Wednesday, November 3, 2010

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I want To.

The year of firsts has begun. The first Halloween on Sunday, when small my children only ever trick or treated Nanna. As they grew older she was always first on their ever growing doorknock list.

And today. Today is the first of my birthdays without my mother. Today I woke with tears on my cheeks. Today I want to hide under the covers and pretend it is not happening. I want to stop the world from spinning. I want my mum. And I cannot change any of it, for we all know there is no stopping the year of firsts no matter how much we wish it to be otherwise.

I think W.H. Auden summed it up best in his second version of

Funeral Blues: Stop All The Clocks.

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

A motherless


Kakka said...

I am sorry that you are so sad today, birthday or not, it is still early in the grieving process. So it seems odd to wish you a happy birthday, but I am going to anyway, for something tells me that Wise Woman would not want you to mourn today, she would want you to celebrate just as you would have if she was still here. For really she is, not in the physical but in your heart. Much love always xxx

Wanderlust said...

I'm so sorry you're having to celebrate your birthday without your mom. I remember how difficult that year of firsts was when my mom passed. I know there is nothing I can say to make it easier, but I'm sending you my love and warm thoughts. xoxo

Ro said...


Epskee said...

omg. I just came back, and caught up on your posts. I am so sorry. Birthdays in my eyes have always been as much about the mother as they are about the child, after all we go through to bring them into the world, and all we do to keep them in it, and a decent part of it. While words cant ever heal - you are your mothers legacy, and from what we see here, its a good one. grieve her loss, but celebrate your life - it took you both to make it what it is.