I know Flog Yo Blog Friday is meant to be funny and lighthearted but I just don't have any humour inside me at the moment. Life is challenging, but even worse when you add sleep-deprivation into the equation.
I woke with heart pounding, gasping for breath at 1am. Up until now there have been sleep issues, but not as severe as this nightmare induced panic attack in the cold of just past midnight. I dreamt of her. I dreamt she was dying. My thoughts were of her struggling to breathe, each rasping, painful breath slower than the last.
The terrifying thing is that this is not so far from the truth for now Wise Woman has a chest infection and we all know how susceptible the elderly are to pneumonia. Add in her emphysema and we have serious issues.
I have been coping well, running on pure adrenalin as Ro said, but am I dealing with the thought of losing her? I don't know. It is a very real risk right now. She will be 91 on Tuesday, every little health problem erodes her already frail grasp on life, and I know she does not wish to be here with no quality of existance. Death comes to us all and logically I know at her age I should be very grateful to have had her in my life with so much joy in hers for so long.
But humans are not only logical creatures, we are emotional beings and I want to know how on earth I get my head and heart around losing someone who created me. Not in life (as we all know I am adopted), but by moulding my very core to be who I am. How do I ever reconcile myself to letting go to the one person who loves me unconditionally. How do I say goodbye to my mother?
This may not be it. I hope and pray the miracle woman floors the professionals one more time and fights back to quality of life. But it will be one day. And I do not know if I can face it. Ever.
7 comments:
Such a difficult time for you. I hope she pulls through. But if it is her time, it sounds as though she has left you with enough strength and wisdom to carry on, no matter how difficult.
Sending strength of heart to you right now. That fear is overwhelming and totally out of your control.
You may have to physically part and that in itself is excruciating but don't ever say goodbye.
If every FYBF entry needed to be funny I would have been banned a long time ago :-)
I'm sorry that your mum isn't doing too well and I hope that she's doing better soon.
I missed the memo about FYBF being light-hearted.... oops! Mine hardly ever are. This is a tremendously heavy-hearted time for you, I'm so sorry. It's this moment, before the onset of grief, that is often heavier (in my opinion) than the shedding of tears in grief itself. There's something a lot deeper and harder to carry than the knowledge of death or loss. Know what I mean?
I hope you get some easing of this, somehow, some way, soon. Even if briefly. I'm so sorry, it is really so consuming to live with indefinitely. And I don't know. I really don't know how you face it and carry on. If you are supposed to, in whatever capacity, of course you will.
And if anyone tells you to 'remember the good times' by way of fixing things too soon...... slap them for me, okay? xoxox
It is the uncertainty that kills. Do I fight harder, do I accept the inevitable? If I keep fighting am I putting her through unnecessary pain and torture? If I ease off do I give up too easily when she could well bounce back as she has in the past?
I'll slap 'em, no problems. That and the "but sh'e had a good innings..." people.
I hope that she's doing better soon.
Sending you and her strength.
Hugs. You just have to be there, any way you can, and follow your own instincts. xo
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