Loss

I miss you.

I sat across from you this morning and watched as your eyes turned to ice every time you had to respond to or address me. You spoke to me only when I talked to you. Not once did you enquire how my life was or what I as up to. I had hoped it was a phase. That I was imagining the freeze, that others were wrong. I had thought we were good friends, close friends. I was wrong. And I am sad. I do not know what I have done, what unforgivable sin I have committed. I guess I assumed that friendship meant honesty, and a chance to rectify mistakes if you were made aware of making them. Sadly, I now have to admit that maybe I misread things. Could it be that trust, loyalty, caring was not what we were about? Or is it your fear of people getting too close? Do you have a need to drive away and hurt that stems from your deep insecurity and the pain of a child betrayed?

I know I am not the first who has been discarded. I thought your reasons were sound, but now have to wonder if she was as bewildered as I am? A close friend over several years cast aside, adrift with no knowledge of why? And I ponder, who is next?

I also have to wonder if you think I do not see, or maybe you take some sadistic joy in causing me pain. For whatever you call me, I only called you friend.

Irrational

I am sitting here, sobbing my eyes out after watching a comedy: The Boat That Rocked. The boat sank and they were alone. I am alone.

Irrational, I know, but right now in the dark, lonely place I lurk, it is entirely logical to me. I give friendship easily, I love to envelope, nurture, hold, feel. Trust is slower. Trust is deeper. So when not once, but twice it is hurled back into my face as ME betraying them, it hurts. I NEVER, even after someone cuts me to the heart, will betray their trust. It is not the way I work. But I hate it.

I hate the paranoia it creates, I hate the lying, the games, the way I question EVERYTHING in my life. And at this point, I am so scared if what is happening to me is serious, I hate the way the people who were meant to be there for my kids will let them down the way they have let me down, and will shape them.

Oh God, my oldest has come so far, I want him to have the emotional, nuturing, mummy parachute that maybe I will not provide. I am probably being stupid. But know that people who are supposedly friends in my life do not believe that the test results show nothing and yet I throw up blood. But both my children and my husband have witnessed it. Fuck. Maybe I am the internal Jesus. I so wanted it to be an ulcer. I want answers.

Dear God, why do they not see?

I am always the strong one for them - do they not see my Achilles heel? I hate people sometimes.