The Highs and Lows of High School

I sometimes wonder if I am living in blissful ignorance, oblivious to the realities. Or maybe denial, not admitting to myself or anybody else the dread of what lies ahead.
I don't think I am, but our life seems so far removed from so many we have travelled on this rollercoaster with, you have to consider the fact it may be the calm before the storm.

We are awaiting his first report card for high school. The result of two terms/one semester in his new environment. A time full of change and challenges, anxiety, tears and angst.

He is still fairly socially isolated, but like the echidna that rolls itself into a prickly ball at first sign of attack, slowly but surely he is unfolding, opening, showing glimpses of his true self to others.

The anxiety has lessened, the tears have slowed, the hormones settled (a little).

Exam week was tolerable, made harder by the illness of myself and Boy 2. Pumping immune boosters and probiotics, we prayed he would fight off any lurgies until it was over. He made it by a hair's breath, going down like a ton of bricks on Saturday night, still ill three days on. Last week of school. No biggie if he misses now.
The social limits of school have been abaited by his two wonderful best mates. Last Friday he had a sleepover at his former school mate's house (to avoid the primary school disco), and even with no TV (it blew up THAT afternoon), he had fun.

The prior long weekend his oldest bestie, my honorary third son, was up for two nights. Watching those two is a balm to any worried mother's soul. Just so very, very solid. Boosted him for the week after, the exam pressures, the personal expectations he has for himself. That lack of belief in his work and ability even though he is a good student who loves learning. Okay, not confident, but okay.

Boy 2, Boy 1, C

Happy 80% of the time, what mother of a teenager, let alone one on the spectrum, could ask for more?
Am I in denial? Am I really basking in blissful ignorance?
I hope not. I do not think I am for many around are in awe of him. I pray we are not missing something vital, letting the ball drop after so many goals.

I can only sit and wait and be alert, vigilant, aware of the risks, challenges, pitfalls.

And love and support him unconditionally. The way I always have.

Whiplash - The Day My Boy Broke.

"I thought you had it easier, don't tell me it is still going to be hard!" Recent words from a dear friend whose little spectrum man is in Prep.

Autism Spectrum Disorder. Asperger Syndrome. A way of life. A lifelong disorder which doesn't miraculously vanish.

My oldest son is an amazing young man. But he is still on the autism spectrum. My oldest son is exceptionally bright, intelligent, smart... whatever you want to call it, but he still has Asperger Syndrome. His inner light can be dulled, crippled by his anxiety and stress. Strangled by isolation and assumptions of others.

My boy is compassionate, wise, inspiring and giving. But with change all this can be masked under uncertainty, fear, misjudgement.

New people look at him and they see only the label. Lost is the security of the school he attended for seven years, lost is the knowledge of what an incredible journey it has been, lost are his achievments in winning through some of the crippling challenges life has thrown his way, lost is the vision of his personal growth and amazing strength and beautiful heart.

Lost. They only see today.

We knew it was going to be hard.

And it is.

We just have to believe his light will shine through once more.

We know it will.

I just sometimes wonder why life has to be so damn painful for these kids. The most special kids I know. The ones who take your breath away with their ability to forgive.


He is not a label. He is Lewis.

Remember his name, for one day you will sit back in awe and say "I know that boy."

P.S. This is the reason I called a halt to any movement on his book. I am his advocate, HIS. For him to add the stress of the trail to publication onto this massive change year... well, it would not be a positive for HIM.

It is not forever, and as I explained to him, it will always be the book you wrote at thirteen, no matter how old you are when published.

Hyperventilation - The New Coping Mechanism

Yes, I have been off the radar AGAIN.

Yes, I know this poor blog languishes untouched.

But I have rather a lot on my plate right now.

We have until January 31st to be completely out of our shop. That means packing stock, files, fitout and anything else not nailed down and moving it into our storage shed on our property. Which is an hour from our shop.

I am listing madly on eBay only to have some idiot buy one of the expensive display cabinets (one of five) but not win any others thus "he doesn't want it" and becomes abusive when it becomes an issue for me.

And tomorrow... tomorrow... is Boy 1's first day of High School.

Hard for any child. Especially hard for a child on the spectrum.

We feel it is the right choice. A small private school (capped at 225) which caters to the individual, encourages success socially and academically, sets the bar higher but not out of reach.

BUT... it is a totally new environment.

"I am nervous" he tells us.

"I am excited" he tells others.

The truth is somewhere in between.

I am hoping that he is okay, that he is just nervous, not on the verge of meltdowns or terrified. It is so hard to gauge the degree to which this nervousness will affect him. It is so easy for him to lose his grip on his emotions with such a major change.

We have done all we can to facilitate this move, have prepared as much as possible - both him and the school.

His two best friends are not here, they both are going to the public school. This is part of what worries me. How will they see him? Will they get past the differences and see the wonderful person he is? Or will he be alone, no-one to talk too?

He pulls into himself when he is scared, will anyone try to bring him back out?

And to top it off, the one child who has continually mocked and bullied my son is going to be at this school, but I can only hope the school is onto it (which they tell me they are, for of 4 boys attending 3 mothers have been in to request this child NOT be in the same class... says it all really). To be honest, I hope this new start turns this boy around. If it does not then I have been assured he will be gone, removed from this school community. But what damage he could do in the meantime...

But now I must concentrate on my child, not what ifs.

And try to pretend I am not terrified and on the verge of meltdown.