Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Tonight Things are Bleak

They operated last night. Put a huge screw through the top of Wise Woman's left femur to piece it back together. She was in ICU last night and most of today, but they have put her back in the ward late this afternoon.

Five minutes ago they rang. The specialist. Wanted to have the talk. The we don't think it is likely but just in case do you want a do not resuscitate order on? The you know how frail she is at the moment and anything could happen and we don't want to call you in the midst of the night, do we... conversation.

I love her. I love her so much, she is my mum. And I love her enough to let her go if that is the way it has to be, to give her permission to lay down her gauntlet and leave the battle.

But fuck it hurts.

And I am scared.

What do I do when the only person who can make me better is the one I need to let go?

5 comments:

Terri said...

Praying and praying and praying for your comfort and strength.

Jen said...

Oh MM :( what a horrible thing to have to say yes to. I am thinking of you often lately and also WW. Hoping that WW has a good night (((hugs)))

Katrina said...

Oh shoot - that's such a hard thing to face... Hoping that things go well and that conversation can be tucked away and not thought of or required.. Thinking of you all xxx

Melissa @Suger Coat It said...

I have gone to comment and stopped and few times, on a few different posts. But got nervous. Afraid of saying something too jovial, jokey and inappropriate {which I do, sometimes}. But I have just realized what I should have said all along...

I am here. I am thinking of you all. Fingers firmly crossed.

Kakka said...

On the positive side, so happy WW came through the operation. Way to go WW. On the negative, how hard to sign a DNR order, but brave as well as you are honouring WW's wishes. On a loving side - sending you lots of love and cyberhugs and the hope that the DNR is not needed. Wish there was more I could do for you MM, truly I do. xxxx