Friday, August 27, 2010

I Am...

tired. So very tired. We have fought the battle, and lost. Not the war, by hell not the war, but yes. The battle. Today I took my mother to hospital. The pain was just too much and I could not find a solution. She reacts to nearly everything, becomes physically ill from most pain medications. And being ill is the worst thing you can do with a fracture. Hospitals scare me for her. They look at her on paper and tend to go *meh*... she's old. They do not see the vital person she is/was until 3 weeks ago. I tell them, make sure they know this 90 year old Wise Woman was doing her Excel spreadsheets, getting her complicated tax return ready for the financial year. I let them know she is the only surviving grandparent my kids have, inform them of the bond she and Boy 1 have. Give them the person not the number.
But still I worry. We have gone to the good hospital, the one an hour's drive, further away than the others. I just hope they get it. I love her so much.

Have I failed her?




10 comments:

Mothership said...

Never. Never EVER have you failed her.

You are a beautiful, loving, dedicated daughter whom only someone as special as your mum could have raised.

She knows it. I know it and I'm pretty sure that deep down, you know it, too. Your job, now, is to REMEMBER it.

Love to you, my dear friend.

Terri said...

I'm new to your blogs, but even new, I can feel the intensity of your love and caring for your mother; your posts resonate with the depth of your feelings.

There are two kinds of guilt: Deserved and assumed. Please, please, please don's assume guilt you don't deserve! I don't believe that any daughter, no matter how devoted, can stop the progress of time.

Jen said...

In no way shale or form have you failed WW. I hope this hospital treats her as the wonderful person she is and that in no time she is back home pain free. I am thinking of you friend and hoping that you are all coping ok (Boy1 included). xo

Wanderlust said...

I'm sorry your mom is in so much pain, and that by extension you are too. This is so hard. I hope they are able to help her. xx

Cinda said...

You haven't failed your mum. You have given her the care that any devoted loving daughter can give. I'm sure she knows that and knows how much you love her. Don't ever think that you haven't done what is best. It will take time to heal and it's especially hard to see someone you love in pain but I'm sure the hospital will look after her and she'll be back home soon.

Kylie said...

No, you haven't failed her - far from it. You have her best interests at heart and followed through, and that is the most wonderful thing you could do for her.

Personally I think the bond you have with your Mother is incredible, and your commitment to her is something to admire.

Langdowns said...

There is no way you can fail her with love that clearly visible. Best wishes to you MM and to your WW.

E. said...

Hey there. Don't feel so bad. I hope by now she has been given good pain relief and excellent treatment.

Any updates?

InfoMidwife said...

I have been very busy and not able to respond to you blog for a while...it has sadden me to read this post...however 'failure' is something I think women are great at achieving...we do it when our children have not done well...we constantly lament 'where did i go wrong'.... so to with our parents...'am i a failure'...as so many before me have written,,,, the simple answer is 'no'... however this does not ease your pain and saddness for the current state of your mother....my advice...make sure the hospital is caring for her well and giving her regular pain relief and sorting out her health issues...we have to advocate for our loved ones whilst in hospital to ensure the 'best care'.... love is not being a failure....such wonderful love is pure... don't be so hard on yourself....

Kim Thompson said...

This post pulls at my heartstrings. And those heartstrings, from the other part of the world, are singing a song of hope, healing, and caring. A teeny salve, but I hope a good one.Best wishes to you and your mom.