Sunday, November 21, 2010

It's The Little Things

The twenty times a day "I'll just ring Mum" flashes through my brain. The numerous times "Oh, Mum'll know..." comes to the forefront of my mind. The inability to sort anything of hers out, and her voice in my head lecturing me on procrastination.

It is the fear I am doing the wrong thing in my attempts to help Boy 2 and my need to ask her advice as she was always my voice of reason and calm. It is my desire for reassurance that the action we are about to undertake on his behalf is the right one, and knowing she would be the only one I would trust to ask.

It is the large, dark bird of grief that hovers in a corner of my brain until I shove it away, unable to face the magnitude of my loss.

It is the thought that I may let her down if I make the wrong decisions, or am unable to make any at all.

I miss her with every fibre of my being, but am trying to be strong for it is what she would wish.

I am sick and even when I was in the midst of Prague I had the security of Mum calls to get me through illness. It is part of the year of firsts. My first virus without my Mum.

Recent events have been hell, and I am holding it together but cannot mourn. Not yet, not now. And so the black bird swoops into vision at the times I let my guard down - and it is driven back again and again.


Karen Whittal said...

Don't let the darkness take over, you are a great Mom, the best thing we can do for our children is love them, and show them the path......... they have choice only they can decide to walk it or not......... and they need to know that we will be there to pick them up, dust them off, and put them back on the right path, when they choose the wrong one. Anger is so part of our lives, that we have become immune to it, we don't see it as wrong and destructive, and this is why we need God to hold on to, he is never changing.

Katie said...

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Beautifully written post.

Kakka said...

If it would help, I am happy for you to email me at any time, I can even email you my phone number. I'm not saying I can replace Wise Woman in any way, shape or form, but having been through dark times with my son I may be able to be a shoulder for you to lean on. Please know I think of you often and send as many positive thoughts your way as I can. xxxx

Leah said...

I don't know you, I have just stumbled across your blog and this post in cyberspace. And I can't read and withhold thoughts. I have tears in my eyes and I am sending you a very heartfelt, warm, ensconcing, accepting and nurturing hug.

There is no-one and nothing that can ever replace your Wise Woman... and you know this. Yet she is always with you and part of you, in every moment of your life.

The very thought of not being able to call my Mum, ask her advice, be comforted by her when I have a virus... makes me cry.

And though I don't KNOW, I am guessing that you can't and won't let her down in any way. Because you are her girl, and she would know that you are doing the very best you can with what you have.

love to you.