort and strength.

Tat said...

Not really sure what to say to cheer you up. Hopefully, it will help a little bit that your readers care and send you messages of support. I wish I could help more.

Epskee said...

Since when is life not all about me???

There's definately something in the water. Things are horrid for so many people lately, and for those that bad things are happening to, there seems to be not just one major event, but many.

I know im not around much, but when I am, I'm checking in on you. And looking forward to the day when I check in on MadMotherLand and see smiling faces once again.

Karen Whittal said...

I think that we expect people to do what we would do so create unrealistic expectations. I hope that you are better and that things are settling down, these trials are sent to make us stronger, wiser, more compassionate. We need to keep that smile on our faces, and the sun in our hearts, because life is tough if we don't look for the good in everything. I know how difficult life can be so am not just saying this, my year was horrific too, found out my husband has a child with a woman living in a squatter camp, got divorced, he would not move out of the house started getting abusive so protection order, went on a new computer system at work ............ we are allowed to wobble now and again, but then we steady ourselves rely on God and march forward head help high.

Adoption of Jane said...

I hope things brighten soon. I just left a comment on your Autism Sucks post. I am so sorry for your loss.

Kitty Moore said...

I can't believe everything that you've been through lately - that requires a lot of strength. And although it's painful, it's better to let go of people who are simply not there for you when you need them.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you MM. I hope things get easier from here on. Wish there was more I could do (or even be more eloquent with words), but know I'm always here for you and think of you often.

Melissa *Suger Coat It* said...

Always thinking of you and your beautiful family. After you were such a support when I started my blog, how could I not.

{Did you see, Danimezza is hosting a Brissy blog get together in April. Might need a trial run before, if your up for it!?}

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Maggie said...

Oh my sweet friend.....many hugs for you. I hope that soon a ray of sunshine will come through the clouds for you!