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Write On Wednesdays Exercise 13 - A Great One Liner...
This week you need to come up with one good line to describe a part of your day. It can be 'real life' or fiction. But it must tell us 'who did what'. It has to be an amazing line, like a tiny little paper plane that must travel a big distance (figuratively speaking) with only a few folds ... Every word in that line must earn its place, or be cut as excess baggage. Let's get thinking about each sentence as though every word counts, like working one group of muscles to show how much weight they can carry.
Mine:
Was she the only one present who was aware this elephant in the room lent an unsurpassed new meaning to the term mammoth?
Go for it, rip it to shreds and thrust some feedback at me!
Off to read the others so far.
12 comments:
There is nothing to rip apart. I like that it is well written and full of deep meaning. You did an awesome job!
Oh, I LOVE this one! I can almost see her looking round incredulously thinking 'are you all completely dense!'.
Really good job.
Understanding it literally made me smile. But If I have to look behind the lines,..I'll be lost, enlighten me (I have slow grasp of English)hehe..by the way, thanks for your correction on my one liner, glad you see it..=)
Oh, I know this feeling well! Well done!
Great line :) Well done.
Ha ha...I loved this! Great stuff. x
I felt the weight of this statement. Great job!
She is back! Great to see you here, I have been wondering but knew you had been through a lot recently...
I like that the elephant in the room is the mammoth...This is the powerful part of the sentence. It creates suspense and intrigue. I would only question (as you said to rip into it!) whether the first part could be re-worded somehow?
"Was she the only one present who was aware"
Only because I found myself re-reading it to check the meaning, perhaps you could slim this bit down again? For me, the second part of the sentence is where the power of the piece lies. What do you think?
Yes! I agree but didn't know what was clumsy!
Was she the only one who was aware this elephant in the room lent an unsurpassed new meaning to the term mammoth?
Perfect! I'm glad you reworked it. Great spotting Gill. Isn't it funny how sometimes we can't see things in our own writing?
Great job MM. Love the reworked sentence. Very feisty and powerful.
Sorry I'm very late! I adore this sentence, it conveys such an awkward feeling, but it's also hilarious! (when someone else is having the feeling, not when it's me!!)
Spot on. Love the reworked sentence. It paints a very clean image. Well done!
x
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