Am I here?

Feeling rather invisible and insignificant. Feeling rather helpless and useless. Feeling as though I am running and running and achieving nothing. Feeling very stabby.

Rationally I know this is not true, I know I am getting things done.

Guess I have the mean reds again.

Haven't heard any more news from my friend. This is very unlike her, especially as the last text was "call you in the next couple of days"... Which makes it all the more scary.

I do not cope well with waiting, nor with being helpless. But I need to be patient, for this is not my battle but hers and I can only be there when she wants or needs me.

Crap. Do not like these mean reds.

Yes, this is a very self-centred whiny post.

Me & Nie...

Remember how the kids when younger would get over-tired and then you had to battle them down into dreamland? Yeah, that was me last night. Well and truly past the point of exhaustion after a multiple of sleep interrupted nights. Broken - a perfect term in relation to sleep-deprivation - no wonder it was a form of torture years ago. Finally, around 11pm after laying in bed for 2 hours, I began to doze.

Only to be brutally snapped back into wakefulness by a series of loud thumps and bangs from the room of Boy 1. Right above my room. At that point I would have happily thumped and banged him around the room, but being the Mum, instead settled for stomping up the stairs (by this point he had awoken Boy 2 in his room also) to yell at him.

Return back to bed to begin the process again, by this time totally wired. Turn on the television. Search for something to lull me into slumber.

11.30pm, I stumble upon the American show: 20/20. And there she is, NieNie. Now I have read NieNie on and off for a couple of years. See the blue typewriter button over there ->
yeah, that links to her blog. It's been on my sidebar since just after the first post. This is another:

I also e-mailed her many moons back, she probably thought I was a crazed stalker, but her story had inspired me so, and we also share something personal.  No, I'm not telling.

NieNie is Stephanie who was in an horrific plane crash in August 2008 with her husband. They were both severely injured and the prognosis was critical with little chance of survival. NieNie was severely burnt, in her words she still is: Returning from a near-fatal airplane crash, burned 80% of my body, and will have surgeries for the rest of my life. Probably. But I am alive. A brave, brave inspirational woman

So, there I am last night, near mad with lack of sleep, frantically looking for something to numb my brain and instead I find the story of my cyber-friend. Of course I sat up and watched it all. Of course I cried. Of course she inspired me once more with her wonderful spirit.

Sleep deprivation, bah, no biggie. Truly think it was divine providence, and I was meant to watch it.

Do you read Nie Nie?

Flog Yo Blog Friday - *Meh*

The New Rules from the Desk of Our New Mis-truss...

Follow her blog. Yeah, already do, ya know.
* Grab B's bubbly button and post it on your sidebar. B is Brenda, the former Mis-stressed.
* Link your First Name and/or Blog Name and URL of your linked post (not your homepage) below.
* Add a short description (max of 125 chars). It could be a description of yourself, your blog or a teaser to your latest post.
* Follow at least 1 linkyer/blogger (Be nice and spread the love). Bit hard for me as I already follow a lot of them.

The list will be open for linkyers on Fridays (and for the foreigners Friday as well).

A new and fresh link list will open every Friday. And you will have to link up AGAIN. The previous link list does not carry over to the following week.
And lastly, have lotsa fun.


So, according to the rules I have to have fun here. Yet from the tone of our illustrious hostess with the mostess even she is struggling to raise a smile.

The Mad household is overrun with infectious disease. I have had sick kids all week, both are off school. As the Madmother I do not sleep, I am on cough/vomit/breathing patrol with one eye open at ALL times. I am

TIRED.

So, yee-ha...whoopee... yahoozies... Okay. That's the level of my funbusters today.

Even my funbags are drooping with fatigue. Yay.

 
 
 
Oh, and PSSST - Lori - there is no code for us to post on our blogs to keep the circle evolving. Just thought you should know.

Have Sleep Deprivation, Will Travel...

Yes, it is a man, but I couldn't find anything else to suitably sum up how I am feeling this morning, lol. Truly, add boobs and voila - ME!

Not going to grumble too much, suffice to say that travelling with the Boy 1 Aspie is a little challenging. Change is *ahem*, difficult for him, and so sleep is disturbed unless he climbs into my bed. Then sleep is difficult for me.

And the one night he managed to sleep in his own bed was the night of Trivia, and wine and sleep are not how it works with me. I usually doze on and off, waking with a start every hour until eventually waking wondering who decided to vaccuum my mouth sandpaper dry and then place the dead mouse at the back of my throat?

Don't think I'll drive this leg, could be lethal...

Things are bad...

I think the capacity we have as humans for endurance of the untenable is incredible. I think this capacity is highly diminished by lack of sleep. As the wheels fall off and the amount of sleep permitted by a combination of our oldest sleep walking, changing beds and waking the household at ungodly hours, is reduced well beyond what is possible to function on... I am losing my ability to sleep, and in turn, my rationality.

I can see why this is used as a tool of torture.

That is all. Epic household fail.

A Very Tired Mother of Mad, Thinking About Her Old Grumblebum Dad.

Cannot think. Can barely speak. Am tired beyond comprehension. Was tired yesterday after the mad social lives of Boy 1 and Boy 2 these holidays but then last night, well last night was a disaster. Boy 1 suffered nightmares, sleepwalking and anxiety, Boy 2 came down in the late hours, unable to sleep without Boy 1. I ended up on lounge, then gave up and did computer stuff instead.

So please forgive if todays warm and fuzzy five family entry is purely fuzzy. I am in a fog.

And when I am tired and feeling wussy I think about my Dad. Grumblebum, the eternal pessimist (yes Big Boy, I do KNOW where it comes from).

 I wrote about us here. True story, and one of my first and fondest memories of GB. Other, more vague recollections, are of being carried along the beach on GB's broad shoulders feeling as tall as a giant; and of climbing up his trouser leg when he would not pick me up as demanded. He smelled of cigarette smoke and Brylcream and had a loud, booming voice.

Grumblebum was a big man in every way. Stood six foot two, wore XXXL at one stage later in life. Until the cancer shrank him back down to an XL. Even at his funeral we needed six pallbearers to carry his diminished frame.

Straight shooter, typical no bull cow cocky (though Wise Woman made him move to town for her). Worked hard all his life. Played hard too. Was of the era that the blokes went to the club whilst the little woman stayed home. Of course once I hit eighteen that all changed. When I was little they called me "Dad's Boy", being the mad tomboy I loved it. When I grew up it became "The Offsider". Just as appreciated.

One of his proudest moments was me up on stage at my wedding calling the barn dances. Well someone had to take control, the bloody DJ had no idea and the whole thing was rapidly turning into a shemozzle. So I did. And he loved it. Dad's Boy in her full wedding regalia, microphone in hand..."with a one-two-three kick, back two-three kick..."

A chip off the old block.

I love you Dad, I even miss the arguments, you cranky old bugger.

Now This is Getting Ridiculous!

1.30 am? ONE THIRTY IN THE BLINKING MORNING? You have to be kidding me! Someone in the realms of the Gods is having a very fine time amusing themselves at my expense.

Oi. You up there. I do not cope with sleep deprivation and my family would appreciate it if you would bleedin' well CUT IT OUT!

Awwww, crap. How in the hell am I meant to function with only a few hours sleep for the SECOND night in a row? Come... on!

It's Gonna Be Another One of Those Days...

3 am mornings are not my idea of getting a head start on the day. Think the world would miss me if I closed the door and slept the day away? Oh crap, you mean they ain't old enough yet to drive themselves to school? Damn. Forgot about that...

I Just Knew It,

It is going to be one of THOSE days. Today began at 4am. Boy 2 had stumbled down to me late last night complaining of being ill. He had an incredibly emotionally turmoiled day at school, so I popped him into our bed to cuddle, console and hopefully sleep. He awoke at 4am, and commenced tossing and turning until I could stand it no more. I NEED MY SLEEP.
He is 10 years of age, and prefers his mother not sleep deprived, so before I could utter the "back to your own bed" statement, he ups and mutters it for me. "I better go to my bed, Mum, I know you need your sleep."  Of course, I then lay awake trying to doze but not managing it.

Poor little mite. He is sometimes deeply troubled with social issues. I must admit, I do find it strange that two of Boy 1's friends, who are so patient, supportive and understanding of my oldest Aspie boy and his quirks, can be so vindictive and downright nasty to Boy 2. Now, I know Boy 2 is out there, he is an incredibly quick, smart boy who can be plain hard work, but he is also one of the most compassionate, kind children I have ever seen. When you grow up with a brother on the autism spectrum these traits are sort of pounded into you by life. Thus, when these two rip into him (and I have seen it myself), I am torn. Boy 1 has a very limited social circle and these two are important in his life, but how can I have children in my home who try to intentionally hurt my youngest's feelings? It was one of these children who upset him yesterday. So sad.

Sorry, have drifted off track again, thinking out loud I guess.

Pan back to this morning. Both boys tired, stressed, worn down. Complaining of headaches and other pains. Which now resulted in both boys home for the day. Madmother tired, trying to work from home as I was meant to be at work. On computer. Check e-mails. One of my friends has sent one of those stupid chain letters which make threats of dire consequences if you do not forward it on! FARK! I hate these things and find it insulting that someone thinks I would be dumb enough to buy into it! And I am amazed that someone I know well, and know to have a brain, would be stupid enough to be sucked in! Not my day. And it is only 10am. Arrrrgh!

Sleep deprivation is an evil thing.

Not again!

My two had nightmares last night. Which of course meant they both ended up in my bed and I slept on the lounge - if you can call it sleep. Now I have awoken from my dozing with a sore, raw throat, swollen glands, a headache and feeling nauseous. Oh, I pray this is merely the result of a restless night, little sleep and a lumpy couch! I do not have time this week for being ill. I am, with a bunch of friends, co-ordinating our trivia night fundraiser for our school and it is on THIS SATURDAY EVENING! I cannot be sick, I will not allow myself to be sick, oh please, please, do not let me be ill this week, not THIS week!

Sleep deprivation and the torture inflicted by children.

I understand why sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture. I go to sleep exhausted, wake up exhausted. Thought patterns are jumbled, my mind is shrouded in an eternal fog, I cannot make decisions. I am regressing back to the days of babies when lack of sleep was an accepted part of life, but I am a decade older and unable to cope the way I once did. It is not a situation which can be easily remedied. The issue is once I am awakened I cannot resume sleeping. And the reason I am being awoken is not anyone's fault. Son number one has started along the nightmare track again.

Sleep issues go hand in hand with Autism Spectrum Disorder. Earlier this year his anxiety had increased to a level where he was anticipating nightmares and was terrified to fall asleep. After a 4am night, or is that morning, we finally succumbed to medication. A natural over the counter remedy, but medication just the same. It worked, brilliantly. For quite a while. But I am wondering if the effectiveness is wearing off, as for the last few weeks these nightmares have taken hold again. We have ceased any games which although they appear harmless, may have instigated this series of night terrors. Television programmes, movies and reading material are all closely monitored. There does not appear to be a trigger, he is not stressed as far as we know (and it's anyones guess what is going on in the hidden depths of his complex brain). But as he comes and sleeps in my bed after one of these hit... well, you can see where my sleeping problems are arising.

Thank goodness we are off to his psych appointment this week, might just be my sanity he saves yet again.