It is the thought that I may let her down if I make the wrong decisions, or am unable to make any at all.
I miss her with every fibre of my being, but am trying to be strong for it is what she would wish.
I am sick and even when I was in the midst of Prague I had the security of Mum calls to get me through illness. It is part of the year of firsts. My first virus without my Mum.
Recent events have been hell, and I am holding it together but cannot mourn. Not yet, not now. And so the black bird swoops into vision at the times I let my guard down - and it is driven back again and again.